14 май, 2017

eyes closed

Turns out that living instead of writing is awesome. The last two weeks have been crazy with people and exciting things, lots of pictures, adventures, wine tasting. I can't get enough of everything. I've had plenty of time for friends, old and new, sleepless nights, pizza and a movie here and there. Life is good when you don't really have the time to notice the things that are slowly changing.
I find myself thinking some of the weirdest things lately, having flashbacks of the previous week and wanting some more of it. Reckless has always looked good on me and I might as well enjoy it while I can. I've decided to make this a trial period and not really think about how things will
play out in the future. 
It's weird you know... I barely know you and we've had some moments. I know if I had the chance to spend more time with you I'd like you too much. So I don't. But I'm secretly hoping you want that enough to push things. But like not too much, because now is not the time and I'm too much of a mess for that. Weird doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm like a doll... You press one hand and I say "Love me!" while when you press the other one you hear "Leave me alone!" instead. Contradictions have always been my specialty. 
Of all the times to post pictures ... Why now? I had a bit of a WTF moment a while ago and I'm still getting used to the idea of it. I read this book "Alisa and Friday night" and I liked some of it, mostly the epic quotes hidden among the storied which were not that good. Anyway, I've been thinking that I should start writing again because I've been feeling like a blogger and not a writer for a while now. Not that it's a bad thing but I've already done the writing a book thing. I know how it goes and it's not that hard once you get to it. So I might as well do that instead of having these weird ideas in my head of possibilities. I'm not ready for another place crash and I'm not sure I will ever be again. So, yeah, this whole not caring and being reckless helps. Not sleeping at my place helps too. Being tucked into bed while you're sleeping... It's the little things. I'm making memories basically. And my plans only go as far as the next couple of days. That's as far as I need to be looking for now.  
I'm not saying I don't miss things and people. I do. I'm sometimes dying to text and ask them out. But I don't. It takes two to screw things up. It takes two to keep things going and I'm not making any more efforts. If you want to be in my life, find a way. If not, well nothing I am going to do about it.
Oh and ... I really didn't mean to get you into this as I already said but I kinda need to mention it here as well. I won't be torturing you anymore. I'll do my best to make things better. 

30 април, 2017

red

Remember when we were at your place, I think the last time I'm ever going to be there and you played that Greek song. I took a picture of you. Well, I took lots of pictures over the last couple of months but it's been over ten days... And it feels like a whole new life which I'm not sure I like just yet. I made my roommate find that sticky note you left for her that first time you ever came to my place. I think my room knows too much and it will be hard to leave it all behind if I have to do it soon. I didn't wait till May and I'm not sure if I'm glad or sad about it. Instead I'm out all day, out till it's tomorrow, I don't sleep too much and don't really have time to come home and cry about stuff. Which is why I got today all to myself, decided to delete all the pictures from my phone and cried about it. 
Meanwhile I'm back to old habits which I guess was the only way to get over it in the first place. If you can ever get over something that never was (and never will be, as the song goes). I don't want to belong, I don't want to make plans and decide stuff. I plan to be reckless with myself yet again and enjoy every moment of it. 
As a whole, I'm not sure what to do and I'm wandering trough my life unsure of everything. I wonder if I like my job, if I like where I live, if I should move, change careers, if it all means something or not. I mean, who cares what I do and where I live. These are just details. Well, okay. I care. But who the hell am I? I think that is the most important question and I can't for the life of me find the right answer. I know very well who and what I am not. I know it by heart already and yet the lesson repeats itself. I am not even surprised anymore. 
Well, it's the little things that kill me as usual. They used to make feel whole. Like the songs, the pictures, the quotes... Which I am actively getting rid of. Why be reminded of all the things that prove you were not good enough when you know it all too well by now. Well, fuck it.