30 януари, 2009

Wait and see...

I made a promise myself that I will try to stop this. I promised I won't talk about you. I even was afraid to turn on the damn skype, because I was checking every five minutes if you were there or not. And if you were, then I started to think what were you doing that you are not writing.
Then again I didn't exactly kept my promise... And I'm sorry I didn't. But it's not easier to not know what you are doing. It's not easy at all. And hopefully at a time in the future I won't care that much... But right now the idea that you are out there with her freaks me out!
And I know I'm not allowed to talk like that. I mean, who am I to decide what will you do or not... But I can't make myself stop. I tried and... Well, the result is obvious. Anyway, tomorrow I won't be able to check on you every five minutes and I hope I won't have time to worry about where are you. So... Have a nice day without me. And... Let's see it you would miss me the way I do. Because if you do miss me at least half the way I miss you, then... Well... I think that would be enough for me. But... I'm not sure you will even notice that I'm gone. Then again... We'll wait and see.

29 януари, 2009

И в мъглата от парфюм...

Мисъл... Кратка, бърза, моментна, обсебваща... Като ароматът на парфюм, който докосва едва с пръсти. Мирисът се впива в теб така, както ноктите се плъзгат по кожата, оставящи червени следи. Сладка болка... Горчиво опияняваща, невъзможно силна, оставяща без дъх всеки... Или поне мен...
Дъх... Замъгляващ студеното стъкло. Ледена целувка... Нереална, истинска, вечна... Сякаш те докосва снежинка... Студено и влажно докосване. Потръпваш в мига щом погали лицето ти... Превръща се в хладка капчица вода, която се стича по лицето... Докосва устните ти... Умира там, целувайки те вечно... Може би...
Мечта... Детска, невинна, желана, сънувана... Недостижима, невъзможна... Всяка мисъл... Носи нова сладка болка... Впиваща се в кожата... Оставяща аромат... Далечен, желан... Докога ще продължи това?... Завинаги... Защото само вечността е онова, което имам със сигурност...
Вик... Раздиращ тишината... Усещаш ли неговата сила?... А бе само шепот... Нереален... Само в мислите ми... Дочу ли го?... Почувства ли?... Знам, не си... Мислиш, че е само сън... Илюзия... Опияняваща, страстна... Вледеняваща... Утрото ще я отпъди както миналата нощ... И всяка друга преди това...
Чувството разкъсващо... Искам да спре... Без теб... То не значи нищо... И носи само болка... Признавам сладка и желана е, но боли... Парфюмът... Казващ много повече от думите... Оставящ следи... Ще изчезне... Както снежинката на устните ми, която ще се стопи... Ще изчезне... Завинаги... Или поне докато не повикам спомените... Ще се скрия в тяхната студена сянка... Вледеняваща... Убиваща... Самота...Пристрастена... Към теб... Към всяка секунда на сладост... На студенина... Обсебена... Желаеща само теб и то сега... Ела... Последвай гласа ми... Докато шепна името ти... А утре... Когато утрото настъпи пак ще си далеч... Зная... Но няма значение... Не и докато вярваш в илюзията заедно с мен... Просто ме последвай... Там, където завинаги ще лежи студената целувка на снежинката... Донеси топлината... И в мъглата от парфюм... Нека пием в името на вечността... Онази, която сами ще създадем... Завинаги...

Just so you know

The words... You will never hear me say those three words to you, that's for sure. But that doesn't mean that I can stop myself from showing their meaning. I can't not smile when I see you, I can't pretend I don't care. I can't run away no matter how hard I try, because it feels like the further I go, the closer I get. And I know it's wrong. I'm not saying she doesn't deserve you. I'm sure she is great and loves you really much. I'm not asking you to leave her and to be with me. But I just can't get away...
The reasons why I love you?! Well I could write all day and all night and I would still not have all of them here, but let me try at least.

I love you~
~because you make me smile no matter what I do or how I feel. Even if I'm desperately crying I can't not smile.
~because when I'm with you it seems like time and place doesn't really matter that much.
~the way you are - funny, gentle, sweet, kind, generous, good... and above all things - still a kid in your soul.
~because somehow you can make my heart beats faster and slower in the same time.
~because you don't expect me to be great - you accept me the way I am, no blame in your eyes and words, no disappointment, just smile of understatement.
~because you made my eclipse go away.
~the way I never loved anyone before...

