31 януари, 2014

education is ruining my life, it seems ... or vice versa

It turns out that just when I have so many things to do, my ideas start begging me to let them out and make me unable to focus on the things I'm supposed to be doing. Damn it! Education is ruining my inspiration.
I forgot to mention my new hair-style idea. I'm planning to dip dye it purple or pinkish red in order to properly celebrate the end of the exam session and being part of a new group. I love doing something to my hair every now and then and basically ruining its recovery, but this time I am only damaging the already damaged part of it.
Well, I am off to try and memorize as many words as possible and maybe practise a dictation. Fun stuff! At least my day started with my new favourite TV show.
I think exams should be at night and work should be at night and during the day people should get to sleep. I can't do anything productive before 3 pm. and I can't go to bed before 3 am.
My life is too short and I should not have to be surrounded by idiots if I can help it. It's as simple as that.
I also need to find some new inspirational pictures and music. Not that I am trying to put off studying or anything. I am going to study right now ! But I might as well write another post before I go to bed. Sleep will not be coming very easy, since I am excited to get it over with the first and the longest exam and have one less thing to worry about. Okay, I'm out now.

inspiration has a strong hold of me

I'm headed for one hell of an exam session, starting with my first and longest exam on the first of February. I'm still not done reading the last of the TID books, I have so many things to learn and do, that I can barely make plans to see my friends. And yet I had to find myself some new TV show to watch. I mean the "Carrie Diaries", which I thought I would hate since I'm not a fan of "Sex and the city" but it turns out Carrie is kind of awesome when she is sixteen. Plus my other obsession "Reign" is an adventure of its own. And I am planning on starting to watch "Teen Wolf" after the exams. I've also marked a bunch of movies, lots of books to read... All the fun in the world at least the way I picture it and yet tomorrow I have to study and not watch my super fun awesome new TV sh
ow.
This studying better be worth it, as I said earlier to Teddy. I hate giving my best and I almost never do so, unless it's on my writing, so SU should feel special now. 
Also, I'll be in Teddy's group next semester which is something I look forward to. Okay, we might skip a few lectures, but we read from our kindles when we have lectures anyway. I know. Kids, do not do this in your university. For us being lazy and obsessed with books we will pay in just a day when the exams begin. But, I mean really?! Phonology and phonetics teaching me how to be lazy with my speaking and skip almost every letter of a word? I'm speaking English, not French! And I have been trying to improve and complicate my way of speaking, not ruin it completely and sound like a lazy ass idiot. With the rest I seem to not have that much problem dealing with. Morphology is a pain in the ass, but I get most of it. Poetry sucks. I was never a fan of something that can have more than ten meanings. Plus I am a fan of more words. The more the better! 
Here I am, talking about studying. The point is... I am inspired and there are so many things I want to do but I am putting them aside for the greater good of having an education. I will be back soon to complain, so this is my last happy moment for the next month. It feels good to not be able to stop laughing even though you will wake up your boyfriend who now hates you for keeping him awake at 2am. in the morning. Not you. Me. And he ain't seeing nothing yet. My favourite time is 4am. after all. But I will not tell him that now in case he takes my kindle away... or my laptop... or both! Nah... he probably refuse to go buy me food at least. It's a good thing I can make the puppy-dog eyes.

30 януари, 2014

insanity has always had the best of me

I've made a plan for every single day of the exam session. My decision to be productive may ruin permanently my peace and quiet, but being productive keeps my mind alert at all times and is kind of inspiring. Plus, I am collecting experiences so I can write about them later and sleep deprivation is part of it, stress as well. It will be here anyway, I will just enjoy the way it kicks by behind and then write about it.
I went through a whole textbook in two days and managed to even go to a lecture. I just never make the effort because I can always pass without giving all my best. Well, now I am giving all my best, so all efforts are enjoyed and will pay up I hope. And when it is all over, I will enjoy a week (or four) of laziness, books, TV series, music, food and cappuccino. As Meredith says : What's that saying... Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.
I also have new ideas and I wish I had the time to work on them, but at least I will make sure to keep them safely written somewhere. Any idea that stays in my mind, even if I do not work on it, eventually finishes itself on its own. I have no idea how that happens, but I love it!
And tomorrow is going to be a day of Morphology and Phonology and some other stuff, so I better go get some sleep while I still can.
And remember, if you happen to find the fire within you the way I have, never ever let it go out. I've lost it, found it again, lost it, then found it. There is nothing wrong with being lost ... You never know what you will find. But having that fire that makes you stay up at night and do something rather than sleep and have no memory of it... This is how I remind me of what I really am. Not you. Not anyone.
Somehow I realise that I no longer see characters as simply characters ... I imagine them as real and discover with pleasure what is hidden within their souls, why they do what they do, why they think the way they think... I see all those things as pieces of a puzzle and it is quite helpful in creating my own ideas of characters. Well, reading has always been my favourite way to learn how to write, so this is what I will keep doing. Experience, whether imaginary or real, is still experience.

