22 март, 2009

You wanted to know me

'Why did you call me? What's going on? You said it was an emеrgency...' he asked immediately.
'Follow me...' she whispered and started to walk fast.
'Where are you taking me?' he asked again, trying not to fall behind.
'I wanna show you this really special place. No one ever had seen it before.' she smiled back at him and then kept walking.
'But... Why me? Why now? I don't understand.' he complained, trying to figure out what she meant with all this.
'You said you wanted to know me...' she answered simply.'Yeah, but...' he didn't know what to say, so he just followed her. It was not that far, it just took them a few minutes to get to this place. A big door that was the entrance of the castle was opened. It was dark in the corridor, but it was not a problem for her to find the room she was looking for.
'Close your eyes now.' she told him right before to open the pink door in front of her. Then she opened the door and purple and pink and blue rays of light touched his face.
'May I look now?' he asked, when he got in.
'Sure.' she told him. An amazing view appeared all around him. There were lots of photos of her and her friends. There were also teddy bears, sparkling stars on the walls, lots of music CDs...
'What is this place?' he asked when he looked at her.
'This is my world. Everything here means something to me. Every color is special, every photo is much more than a thousand words... This is the very special part of my past and of me myself.' she said and smiled.
'It's... beautiful.' he said looking for the right word, but none was good enough.
'What is the first thing you noticed and you liked in here?' she asked him. He couldn't miss the worried expression on her face, so he really careful looked around before to say anything.
'The lights. The blue ones especially...' he started to say.
'...Because blue is your favorite color.' she smiled, but there was sadness in her eyes.
'May I tell you a secret?' he asked, trying to make her smile.
'Yeah, if you want to.' she answered, but she did not look at him.
'My world is a lot like yours. The lights, the photos... I like to remember the moments that made me happy.' he smiled with his warm smile that could made her smile if only she would look at him now. But she didn't.
'I guess that's the reason why I like you so much, and why I wanted you to see this place.' she said.
'But... If that's what you wanted why are you so sad?' he finally asked as he got closer to her, reaching out to catch her hands.
'Because you can see how similar our worlds are, but somehow... You can't see me in here. It's like I'm just an illusion for you. Someone to talk to, when you have nothing else to do.' she said a little louder that she should have.
'I though you liked being my friend... I thought it made you happy.' he answered, not knowing what he could do, to get things back to normal.
'I do like it. But... I just wanna know, that you gonna miss me if I disappear. I wanna know that, I'm making a difference in your life, and that you would try to make me stay for as long as possible.' she looked at him and she was crying.
'Who am I to wanna hold you here with me? Who am I to decide what's right and what's wrong for you? he said, but with soft edge of anger.
'You are... the brightest color of my day, so... Of course, you can hold me.' she said.
'You don't get it. I want you to be happy. I mean, really happy. And if someone else could give you the happiness that you deserve, I would let you go right now.'
'But I don't want you to let me go. I don't wanna be anywhere else, if you are not there. I wanna wake up with you, I wanna dream about you, and I wanna hold you from dawn till dusk. And... How can you not know this? How can you not see how much do you mean to me?'
'I guess I was looking for something else...' he whispered, remembering something that made him sad.
'Well, did you miss me, while you were out there, looking for yourself?' she let his hands fall leaning back. There was jealousy in her eyes now.
'Do you want the truth or should I continue lying to you?' he answered her with the same angry tone, that she used.
'So... There was a real part? Really? Because I thought that all you made me believe in was a lie.'
'You think that all of that was a lie? You think that... I lied to you, when I said I like being with you?' he couldn't believe this.
'I don't know what to believe in anymore. I don't... I wanna believe, that someday you really gonna see me. But I've waited for so long that, I've lost hope in that. And I tried to let you go, believe me, I tried... But I couldn't erase your smile from my mind. I... I need you in my life... In a way that seems impossible. But I need to know the truth, no matter how bad and painful it is. I need to know what I am for you. Tell me!' she insisted.
'You are... A fresh air after a long day. You are the ray of light in the rainy world I live in. You are... Such a big part of me, that it hurts just to be that far...'
'Stop!' she told him, putting her hand on his lips. 'I don't wanna know all this. I don't, because the moment I believe it, you'll be gone. And I'm gonna stay here only with the memories and the scent of your perfume on my skin and...'
'Look at me.' he whispered and smiled. 'I'm not going anywhere. So... Stop crying, please. This is not the end of the world, and you don't have a reason to be sad, at least not now. You showed me your world today for the first time. And I find it amazing and actually, it is exactly the way I thought it would be. So light and colorful...'
'But... you are going to see her today, right?'
'Is that what this is about? You... Don't want me to... See her...?'
'I... When you wanna be with her, there's nothing I could say, but it's just...'
'Calm down. I'm gonna leave you alone now, before you say something you're gonna regret.' he said and tried to let her go.
'No... Stay... Just a minute... That's all I need and then you can go.' she whispered, hiding her face in his hug.
'Okay... I'm here... Just... Calm down, okay?' he held her in his arms for one long moment, until her breathing became even and she stopped crying.
'I'm sorry... For all I did and said.' she finally told him. 'I just don't know how... To be your friend... When... You smile like that and...'
'I don't think there are some rules about friendship. I think that you just give your friend everything you think he needs and hope it's enough.' he smiled.
'What if it's not?' she asked.
'Then you let your friend go and hope he would come back to you... And just wait.' he simply answered.
'But... What if waiting for him lasts forever?' she laughed darkly.
'Then he never really deserved your friendship, or he was to scared to come back and to see that you quit hoping he would come back.''Yeah... I've never thought about that... Are you gonna come back or should I quit hoping right now?'
'I didn't leave yet.' he smiled.
'But you will, so...'
'Of course you should wait for me. I'm gonna come back even if the future leads me to another world. Because no world would be perfect for me, if you are not in it.'
'Go now!' she said as she let him... 'Go and come back fast, so that I can't miss you for too long.'

