26 април, 2014

Familiar taste of poison

Yep, right on time Karma, thank you so much for this one day of peace, quiet and happiness that you managed to ruin as soon as midnight passed. I mean, is it all really that screwed up or am I making it that way? Just when things are starting to look bright and shiny again, there is another crack, another thing to torture me.
I am a prisoner of my own choices, I say to myself, as once again I choose most probably wrong. But this is my year of going through all the circles of hell until I can't possibly take any more. And sometimes I believe it's worth it. Other times I only see that you are trying to prove to other people from your past with me. But am I not doing the same? Only I am proving myself that as much efforts I put in, it will be worth it.
So I take once again the knife from my back and I give it back to you. I am all out of scars, but draw over the old ones. I'd gladly accept it all, as foolish as it may sound, because I don't run away and I don't hide.
Basically that is why I managed to stay awake for 24 hours, sleep only four afterwards, get up, realise how stupid this all is and how much I wish I'd wake up and it would have been a bad dream, then sleep again for one or two hours and then manage to survive a birthday party to a girl that I find closer and closer to me every time we talk about the stories we write and the ideas we have as it we saw it all happen and we are telling each other about our characters as if they are our friends and we were there with them. Well, that is kind of the story, but you need to be a writer to understand me. Otherwise you'll call me crazy and move on.
And on top of that, all her great ideas come to her in dreams and they are truly great. If only I could dream my ideas every night, I'd never want to wake up and I'd only sleep and wake up to write. Well, why even write it... I'd be blissfully distant from reality which at this point is the one thing I want and can't possibly have.

24 април, 2014

Happiness

The magic of a perfectly delivered presentation with my colleagues making my discussion awesome and good news on top of that. There is also magic in being home with the window open and rain falling outside. Then some more reading, some more inspiration and comfort.
If only all my days were that simple, I'd be the happiest girl in the world. Well, like I said, I'm enjoying anything that comes my way and I needed a day like this for a long time.
I am still after the idea of being a working girl and multitasking. Yet I'd pretty much love it if all I had to do every single day is read and deliver presentations like that.

randomly inspired

I am supposed to be rereading my presentation that I'll be delivering in less than two hours, and yet here I am, smelling my hot coffee and wanting to use my words and leave them here. I am going to need them for the presentation, but what I have to say is never supposed to be heard, just read. And there is something so inspiring to fill your Kindle with so much books, which is what I did last night. Now all I have to do is find the time to read them.
Apart from that I can hear alarms and stop signs all around me, because things are good and when things are good, it means something really bad is on the way. It could be that something changed for the better, but in my book, it is never the case. So I am just warning myself of the possibility of things going to hell yet again, which at this point should be scaring me a lot more. But I have books to write and read, so I am enjoying whatever comes my way and if things go to hell, then I will have things to write about. It's all about the experience... The writer in me loves being broken time and again.
Well, I will be rereading my presentation, because there's a panic attack to be dealt with if I don't. Yet another moment where I wish I could go forward in time where my presentation is already over and I'm breathing with relief and a smile on my face, glad that it is all over.
Have a great day despite the bad weather because there's a cup of coffee with your name on it somewhere, and a good book to lift your spirits if someone dares to piss you off. :)

21 април, 2014

we fear nothing

Give me the right soundtrack and I can rule the world. Not that I want to anyway.
I am in a good writing mood which hasn't been the case in longer that I can remember. It's just that my characters love waking me up with new ideas and on days like that I just can't resist the urge to get lost in the world of my own imagination. The right music is on and I can barely follow my own thoughts and all I can think of is how much I missed that feeling.
I am like an addict who's been kept in a cell for months and is now given the drug back. I'll be on the road again tomorrow and back to the regular lectures and homework in a few days and all I want to do is be here and write.
There's thing about me leaving some place. I love to leave everything back where it was, as if I've never been there. I guess it's easier most of the time to pretend things didn't happen and nothing changed. Well, it's my way of fixing things in a way. Of not leaving anything behind, of disappearing in a way.
I know I'm not allowed to go there and say stuff like that, but he'd take anywhere with him. Yes, he would. He did, he keeps doing so. I was never the problem, he was and it sort of gets me back to wanting to fix things and mostly people. Not that I would, I've had my fair share of hurting myself on the broken pieces of him. But my point is, my presence was never an issue back then. Rather my constant absence was. All the irony.
It wasn't really my home anyway. It never felt like home the way it did with other places. I never belonged here. The question is where do I belong? Well, I guess I'm still trying to figure that out since everything keeps turning into a mess the second I look away. Let the fun begin!