26 януари, 2014

peace and quiet

I finally got to sleep, to stay up late by choice, to drink my cappuccino in peace with no people around to piss me off. Being away from people for me is a peaceful time, where I get to steal time for myself and to my job, as well as the things I love doing, Reading and writing are not a priority for the time being, but as soon as my exams are over I plan to focus all my time on them. Unfortunately my exams may not even happen, thanks to a few people who apparently think occupying SU will make the government resign. Well, good luck with that, but can you get your sorry behinds out of my Hogwarts and let me continue my education?! I get that people are trying to make things better but my parents work so that I can be here and take my exams, so unless those idiots plan on doing that for me, they better find some other building to occupy.
And then everyone wonders why I hate people.
I've done so much studying in the last two weeks and yet there is still more waiting. My heaven of peace and quiet will be ruined by my boyfriend coming back, which is supposed to be a good thing because I need someone to keep my bed warm and bring me food. Okay, okay, if I stay alone for a few more days I will go crazy, but it feels so good to be by yourself, especially when you have no ghosts hunting you, no annoying thoughts, no words that you cannot say. Looking back, I can't exactly tell how and why I got here, but I can't imagine ever being some place else and doing something other than feeling awesome and enjoying the company of my own thoughts. I used to hate that time, because I had too many ghosts hunting me at all times. I used to call people and ask them to tell me all they did the week before just so I can escape my own thoughts. I am proud of me and my own Christmas gift. I am free of my own past. It is something I never thoughts would happen. Maybe I should have more faith in my own defence mechanisms.
Looking forward to the future without something pulling you back every damn time is like a whole new world with fresh air which enters my lungs and I no longer have trouble breathing. So I take a deep breath out of fear that it will turn out to be just a dream and yet here I am. I have no desire to go back, no need to write in codes and hide my thoughts from myself. I am 21 and the world is all mine. I have all the time in the world to write and be happy. Whenever I make such a statement something bad happens, but I am good at dealing with problems. I survived things I never thought I would. Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me who I am.

23 януари, 2014

Information overload

I haven't slept properly since maybe five days. My days go by in between the things I have to write today and planning the ones I have to write tomorrow. My hair is a mess, my bed as well, my mind needs me to stop and give it some time to recover from the information overload I am putting it through and I don't even have time to do that. This is me doing my best, so it comes with lots of issues. I love that word - issues!
Lately, I've been so hooked up on Uni stuff that I can't even sit in the bus and read a damn book. I just listen to the music coming from my headphones and try to keep my eyes open. Sleeping on the bus is not appropriate, no to mention comfortable. Well, depends who's sitting next to you I guess and will you invade their privacy by using them as a pillow.
I can't even say I enjoy all this. I mean, I do. I was born to do this. I don't mean the being tortured part. I mean the part where I do whatever it takes to get all things done. Complaining is part of the process, so thus the need to write, even if I still didn't have my breakfast and cappuccino. And I need to see people and have my mind torn from all the stupid stuff around me but I hope tomorrow will be that day. Well, so I can use the weekend for more studying and worrying, I guess.
I'm scared to actually say "is that all you've got"", because I've done so before and it turns out that I ain't seen nothing yet. Well, I have half an hour to eat and drink my cappuccino, so I better get going.