I believe that someday you will make the world a better place. I might not be the one holding your hand then, but I think you should know, that I believe in you. And... The castle with all of our dreams in it - it might not be real, but for me it is. Because you made it that way. You made me believe when no one else did. You showed me a way out when all I could see was darkness. If you are my dream, then I would never want to wake up. But you are not. And... I still want to believe that it's one of my perfect dreams and there will be the "happily ever after" part for me in the end. But... I know I won't have it. And I don't mind as long as you are happy with her.
So... Be great, be perfect, be in love, be happy, but don't forget to be yourself... Because that's what really makes you special at least to me.

And P.S. I love you!

27 януари, 2009

Inconditionally and irrevocably in love!

Whose eyes so blind were not to see
the simplest thing there is to be,
that only heart can really feel
what words would never dare to reveal.
I dare to say it - I love you.
It's too late to take it back anyway.
And I can make you feel what love is
like never before,
because you did the same for me.
So... pick me... choose me...
Love me!

Никога няма да узнаеш...

Измина много дълго време, откако той се бе върнал преди тя да се осмели да говори с него. Нищо не беше същото както преди. Вече почти никога не можеше да срещне усмивката му или дори погледа му, а направеше ли го бе случайно, защото бе застанала на пътя му към някой друг. Не беше лесно да срещна пренебрежението му всеки път. Не беше лесно и да се преструва, че не го познава. Най-лошото беше, че не можеше да намери никакъв подходящ начин да промени нещата, а тази мисъл я ужасяваше.
-Някога бяхме приятели, помниш ли? - запита тя веднъж, когато стаята вече бе останала празна и знаеше, че единствено той ще чуе думите й.
-Добре го каза - бяхме. - отвърна той без дори да я поглежда.
-Знам, че нямам правото да те моля за каквото и да било, но поне ме чуй. - каза му тя и се приближи, докосвайки ръката му, за да го накара да я погледне.
-Знам, че всичко, което направих... Няма как да поправя миналото, но...
-Права си, няма как. - отвърна той и дръпна ръката си, отдалечавайки се от нея.
-Съжалявам, че съм била глупачка да не забележа теб от всички други. Съжалявам, че заради мен си се променил толкова и... Съжалявам... Но приятелите не заслужават ли втори шанс? - прошепна тя отчаяно, защото едва сдържаше сълзите си.
-Твоите може би... - отвърна той и погледна за миг към нея с онзи студен изпепеляващ поглед.
-Ти също си ми приятел, независимо дали ти смяташ мен за приятелка. Това няма да се промени. Не ме интересува какво ще кажеш или направиш, за да ме нараниш така, както аз теб. Всъщност вече го направи, но... - спря за миг тя.
-Отново допускаш същата грешка, не виждаш ли? Светът не се върти около теб. Разбери го! Да, бяхме приятели. Но някъде в миналото. Ако можех щях да променя това. Сега, макар и късно поправям грешката си. Може би и ти трябва да направиш същото. - каза й той и излезе от стаята.
-Единственото, което искам да променя... Е това, че никога не разбрах какво си всъщност за мен, докато не те загубих. - прошепна тя. Няколко сълзи се стекоха по бузите й. Сълзи, които той никога нямаше да види. Думи, които той никога нямаше да чуе. Болка, която никой друг не би искал да изпита...

26 януари, 2009

Somehow I can't help myself

I can't help myself. When I'm around you the only thing that I can think about is you. When you look at me my heart starts beating faster and when you smile at me and say my name it feels like there is no air around, or at least I can't take enough to make myself breathe normally. And... I can't erase that stupid smile on my face when you look at me that way... or any way at all. And I feel like... I'm intoxicated by you, and your eyes, and your voice, and... your everything actually. And somehow... No matter how bad my day is, when I think about you everything seems so right. And if the damn sky falls over me I won't even notice, because all I'll be thinking about is you. The stupid truth is that... Nobody cares really. Including you... And... Normally I wouldn't care. It's for the best, because you have her, but... I care somehow, because I would never find all the best of me if it wasn't for you. I would never try to make the day better, if you didn't need me to. I would never say all those stuff, if I wasn't so impossibly in love with you!
I said it! I love you, damn it. I'm addicted to you. I'm obsessed. I could go anywhere, just to see your smile. And it's worth it all if I can just see you, feel you...
And even when I know you will never be mine the way I want it, being your friend is fine with me. Because... I would give up all those crazy love thing if I could for the promise, that I will never lose that smile of your in my day. And... I can't help it, so... Let me just say that I love you, and that would be enough for me, even if you never really hear it from me... Because... Sometime love doesn't need words... You can sense it and feel it and maybe even see it. You just have to look at me for more than five seconds. Can you do that. Can you see what I'm trying to hide even from myself. Because... I know you can... But then... The right question is... Do you want to?
Well, my secret stays safe anyway. It's not like I will scream it to the world. Not that I don't want to, but... I want you to see it. And if you don't, then I would now that, " it's never to become
For I am not the on".

