13 май, 2018

is this freedom baby

I have this ritual to put things of people in a shoe box when I'm done with them (or they are done with me) and then keeping them in the back of the wardrobe. And I've been thinking recently that I've also put a lot of myself there. I remember being awfully cute, cheesy, romantic and had the need to say and do stuff that I now think are childish and embarrassing. It's like saying and doing all kinds of stuff to prove myself proved only to be a waste of time and I don't want to do that anymore. Or I do, since I'm thinking and talking about it but I'm scared it won't matter just as is never has before. So instead I make everything into a joke and don't take things seriously. I want to, but I don't. I must have learned a lot, I guess. 
At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter if I post all the silly pictures I have of us or not, if I tell the world or not, if I tell you or not. None of that will change anything and will not make it more real or unreal, will make it more likely to end or not. That's the idea, actually, none of it is really up to me. Correction - it was. I could have stayed away as I had every reason to. I could have chosen to go home if needed. But I didn't. I stayed anyway, even though I was so sleepy and tired. I could have ignored all the messages and not go out in the first place but I didn't. 
The simple difference this time is... I'm already in it. Even without the posted pictures, the cheesy explanations, the cuteness overload moments which I hold back. That doesn't change the way things are. They just make me less of who I am when no one is around. Which is why this place exists in the first place - so I can let it all out and be a more controlled and balanced version of myself. 
And I'm having this ... Not exactly jealousy but... I sort of envy the people who have known you for a long time and were able to be there for you when you needed it, who were there to also share the good stuff. I also wonder if this version I know now is a result of all the previous experiences and how much of it is holding back thanks to learned lessons just like me. I wonder also if you have a ghost or not even though we all do every now and then. It's the things that happened and we were not able to prevent. The people that changed us and come to haunt us sometimes. And maybe also how much of what we do has already happened before. It isn't fair to be wondering such stuff as we all have history with people but still, my mind tends to go to strange places when left unsupervised. 
Basically, I think it gets scarier the more time passes because of all the shared moments and because of the growing attachment. Not saying it won't make it any less true anyway. And I can't get passed the moment a while ago when I was saying that as much as I enjoy this, it scares me to death and half of me wishes I never knew you existed, you said that you can go if I say so. If it was reversed, I'm not sure what I'd say or do. But would it be that easy really? That's the thing I guess, which is scary. It's okay when nothing ever means anything. But what if it does and what if it ends?
Silly me, of course, I've already been through enough to know things end and people survive anyway. That is why I miss the reckless and unapologetic version of myself. She'd never let all that matter as much and would be fine without all the cuteness overload stuff. This me, however, will learn in time that none of it matters as much and will be okay with being okay.

06 май, 2018

if i have to

Well, maybe it's a Marti sucks day all around. I haven't had one of those in a while, excluding the work days which are that way all the time now. Basically, I'm the person who always knows what she wants and how to get it (work related) and now I'm in my notice period with only the tiniest of idea of a suitable job for me. I am calm and it hasn't hit me yet that I fought hard for what I had and that I'm leaving it. Maybe I'm just now starting to realize it. 
I mean, I've gone from zero to sixty in like no time and decided to make a complete mess out of everything. Maybe it's about time I started fixing it by reordering my priorities and having a reality check. Because I spent the days sleeping and was too tired to take care of my uni stuff and now I feel lame because ... It used to be okay to be a lazy ass during the weekend. I like being places and seeing people, sure, but I do need my me time in order to keep my crazy in check and not feel like a failure just like I am today. 
At least I got to start doing sports and was hoping to quit smoking but that will have to be let for later. And instead of seeing and writing about all the good stuff, I am as usual venting and writing about the shitty ones because this is the scary dark place that will understand. Or even if it doesn't, I will someday, when I get to read it again. I wanted to get back to writing last summer - didn't happen because of reasons I can't even find. I wanted to keep my job for at least a year but I didn't. I'm starting to think I'm the problem and not the job. Then I again think of all the reasons I did decide to quit and see it all - still there. Then again, I feel like a loser for not fighting hard enough. This one is sort of a vicious circle that I've been avoiding and justifying. 
At least I'm done with social experiments, saving people and other disasters. I've had enough of that shit to last a lifetime. And I must have learned some lessons along the way which keep me grounded. I mean, people can come, people can go, I've stopped chasing them around and didn't even notice. 
I think I need to also evaluate who I've trusted so far and should I have trusted them in the first place. Because apparently I value trust and secrecy and honesty more than some of them do and now I'd very much like to throw something at them. Or at myself for being this stupid. You'd think that I'd have learned so far but I haven't. And in this case I can't even say the right thing to sort of set the record straight and be done with it. 
And well ... I might as well go through that before my head explodes and my urge to light a cigarette wins over the need to write. I don't say stuff like that. Every damn time I decide to do, it's more of an ending then anything. So usually it's like .. It's like a beginning to an end to say those words. And I was trying not to say them again, I was biting my lips every time they tried to escape. I think what scares me more is that I mean them and am not saying them just because things are good between us. And it's not a goodbye anymore. Though of course right after that I got to screw things up and it might as well be just because yes, I'm that lame sometimes and I need to be alone because I'm a crappy company. 
I think the only reason I liked social experiments was because I didn't have to care and didn't have to let people in. Mostly because I'm the ghost of a writer who mainly writes in her blog, has a lot of bad habits, plenty of issues that screwed her up long before she knew how to fix herself and who tends to get lost in the people around her so much that she forgets who she is. Maybe because most of the time she isn't.
So what if I sound like an idiot most of the time. In fact, I am also being an idiot who is sitting here, explaining how much things suck without actually doing anything about it. I might as well do something and then see if I will be writing the same stuff.
And for the record, saying it might make me an idiot, but it also makes me brave and that is what I intend to focus on. Only this place know how scary everything is to me and how much it takes to not be running away just because letting people in means they get to know you, spend time with you and then leave (which happens so often that I might even write a book about it some day). So, okay it is.