18 март, 2009

My everything

If I had the chance to choose between me with the addiction of you or just me, I would choose the first one. Because I have at least three smiles for you. One when I think about you, which just a few people know. One when I remember your smile, which is hard not to notice. And one when I see you. I can't control any of that. The faster breathing or the need to disappear before I start saying the L word lots of times. And I know how idiotic I sound and look, but I would never give that up.
Because you are the moon in a moonless night for me. You shine so strong, that my eyes can't see anything else, but you. I don't know if I'm asleep or awake anymore. And I don't really care if it's day or night or it's raining or not. Because everything I can think about is you. And nothing else matters anymore... And you are my everything...
I can never get away from that. I can never quit an addiction that strong by myself. And I don't really want to. Because it makes me whole in a way that nothing else would. So... Like it or not, you are my heroin and I'm so addicted, that it hurts sometimes. The sweetest pain I've ever felt... With the taste of jealousy and passion and innocence and... magic! This is my dream come true, so... No matter what it takes to keep it, I'm gonna do it. Because an addiction that strong could never really end, right?!

17 март, 2009

Is that... Me?

I can't believe how good lair I've become. I can make people believe whatever I want them to believe, and all I have to do is say it with confidence in my voice, looking in their eyes. It's as easy as breathing actually. I've never given much thought about it before. I never knew I could have so much influence just using my words and putting them in the right order, so that they can make sense.
And... Today I've lost it. I couldn't make people believe me like yesterday. I couldn't show them my point of view. All I could do was standing there and watching it all slip away. And I'm not sure I wanna have such a great influence in people. I mean, I was fine with not being heard. Now that I am and someone actually believes me, I doubt. And I'm scared, and I don't know if this is the right thing to do. I mean, yeah, tomorrow is the day I've waited for such a long time, but is it worth it really?
If I should believe myself like I make people believe what I say... If I should listen to this tiny voice inside of me, then I should give it all up right now. I should have end this a long time ago. But somehow I made myself believe that it's actually going to work in a good way. I still believe that. I just don't know if I want to make people believe me. I don't know if I wanna be heard. I thing I'd rather stay in the dark and be quiet, because sometimes the light in the tunnel is just the coming train. Or at least that's how it feels when you dare to look in the truth's eyes and realize that everything you've done was a lie. All you wanted was to break someone's heart, so that you could have it. And the prize isn't worth it at all.
It's not fair of me to use my influence on people the same way, that it's not fair to want this and to try to have it. Maybe in another world I could have you, but in this one as long as you are happy, there's no place for me in your world, or at least not the place I was trying to steal. Because that's exactly what I was trying to do - take something that doesn't belong to me, and never will anyway.I wish I was strong enough to believe myself this time. But I crossed this line a long time ago, so I can't just go back. So I guess I'll just wait for you to tell me to go away, like the worst kind of pathetically in love and obsessed with you and illegally ridiculous dreamer.And you can call me selfish now, but it doesn't feel wrong being around you in a way that I want. The opposite, it feels warm and comfortable, as if I've been away for too long and now I'm finally back home, where it's safe and pleasant. And the funniest thing is, I've never thought I could feel like that. No matter how wrong that sounds, I love every part of being sin, as long as I have you by my side. And, even if I have to wait until another world appears, I'm fine with that, because all we have for free is time, right? And even time is sometimes late, just like in this story, where I'm the bad guy.
Who cares anyway? This is the only life I have and unless something feels wrong, if I like it, I'm going for it.