Can't get away

You know, I've never thought about that, but... Today something made me realize it - I can say thousand of words and they won't be enough to describe what I feel about you.
It's like... I was drowning and you saved me. Now... The air seems so pure, the sky is so blue, the sun is shining more beautiful with every single day that passes.
Everything is a lot easier when I'm around you. I don't have to pretend that I like something that you do or hate something that you do. I don't have to prove myself every minute, because you somehow make me believe in myself. You are the only one, who can find the very best part of me. The part that I never really believed I had. Being around you is as easy as breathing. It all comes natural. And... You make even the most serious thing look like a game. It's like being in the kindergarten. It is all a game that we play for fun. And somehow your smile makes me smile too.
I'm not giving that up, no matter what the future will bring to us. Because... No matter how many times I will say "mind over matter", I can't get away from you. And... I don't really want to.

21 януари, 2009

What's it gonna be...

It is a game of right or wrong. There is a choice I have to made, a step to take... And to tell you all I'm allowed to. I've said too much already. I made my choice. I took the steps carefully not to get too closer, but it's too late. Because I can't get away now. I can't stay away from you. I can't stop crossing that line, that I should not even get closer to.
But why didn't you stop me?! Why didn't you said something?! Does that mean that... You want me to get closer to you? Because... I'm not sure what to think anymore. I've lost the fight between what's wrong and what's right. I can't find the answer myself. So I need your help now.
You'll have to decide is it wrong for me to be around. You'll have to decide if you want to be the brightest color of my day or not. Because I know what I want, but it seems just too much to wish for... And too wrong even to think about it.
So... what's it gonna be...

20 януари, 2009

Magic

"Do you believe in magic?" he asked when he reached to touch her face. His eyes were calm and tender, but his smile so light, almost like he wasn't smiling.
"What kind of magic?" she asked and looked at his face, trying to read his expression, but as always she couldn't find what she was looking for. He was the best at keeping his thoughts just to himself, especially when he wanted to surprise her somehow.
"All of it..." he said with laughter in his voice. He knew how curious she was, so his plan would be a lot like perfect.
"Well... Yeah, I think I do believe in it. But why are you asking?" she continued to look at his face and started to distract him with her lovely smile.
"Because I will prove it to you." he assured her and laughed at his own thoughts for just a second.
"How can you prove it?" she asked lost in her confusion. Her eyes were wide now, looking for the solution of her question in her mind, but there was no one, so she looked at his face slowly from his lips to his eyes."Tomorrow you'll see." he said and satisfaction rushed into his voice. He kissed her just lightly as to remind her that he was still with her, because she was somehow lost in her thoughts.
"Tell me now!" she asked in a childish way, hoping that it would break through his determination and he would tell her exactly what he meant.
"Just wait until tomorrow and I'll show you. I promise!" he said and kissed her one more time.
"This feels like a magic too..." she whispered and tried to remember how to breath.
"Maybe because it is..."

Love can sometimes be magic.
But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion.

18 януари, 2009

Another personal disaster

You might not remember my name. You don't need to, and I don't mind. I'm already used to being nobody. Being invisible is kind of cool if you try to see it that way, so I don't care if you know me or not.
You may not talk to me, but on your face I can see all the disappointment that you feel. And I know I'm not that good like you, but at least I'm trying. You are not supposed to judge me for that. Your words might not be rude, but your eyes have let you down this time. I can see it all - you wish I had never tried in the first place. You wish I stayed on the side, where you would never see me.
But I'm there. And you see me. When no one else says I should leave, then why are you showing it. I have the same right to be there, like you. And even if I was better I would never doubt in your abilities. Because that's what we do. We stand behind each other. We play as team. If we lose, then we'll lose as a team again.
And you might not approve me being there, but I will be. So deal with it, damn it! I'm not there for anyone but myself and I'll leave when I want to!

