29 декември, 2017

2017

January:
How do you explain to people that your tattoos are representations of your stages in life? Like ... It's really not you, it's me.
I always get over things because they happen. All of my stories are real, never just possibilities... This can't end because it never was. Not really.
At some point I think I read too much epic books and figured that anything I have to say, someone has already said it, and in a much better way.
So what if I'm not the love of your life? I am somebody's. But until he shows up... I'm all yours.
I think even my best getting over strategy will fail me this time. And that's what scares me.
I want to have it all and I want it to be enough.

February:
Distance is just a fucked up excuse as usual.
I said I'd be here whatever happens but maybe I shouldn't be.
Maybe it's okay to not belong. It's okay to not have it all, for now at least.

March:
And well those are the things we don't talk about. Because if we do, they are real and if they're real then they have to mean something.
Of everything I've lost I still miss myself the most. And my sanity. I'd give it all up just to be that girl who got married without her parents knowing. The one who went to Sofia without them ever finding out. The one crazy enough to survive everything and still be okay with it. 
But in our defense, it's way better to not talk about your weaknesses, isn't it. Why spoil the good memory with an awkward explanation when it can happen again afterwards. 
I'd have already started drinking coffee just to remember what kissing you felt like...

April:
Like he said today, we learn our lessons and then we're on to the next one.
I am defined by the things I never have. Not for long anyway. It ends or it doesn't.
I'm just sort of sick of all the excuses people find not to make some effort and make things work. I would have. Hell, I have. Not that it turned out so great but trying beats the hell out of not trying any day.
You never know when that thing you try might turn out to be the thing you needed all this time.
I think I always make sure I screw up big time so I no longer have any right to make more plans, steps or whatever.
Why be reminded of all the things that prove you were not good enough when you know it all too well by now.

May:
Reckless has always looked good on me and I might as well enjoy it while I can.
It takes two to keep things going and I'm not making any more efforts. If you want to be in my life, find a way.

June:
It's always the one thing you don't have that seems to overshadow everything and everyone else.
Some things will always mean too much. By things I mean people and all the memories that came with them.
Лекарството против липса на хора са други хора.
Повече сили за душевни самоубийства нямаме. А и при липса на душа, няма много смисъл.

July was mostly about me leaving my job, having driving courses again and finding a new job. Which ironically enough started at the last day of July. I got to love such new beginnings. Things have been good ever since. I guess that is the reason why I have not been writing at all - too much living.

August was getting used to the job and prepping for exams.

September was exams and looking for a new place to live. Alas, we found it and I now have two roommates - one old and one new. Having a room of my own is heaven.

October was busier kinda. My new uni classes are so boring and we have so many papers to submit that I almost regret starting that MA in the first place. Hopefully it will be over soon.

November started with the big hiring for my favorite project and were mostly about interviews and late nights.

December was the blast - the diamond in the crown. The perfect ending to a potentially horrible year which eventually turned out for the best. Well, almost. First there was this party where my nightmare came to life with that karaoke night and the ghost of somebody's past. Then eventually I got invited to two dates afterwards but that ship has sailed I think. Borovets and 8th December were a whole different adventurous story which I'd rather keep to myself but damn, I want more of that (thought I got lucky and there were no horrible consequences). The weekend after that was the Christmas party of TT - best night ever. I got to dance, meet some new people, take some pictures and basically enjoy the good work I've done while spending time with some of my new hires. I also got my gift finally.

Overall, life is good sometimes.

18 юни, 2017

it is what it is

Неделя вечерта е и не успях да подредя нищо. Дори успях да си разхвърлям живота още повече. Може би трябваше като Алиса поне да започна с подреждането на гардероба, който всъщност е почти подреден. Поне успях да снимам в домашна обстановка и да реша, че в далечното бъдеще искам да си имам фото студио и да съм доста по-навътре в материала. Въртят ми се идеи за писане, идеи за снимане... Всичко е хаос от идеи и нито една не се случва, защото Марти не й се занимава да подрежда. Дори и да разхвърля не й се занимава, което е плашещо. Може би дъното е било по-близо, отколкото очаквах и вече съм го стигнала. 
Та да, мина година. Cheers to that. Минаха и два месеца, в които времето ли е спряло, аз ли съм спряла, идея си нямам. Липсва ми усещането за цел и посока. 
Имах си удоволствието от работа като горд и дисциплиниран козирог, но и на това успяха да посегнат. Сесията все още е в разгара си и не знам дали съм доволна от себе си или ми иде да зарежа всичко и да замина за някъде. Гони ме желанието за татуировка, за цветна коса или за по-тъмна коса ... Дори това не мога да се реша да направя. Дъно ... И лопата, за да копая по-надолу. Липсват само съучастниците временно. Лекарството против липса на хора са други хора. Колко е лекарство и колко е ефективно не обсъждаме. Въпросът е да действа за малко поне. Проблемът е, че и това не върши работа в последно време. Минаваме към въображаемите хора - тях си ги бива винаги. Не ти мрънкат като ги изведеш в парка и не желаят внимание непрестанно. Само ти желаеш тяхното, ако е възможно през цялото време, за да не ти остава време за мислене. 
Сезон три и изчезването ... Ще забележи ли някой, ако те няма? Умишлено още не съм посегнала към Грей, защото се пази за когато съвсем съм се отказала от всичко. Пак опирам до петте неща, които може и да не са пет и да са различни от преди, но общо взето... Марти си няма никаква идея какво ще прави и е на автопилот. Повече сили за душевни самоубийства нямаме. А и при липса на душа, няма много смисъл. Inside jokes for the win. Time for bed, because Monday. I don't even need to explain that one. Just go with it.