24 февруари, 2009

Different...

You and me... We are like fire and ice. I smile every time I see you, and you never notice. We live in two different worlds and the only connection is... well I don't know what. Maybe the bridge across that I'm trying to build, so that I can be close to you. We are like sun and rain. You are always smiling and happy and friendly. I usually spend my days being sad, asking myself "what if". The voice inside me, that is like my shadow won't stop putting the question 'what the hell someone like you would wanna know someone like me?', and I'm trying to ignore it, of course.
But "I don't care" is the easiest lie to say, but the hardest to make someone, including yourself, to believe in! So I keep saying that I don't care, but the truth is, I do. Not that it's not obvious, but I guess you are the only one who can't see it.
And... Somehow the connection between our two world exists. Somehow you know me and I know you. We say 'hi', we smile at each other... And then you just disappear. You run away for a while, like you are tired of me. Like you are tired to be my friend. At least, that's how it looks like. And as time goes by I hope I really won't care someday, but just to find out, that I can't face the day without knowing you'll be there with me. And... I'm fine with the fact, that it won't be the way I want it. It never is. But that doesn't mean that I don't miss you. And sometimes it's even hard to breathe, when I know that you are out there and you don't miss me the way I miss you. But... I never expected you to care, so it's okay.You and me... We live in two different worlds. You follow the rules that I would break. And I follow the ones, that you don't care about. You are white, and I am black. You are music, I'm silence... You are the drug and I'm the addict. So you lead, and I'll follow. You make the rules between us, and I promise I won't break not even one of them. You decide if you want me to be in your world or not. And... Whatever you decide... I'll still care, so... Just find the way of your happiness, and I'll be happy for you too.

17 февруари, 2009

Ray of light

I usually hate going back to the past. It's cold, painful and most of the times useless. I don't like remembering who I was. Not because I find the previous versions of me that bad, but because I find out so many things I could have done, but I never did. And I realize that I've been blind for so many things then. I've done so many stupid mistakes, that I've lost their count already.
But there are these moments, when I need to go back and to remember. Not the bad things of the past, but the good ones. And there are lots of them, so the past can be one pretty comfortable place to hang out around.
What I wanted to see in the past were the last two month. They flew around me so fast, that I still can't say how I got here. All that is stuck in mi mind is the brightest color of my day... Which is stupid, since it never really was my color, but what can I say - my mind loves playing games with me. I guess it all started the usual way - I needed something new in my life, or... someone. But what I can't make my mind deal with is this - if it was just for the moment, then why do I still care? Why the thought of losing you makes me wanna cry and scream and run to you and hold you and never let you go? Why my writing is back only when you are around? Why your smile makes my heart starts beating faster? Why did I chose you, when I knew it's never gonna happen?!
I'm not sure if I want this to end. I'm not sure if I wanted it to happen in the first place. But... I've lost that fight a long time ago. Now what I can do is... just breathe and hope, that someday it will all go away and will stay in the past like a bright ray of light. Something to go back to, when I need to feel safe again. And only your smile is enough for that.
When live gives you someone special that enters your life so unexpected like a hurricane, how can you not let him. When this someone knows exactly how to get to you in a way that no one could, how can you not give everything you have to make him happy the way he did with you, even when that means to step back and let him go on. But hurricanes always leave a memory behind. Not painful, rather that mind blowing. A memory that you would never give up having, no matter how much it takes to stay away.
So... I'm keeping my distance from now on. Just so you know - I wish you all the best and always be the child that I know and love.