13 януари, 2009

Mind over matter

When you are a kid, you know that you can have almost everything that you want. Mommy and Daddy love you and they would do anything to make you happy - like to buy you this cute Barbie doll with her brilliant dress or the doll-house that looks just like a castle. You are their princess and life is easy that way. The whole being a kid thing is pretty damn good. Because you feel like the world is yours. And because when you hear the story about the princess you can really believe that you are her and your prince will find you some day and will take you away. You believe in magic, in wishes upon a star, in the "happily ever after" part of life. At least that's what I used to believe in.
Nobody learned me in my whole life that there is no such thing as prince, who will come someday for me. No one told me that I can't have everything that I want and that dreams almost never come true. But this was a lesson that I probably should learn a long time ago... But I didn't...

I remember it clearly now... I wanted to scream it to the world... I wanted everyone to know and in the same time I wanted this to be my little secret, because of the impossibility of it to be your secret too. I knew I should never take all this seriously. I knew it was wrong to wish this simple desire of mine. But like a spell I started to whisper this simple words, that I wanted to say.
In this moment of weakness there was nothing I wouldn't do, to make this wish come true. But life is not a fairytale, I can tell. And I can't make you do something that hard for me, nobody can. I just stood there in the cold night. I could feel the freezing air in my lungs and the snow falling all over my face. I was probably the only crazy enough person who would stay like this in this winter night. But there was no place, that could make me feel safe now, there was no ones voice, so warm and so comforting as yours. They say: 'Home is where your heart tells you.' Mine could tell me only three simple words and I was afraid to hear them, so when they suddenly came out of my mouth as a whisper, it was because of my ridiculous wish. It couldn't be truth. I started to run, but the running didn't last much, because I fell down in the snow. I couldn't make myself get up. I just sit there trying to make my stupid and selfish desire go away and in the same time I wanted to keep it in me for as long as possible. Not because it was connected somehow with you, but because it made a difference... It made me awake again... And safe...

But I knew better why was my wish impossible. The eclipse... My eclipse was now all over your mind... But it seems like it's not just mine and it doesn't always mean that you have no one else around you. Exactly the opposite - the eclipse for you was to be around people all the time, to smile every five minutes with or without reason and just to be happy.
And somehow I couldn't recognize myself without the eclipse... I guess I've lost it somewhere in this road with you. And there was only one possibility for me to live without it - the forbidden one, the impossible.
There were no more tears to cry or words to say. The night would keep my secret until there's nothing to keep. And instead of those stupid words that I'd said, I would keep repeating another ones - mind over matter.

09 януари, 2009

The real me

I've been trying to understand how to decide what is wrong and what is right. I still don't have the right answer. But at least I have my own decision. I'll keep walking on this road. I'll be walking right beside you, until you want me to. If you fall, I'll fall with you. If you let me go... I'll let you go too.
The thing is... I don't want to. I want to keep you around me, because somehow you make me different and somehow better. It's like breathing a fresh air after the rain stops. So sweet, natural, blissful. You are the one, who's making me stop playing roles and just live. You can see the real me, no matter how hard I try to hide it. You somehow get through me and... Still I feel safe, like nothing in the world can hurt me in any way. You make me believe, the way I did before. You make me laugh when I'm sad. You are the brightest color in my day and the sun, when it's night.So... I'm not giving this up. Even if I'm being selfish and sin. Being your friend... I could never come up with a better wish than that, and when I have it, it's like the world is mine.
And, I might sound truly not like myself... But it's because I'm not really sure who I am now. When you showed up, I was nobody with no dreams and hopes, who was just trying to hold on until the night falls. Now, it feels like I'm living again. And the air feels more real, the sun shines lighter, the night is not so scary.Or at least I'm not afraid of it, because I have you, right beside me, walking and holding my hand. The brightest color of my day and the sun in the night... Almost like a dream, but a lot like reality...