19 април, 2014

nothing stands in my way

Now that my ghosts are gone, I find myself fighting those of other people. My pleasant dreams are replaced by sleep deprivation, which has been a constant in my life and I am used to it, but not when nightmares go hand in hand with it. My mind is a blur of thoughts and I keep ignoring most of them, because I don't feel like thinking about every single thing all that much. I do what I want and I decide who gets my time and more importantly - who doesn't. Of course, I have some people in my life who believe my entire universe is built around them but I can't really fix every damn wrong thing in this world so hopefully, that will pass.
Other than that, my laziness is coming to an end and thanks to Teddy I'm starting to feel the weights of all my responsibilities again. I wish I was reading Mara Dyer again. The nightmares I had from her were bliss. The new ones, that are just another circle of hell for me, are purely based on all the stuff I refused to deal with or I didn't even want to admit they existed. Point for Karma, I guess.
I've been thinking that if you don't appreciate what you have now and look for something else, when you get it you will hardly appreciate it as well. It's just the way things are. You are either grateful and happy for all the things you have or you can never be happy and will always be looking for something even when you have everything you need.
I don't even feel like fighting for the things that belong to me any more. I feel like staying in bed all day, watching movies, reading books and desperately trying to escape all the ghosts.
Thank you, Vili for having all that faith in me. I wish I could see myself through your eyes more often.
And I've had a silent period again, because too much thinking makes me crazy and some doubts reappear, the ghosts visit me way too often and it's all a Halloween party of the madness in my own pretty little head. During the holidays I became lazy again, so I haven't done much of anything and there is a panic attack waiting for me the new few days when I realise how many thing I have to do. I know... I get whiny and I will blame it on the spring that refuses to come and kick winter's behind.
Also, I find myself missing the girls' nights that we've had and the going out every other night. And I was saying that I'm not the going-out type. Turns out I am only with the right people. Plus being out means I don't have time to think and be hunted by ghosts. And I've also made my point and managed to kick some people out of my life which I believe is for the best. It is my damn life and this is how I'm going to live it - happy, spontaneous mostly, drinking my cappuccino, reading my books, writing some and avoiding everything else that might cloud my perspective.
Oh, and I so miss Mara and Noah I might as well quit on everything and get lost in it all over again.

06 април, 2014

A while ago

Karma has a way of proving that there are more circles of hell than I have known of. Dysfunctional relationships are my speciality these days. My two weeks of being a lazy ass have now become four. Every other night I am out with friends or anywhere with friends and I don't feel like ever touching a textbook again. I'm sick of doing everything right and yet tonight of all nights when I could have done some damage myself, I preferred to be a good girl and invite friends over instead of going out. Because it was only fair.
It sucks when a nightmare comes to life. And it sucks even more when it keeps happening on a daily basis, as if I have no better things to do than deal with whatever else comes my way.
It's like ... Out there are all the things I want to do and I can almost imagine the girl I want to be, but while standing here, I can honestly say that I will not like myself all that much if I become that crazy version of myself again. It messes things up, it ruins everything that comes her way. And it ends up even more broken that the people that got hurt in the process. Yet, here I am thinking about it and regretting my sane choice.
Just when I start breathing again, things fall apart and I suddenly feel like packing as little clothes as possible and going far away from here. Away from my life, the way I made it, away from all the dysfunctional relationships in my life and all the nightmares, sleep deprivation and avoiding problems by creating new bad habits for myself. If only I had the courage to actually do so, it would have been a different story. Hell, I would have changed that story long time ago. I need peace and quiet. I need to be able to breathe and not have people walk over me or do stuff behind my back. And dare they be hypocritical and talk to me like nothing happened, I will not keep my mouth shut and I will not be nice at all. Because my life is too short to spend it around people who I don't really like. Not that I like myself all that much right now, but some day I will be brave.