08 февруари, 2009

Enought for forever

I closed my tired eyes, when there was an hour before the sunrise. I fell asleep immediately without even to realize where my dream would lead me to. And then I opened my eyes with the though of him in my head. I didn't know that I could do that even when I'm asleep. And thinking about him all day seemed enough for me.
I was standing in front of the laptop - that was normal. I was watching TV at the same time. I think my mom was there with me for a while talking to me, but her words I can't remember. Because I was writing to him.
'So... Do you have a girlfriend?' I asked. What a stupid question, since I've already knew the answer, but I guess the sleeping me was far away from reality.
'Yep.' he said.
'And her name is?' was my second stupid question, like I needed to hear all this again.
'Gabriel.' he smiled, but for some reason that smile didn't reach him eyes.
'But I thought it was Samantha...' I spoke my thoughts out loud. This made him laugh and smile, this time bright smile that seemed honest.
'Well... That's true too.' he said, pulling me out of my confusions, but I still couldn't understand what he was talking about. Because as far as I knew that was not true.
Then somehow I was in a big yard with a swimming pool and lots of towers around it, like a castle. That girl, Gabriel, I realized was yelling at me for something I couldn't remember to have done.
'Tell her Daniel.' she told him, while we were walking around the pool and he was in it.
'To tell her what?' he asked a little bored, like this was not the first time that she was yelling without such a good reason.
'Not to go without a permission to my room.' she said, pretending to be sad.
'But I just...' I tried to say, but she pushed me to the pool. I fell in the water and I thought I would stay there forever, because I wasn't such a good swimmer, but I felt his hands pulling me out of the water soon enough.
'Are you okay?' he asked, caressing my face, as if to check if I was awake enough to answer.
'Yeah... ' I said, trying to avoid being distracted by his velvet hand. 'But why didn't you say something. You said we were the same, remember?' I asked, but it would be nice if I could remember those words too. He never said that, or it seemed to fade away in my memory right now.
'I know, and it's true. But it's easier to tell her that she is right or she will keep yelling until I do say so.' he said and it seemed like he wanted me to know that without asking.
Then it all faded away and we were on a road. Me and Daniel were walking in silence.
'How can you lie to Gabriel and Samantha like that?' I asked a little more louder than I meant it to be. I was trying to figure that out in my head, but I was annoyed because I couldn't without thinking about him as a bad guy and that was not something I wanted to believe in.
'It was about time for you to ask that.' he laughed at me and he really expected me to ask even earlier.
'So... Tell me.' I insisted, ignoring his smile and not looking at him, because I knew that if I do that I would slip and I would forget about my insisting tone and all I would do was smile like a complete idiot, which I was most of the time I was with him. So I guess, you can say that I've already had a strategy to deal with the distracting part of him... Well, at least for a while.
'It's true that I lie to them... About being with them both. But... It's complicated.' he said, searching for the right way to explain this to me, as if there was one.
'I can see that, but... I never thought you would do something like that.' I said and he felt the disappointment in my voice.
'I... I didn't.' he said quiet and exhaled, avoiding my eyes, which now were at his face. I wanted to see the answer for myself, so I was trying to figure out his expression, but all I could see was... pain. I regret saying my thought out loud immediately. The last thing I wanted to do was hurting him.
'I thought you know me better than this...' he said, while we were crossing a bridge beneath which there was a river and a few meters after the bridge we could hear the waterfall there.
'I... Just need to know that from you.' I tried to explain and sighed.
'I am lying to them, but they don't know each other anyway. They will never know the truth unless I say it. But... It's just a role that I have to play.' he said while he was looking at the water.
'But why are you playing a role? Why can't you just be yourself?' I asked and went to him. I looked down for a while and then I looked at him. The wind, so light was pulling my hair back.
'I have to play it. I can't not play, except when I'm with you.' he said and looked at me. His eyes were sad, but warm. Like I was someone special to him, and not just the girl he hangs out with.
It was around midnight. I was walking around the castle to check if everyone were asleep, when someone pulled me back and put his hand on my mouth, so that I couldn't scream.
'Calm down, it's me.' he said and then he let his hand fell, making me turn around to him. I would recognize his voice anywhere. I realized I was in his room. It was dark, except for the moon light coming from the window, that was falling on his face.
'Why did you...?' I whispered, but he interrupted my words.