07 януари, 2009

Sometimes

Our lives can change in every breath we take...
Just like a dream...
Different every second...
Sometimes scary...
Sometimes so sweet, that you wish you could sleep forever.
But still, it's just a dream...
And reality seems so much better,
if you look at it that way...
Because what you dream...
It might be perfect, but impossible,
and you still have it...
But in reality you give everything,
just to make this dream come true.
And some of us... The greatest...
They somehow have their dreams come true...
But in return they give everything they have.So... Some dreams worth the efforts to be made true...
But not everyone of us is ready to give up everything else for them...Which means that...
There aren't impossible dreams...
We are just not that brave to believe,
that those dreams can become true,
because it's so much easier to give in yourself to the illusion...
And sometimes it's for the best...
But 'sometimes'... Means a lot more than you think...

04 януари, 2009

Най-сетне тук

В последните дни се оказва, че все не съм в трезво състояние, за да напиша нещо свястно. Или съм малко пийнала, или съм започнала с мойте глупости, или просто не ми идва на ума какво да кажа. Честита Нова 2009 година! Желая на всички много здраве, щастие, любов, много сбъднати мечти и много много усмивки. =)
Мислех си, че онова бяло одеалце, което е покрило земята навън и продължава да се сипе ще успее някак си да провали днешния и по-специално вчерашния ден за мен. Заради замръзналия път, ю ноу, но се оказа, че това одеалце само допринесе за приятната атмосфера у дома и моето така наречено парти беше просто чудесно.
От посрещането на Нова година насам все съм с приятели и оставам самичка за... може би няколко часа, който естествено отново са свързани с приятелите ми, които са в скайп. Таа... Беше хубаво начало на годината. Беше дори прекрасно. И за това "прекрасно" си има няколко причини. Първата от тях е Тита. Вече по стечение на обстоятелствата не се виждаме често както преди, заради различните училища и други такива. Затова реших, че ще бъде перфектно ако посрещна годината с нея, както и миналата година. Така и стана. Смяхме се цяла вечер, незнам дали заради водката или просто защото беше весело, но се смяхме. Писахме си пожелания и желания за Новата година и си направихме нещо като ритуал. А после цяла вечер си говорихме за какво ли не. Така мина и вторият ден от годината - в смях, малко сънливост, спомени, разкази, смях, усмивки и веселие.
Третият ден - вчера, си беше очарователен. Все пак за тогава беше планувано моето парти по случай 16-тият ми рожден ден. Мислех си, че ще бъде тъпо и скучно. Незнам защо, просто понякога съм автоматично програмирана песимистка в най-неподходящият момент. Та, стана 16.30 и вече с нетърпение поглеждах ту часовника, ту телефона си, ту вратата. Търпението ми не беше подложено на прекалено много мъка, защото веднага се появиха всички и се оказа, че песимизмът в мен отново ме е подвел. Беше си прекрасно. Емоции, водка, смях, музика, закачки... Към 23.00, а може и по-рано започнахме да играем на игричка, в която разделени на два отбора от по трима играчи си обяснявахме филми, ю ноу. Ахх, клипчетата във фотоапаратчето сигурно са велики, но още не съм ги изгледкала xD . Знаете ли колко трудно се обяснява "Мумията", особено като съотборничките Ви вече са си пийнали малко и от време на време им се доспива. Нямам думи просто...
Така неусетно удари дванадесет и 4-ти дойде. Та, днес след толкова бурни часове на разговори снощи с двете ми най-добри приятелки някак не ми се спи, макар че стояхме до 7 сутринта. Поспахме малко и към 11 и нещо отново бяхме на линия. Малко сънени и изморени, но все още с усмивки на лицата.
Та, с всички тези описания, подобни на дневник, исках да си оставя всичко това като хубаво споменче и да го поверя на блогчето ми, за да го пази. Имах и все още имам най-страхотният 16-ти рожден ден правен някога. Не защото беше грандиозен или бе едно от 10 най-нашумели събития в света, а защото прекарах един цял ден с хората, които обичам. Всъщност навършвам 16 години чак в 10 без 20 довечера xD. Но все пак всичко беше страхотно, благодарение на родителите ми и на приятелите ми, които много много обичам!
Дано и вие сте имали поне наполовина толкова приятна и страхотна ваканция, каквато бе моята. Дано сте се забавлявали дори повече от нас. Дано Новата година да ви носи само усмивки и дано ви погали снежинка, просто защото е очарователно, мигновено и някак... магично. =)

xoxo, guys, love ya, u know {}