11 март, 2009

Delusion

I never thought I would say something like that. Well, I guess life can always surprise us, because I'm saying it - I want my silence back. I mean... There are so many thing to think about right now. There are so many decisions that I should make. And it's not easy. It's not easy at all, because... I don't wanna make the same mistakes again. I wanna make things right. And I don't know how. And I'm afraid, that I might mess them up even more.
The point is... I wanna stay for one long moment in the cloud of nothing... Just the music, me and my delusion of him. And the eclipse, of course. My lifetime addiction. It would be one moment of safety, peace, silence and perfection. The kind of perfection that makes me wanna stay like this forever, with his velvet voice whispering all the thing I wanted him to say, holding me in his arms and touching gently my hair...
Nothing else would matter. Just for that moment, I wanna have it all. And when it ends, I don't mind being lost again. Because at least I'll have this delusion to hold on to. And I could always go back to that moment. My moment of silence and no thinking. Just standing there and being in the middle of my dream... Lost...
No pain, no fear, no thought... Just me and him and the quiet music in the background that echoes around us.

How can I miss this?
And how can I not?
How can I be lost?
How can I not be?
Can I miss something that I've never really had?
Can I lose something that never really was mine in the first place?

In the end... hopefully I will be whole again... Hopefully I won't miss it... Hopefully... I'm gonna find what I was never looking for...
Because life loves surprising us.

08 март, 2009

Lie

'Hey!' he said with his perfect smile on his face. That view always made me lose my thoughts, but I knew I had to try to keep them, because otherwise I would just stare at him not knowing what to say or do.
'A minute later and you would be late.' I said and he started laughing.
'How can I ever be late when I'm coming here?' he answered and smiled again getting closer to me with every word he spoke. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the stupid voice in my head, telling me that he loves me and when I opened them, he was standing right there in front of me.
'I didn't know you liked being here.' I said out loud and then I looked at him regretting saying that, but his smile was there again and what I said didn't seem wrong to him.
'There are a lot of things that you don't know about me.' he simply said.
'Do you want me to know those things about you?' I asked him and for the first time I was able to stay serious and not being distracted by his face and hair and smile...
'When the right time comes you'll know everything.' he answered, but that was not what I wanted to hear.
'But I wanna know you now. I wanna know what are you thinking, what do you wish for, what do you...' I was going to say a lot, but he just put his finger on my lips, telling me with that to stop.
'You'll know, I promise.' he said and I was ready to complain, but then I saw his dark chocolate eyes and I knew he meant it. I knew he would tell me everything that I wanna know.
'Do you wanna play a game?' I asked then, trying to forget all the seriousness. I wanted him to be happy here with me. Nothing else mattered.
'What game?' he asked and looked at me, suspecting that I had something else in mind and the game was just the cover of it.
'Every time you smile I'll kiss you.' I said and the thought of that made me smile. But then when I looked at him again, he was not happy with what I said.
'You know we're friends, but...' he started to say, but I stopped him this time.
'But you love her and she loves you. I know that... I just didn't want to remember it. And I was pretending that it's just a dream, being here with you, so I wanted it to be special.' I said all that and then turned around, because my stupid emotions made me cry and I didn't want to make him sad with my sadness.
'You know, I like you. Don't get me wrong, but... I can't be unfaithful.' the moment he said that realized that I knew he would never kiss me. I knew he would never leave her, because that was the thing I liked about him. He was loyal and kind and in love with her.
'I'm sorry I said that.' I started to say. 'I'm sorry I made you unhappy. I know the truth, but I just don't like it. And I'm sorry, but I can't help myself not being in love with you... And it's not like you are acting just like my friend. The way you smile and the way you talk to me is... Not like a friendly conversation, but like something more. So... I'm sorry...' I said when I looked at him again.
'Don't cry.' he whispered, when he hugged me. 'I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I want you to be happy.'
'Then why don't you wanna play this game with me?' I asked him, being stupid.
'Because that will only hurt you. And I don't want to hurt you more, than I already did.' he caressed my hair and smiled.
'Maybe you need to kiss me, to love me.' I said and we both laughed at that. No one but me could say something so stupid like that.
'Maybe I need to know you, don't you think?' he asked then. And that gave me a whole new view of the situation. He wanted to know me. And if he knew me, he would love me.
'What do you wanna know?' I asked then.
'Everything... I only don't wanna know how does it feel to lose you.' he said and I felt his hands stronger around me.If that was a lie, I didn't care. All I wanted was here and now. That was the dream I would like to be in forever. Because a dream like that is my idea of perfect.