'You asked me why I was playing that role. I think you know the answer. I can't say it, but you can guess. You just have to ask the right questions and you'll figure it out by yourself. I know you will.' he said when he put my face in his hands.
'I... think...' I said, being stupid again. The distraction was to much to handle so fast. I concentrated in breathing even for a while, without any success, of course. It was impossible for my heart and my breathing to be normal when I was close to him.
'Okay... What's the first think you doubt about when you know that I'm playing a role?' he asked, trying to help me.
'Well... That you must be lying for a reason...' I said and my words were snowing just the obvious.
'That's true. But... Maybe I should just...' he whispered to himself and before I knew what was happening I felt his lips on mine. My thoughts disappeared in that moment. My heart started to beat faster as if until that moment it wasn't fast enough. I froze, not knowing what to do and I just enjoyed that kiss, so sweet and soft, because I knew it was a dream and this could never happen for real. It lasted just seconds, then he drew himself back looking at my face and trying to figure out the emotion on it.
'What was... Why did you...?' I was trying to say something in order to understand why he kissed me, but I couldn't say it right. He took my hands in his, giving me enough space to deal with the distraction as if he knew about it. It wasn't hard to guess, though because my pulse was uneven like my breathing. 'Why did you kissed me?'
'You know the answer.' he said and he was sure in that, but I didn't know. I just followed my thoughts now, trying to find out what was so simple to realize for him.
'But... What about Samantha... or Gabriel?' I asked and he smiled.
'Me and Samantha - everyone think that we were meant to be together. And Gabriel - her family and mine think we are perfect together. But, like I said it's just a role. Pretending to be with both of them even when I was around you was hard. And you knew I was playing a role. I guess I played my role well, when I made you believe the lie. But... I can't play anymore. I can't lie to you.' he said and I could see that it was too much for him to lie me. It was obvious and so simple now, that I wondered how I never even suspected that there was something else behind his sad eyes when we were talking about Gabriel and Samantha.
'Don't you love them then? I asked. That was the only thing that I couldn't put in the puzzle of truth. I knew what I wanted to hear but I wanted to hear it, instead of leaving it to my crazy mind.
'I thought I do...' he said. He was looking at me. His face seemed so perfect now when the moon light was falling on it. His eyes were even darker that usual. He was talking with confidence in his voice. 'At least I wanted to believe that I will love them someday eventually. But then you showed up and made me doubt in everything I used to believe in. I couldn't make myself believe that I'll learn to love anyone else... But you.' he looked down for a while as if to find some other way to say this. I wish I could see what my face looked like right now, because I couldn't control my emotions very well. I just stood there not knowing what to say or do.
'I guess I knew that all along. But... I didn't want to believe in it, because I was afraid that... I might just believe in what I wanted to.' I whispered, hoping that he would understand what I was saying.
'Will you stay here with me tonight?' he asked suddenly. His eyes were wide and it seemed like he wanted this for really long time.
'I have to go back. Gabriel will come to my room to see if I am asleep.' I said.
'Please. I know you can find a way to come back. I can't help myself stay away from you anymore.' he said and I knew he really had faith in me.
'I'll give my best.' I promised. Then he interrupted my concentration again with one soft kiss.
The moment after I was talking to Gabriel, explaining that I had been walking around because I couldn't sleep. I told her that I'll go do something useful in the kitchen and then I'll go to sleep. She believed me I guess, but I wasn't in the dream anymore to see what was going to happen. I was awake, still thinking about him and what he said to me. I had so many things to ask and so many things to say, but they all faded away.
It was just a dream after all. The most vivid one that I've ever had. The most perfect one. But... Just a dream - part of my imagination. And as if I knew it was a dream while I was dreaming it, I knew there would be a 'happily ever after' part. What I didn't know was how pathetic I would feel after it, because I wanted so desperately something impossible.


After that dream I might become Peyton's fan. Like she said: "At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one."

03 февруари, 2009

Sigh...

I tried one simple thing for finding answer of the most important question right now: "What it's gonna be for you and me?" Then I opened a book and with my eyes closed I started searching through the pages. I stopped at page 452. There was a part from a rhyme that said:

'Be near me when I fade away,
To point the term of human strife,
And on the low dark verge of life
The twilight of eternal day.'



Well... Not exactly what I expected... But... I couldn't even wish of a better answer. Wait and see, right?! ;]