08 януари, 2014

thoughts at random

It doesn't hurt when I breathe the way it used to back when ghosts hunted me from the places I loved going to, including here. I have managed to get so indifferent towards my ghosts that the idea that it ever was a reason for me to not be able to breathe seems impossible. Yes, I know what it felt like but being twenty-one helps me see how I believed everything was now or never and it was all a blur of emotion, passion, rebellion if you'd like. One of the hard ways of finding myself. A dump in the road. A ghost. Well, ghosts help you remember where you came from and where it all began. All the mistakes, all the choices are simply lessons for me to learn. But here I keep talking about me and I never really what it was when I had to deal with someone else having ghosts of their own. Hell, that almost made me run once. But I stayed and fought and stood my ground. And it was his words about letting go of people who let go of us that made me erase the ghosts of my cellphone. Ghosts don't need to be bothered. They come as they please to remind you a lesson and disappear. At least mine do so every time I doubt anything.
You are something else entirely.
I don't mean it as a bad thing, by no means. I am simply once again reminded of how much of a mystery you still are to me. Probably the lack of sleep has something to do with my weird thoughts and the fear of it all slipping through my fingers. I can't blame anyone for having ghosts just like I have. But that doesn't mean I like it, because I know how mine love to mess with my head. And I don't need to see them every once in a while just to see that things are okay. I truly don't. My ideas of escape now all seem stupid and childish. I don't run. I stay and fight. It might be what makes me weak but it makes me strong with every day that passes and I'm still here fighting.
And all this thanks to my mother who showed me this awesome movie about a bunny who ran away and thought it would solve all his problems. And it turned out that problems follow you no matter where you are. All you have to do is stay and deal with them and them laugh it all out with a friend.

05 януари, 2014

Happy Birthday to Me!

Me feels special and awesome on this most epic day of the year when me gets older. I'd like to believe I'm also growing up, becoming wiser, learning how to live my life in a better way and be better in general. It's been one hell of a year and I don't mean it in the good sense of the expression. But well, when things are hard, we learn to get over them and hopefully learn to survive. I already know how to do so, even if I doubt myself sometimes. Hell, I doubt almost everything I hear.
Yet, I feel awesome, because only when you go through hell and back, you know how much more you can do and to achieve even if it's hard and everything seems to be against you. The fire within me is burning, ready to burst out, the flames gently tickling me from the inside and making me smile for no obvious reason. But I know better, I have a lot to do this year and a lot to give. I have books to write and hopefully I will have the time to do so. I was born to do this after all. If anything defies me, that is my writing. It sets my limits, it sets me free, it speaks for me, it is silent, it takes me away, breaks me to pieces, puts me back together, breathes for me and drowns me within the depth of its many words, fighting for a chance to get out on the white paper.
I am fire and my writing is what controls me, soothes me, drives me insane to the point where I can no longer tell what is real and what is not. Writing will be the death of me and I cannot for the life of me imagine a death more sweet than that. Without my overdose of insanity and delusion I am not myself.
So yeah, it was supposed to be a post about me and it ended up a post about my writing and my inspiration... Which only proves that me and my writing - we cannot exist separately. And life would have been quite boring without all the voices in my head. Insanity may as well be the best thing that has ever happened to me and Teddy would understand it.

03 януари, 2014

2014 - here I come!

The first post of the year should be awesome and inspiring. I've started a few but failed to finished them due to being way too dark and twisty to inspire anyone, let alone myself. Tonight I'm finally happy and inspired and wanting the world again. Yep, it has a definition. I want to be better, to write more, read more and to believe in myself the way others do. I've speared the last year post with all conclusions for the year. Basically most of my wishes failed and the best things of last year all start with T - Teddy, Tita ... okay and Tosho.
So, this year... Will be awesome, because we are awesome. Whatever happens, I can deal with it. It might be hard, but I've been through hell already and at least my coffee will never get cold when I end up there. And to be fair, I've had enough of my past. I'm more eager to think about the future and hope it is good to me and the people I love.
By the end of the year I hope I will have read at least 60 books, will have finished writing my second one and will have had awesome memories to keep me warm in the next winter. Today is the last day for me to be 20, so as promised I will be cheerful and grateful for all the lessons learned and hopeful for what is right around the corner. It's a new year but I'm not all new. I'm my old loving self which writes more than it talks, reads and falls in love with characters and does her best to show her love for the people that are in her heart.
I wish you all a good year, happiness and may the odds be ever n your favor.