28 юни, 2014

why do i feel lost when I'm finally finding myself

I can barely keep my eyes open, my thoughts are all over the place, because I don't really have the time to think everything through, but I keep doing this every day for more than a week now. My wishes come true without any warning and I'm happy, because I've been talking about the need to be a working girl for a long time and it's finally happening, but the timing is all wrong. Because I have exams, because my boyfriend thinks his job is way more important than everything and because I have to be able to be a few things at once in a really short time. I can do it, of course. I was born to do this, because I'm a capricorn, but that does not in any way mean that I don't desire the peece and quiet I used to have.
I have Asha to purr in my ear and keep me calm, at least. I've always know that I must learn to be on my own and not rely on anyone. Most days I'm even good at it, but after all the bad days I've had for his need of support and believing in him, the least he could do is not be so selfish. I never realised that if I have the world, the way I do now, I would find his presence to be a burden, not a reward. I keep being awesome and understanding when I don't have to be and I get nothing even close to that in return. Normally I wouldn't even care, except I must be learning that you can't keep giving yourself to others because you will eventually be left with nothing.
Yes, I am in a really great mood. It's been one hell of a week and I have a few more of those to come, so I will be avoiding this site for obvious reasons, but it's just too much. And I thought my post about my new job would be a happy one. Because I am happy. It's nice and interesting and I love it. But everything else breaks my spirit, as usual. If one thing is great, everything else falls apart.

18 юни, 2014

melancholy


There is some magic in coffee. It turns even the hardest mornings in a little bit of bliss. Not that my mornings are that hard, but I've learned to have my coffee with some milk to soften its taste like reading, writing and music soften the edges of the way my life is going. Yes, melancholy is all over me again! One of my favourite TV shows goes with the right song to match it. 

I still have a lot of things to do, a job to find, exams to take and hopefully pass. Asha is really the life behind it all, because if it wasn't for her biting me and chasing me around the room every now and then and then sleeping beside me like the cutest little thing she is, I would have gone insane. Well, more than I already am. I needed something new to inspire me. Who would know it will be grey and purring like its life depends on it. Seriously, she purrs all the time, even when she bites. 
And after I've had my bliss of coffee, playtime with Asha, listening to music and writing, I guess I better go hang out with the textbooks for a while if I want to pass my exam tomorrow. 

17 юни, 2014

finding my way back to myself

Pretending really does at least half the job. I have managed to lie even to myself that I am okay and breathing is easy when truly it hasn't been in a while. But I'm scared that all the other things are pretending too. Because if they weren't I wouldn't be having weird dreams and thoughts and stuff. I am telling myself that it's all I ever wanted, but it's not. I want greatness! I want the world!
Yes, I do. And that world is not you. You might be a part of it, but I want so much more it hurts to even think about it. I have so many things to do, and so many things I want to be doing, that I doubt I will be myself afterwards if I ever get where I want to get. But I guess that's exactly what I need - to have my own world and then think about all the pieces that combine to build it. That is when I will truly know what is real and what isn't. And as hard as it is, I am doing everything I can to keep myself together, because I know very well how much of a class act all of this is and how uncertain I am. 
I need my escape and I can't have it. Yes, other people love talking and being around other people so they can forget about their problems, but I don't. I love being able to think about things and I am perfectly comfortable with my thoughts as crazy as they may seem sometimes - it's a writing thing. And when I truly can't handle the craziness I can always drown it by rearing a good book, but I have exams coming up and there really isn't enough time to be reading books when I haven't even touched my textbooks. 
This therapy session is over and I better get it over with Syntax, so I can at least read or write a few chapters. 

10 юни, 2014

there's no fixing me

Пак чернови до скъсване. Започвам да сглобявам, макар да ме чака писане на план на урок и учене на думи, but I feel like writing.
After two weeks of craziness it turns out I have lots of things to write about and not enough time or words to do so. Well, I've been wondering what it would be like. Не бяха две, а поне месец. Просто все така ми се случва - затишие за няколко дни и после ми разказват играта из основи. Да, чудя се какво ли би било. Чудя се с повод и без. Чудех се. I was tempted, I admit. And I had friends telling me I can't do it. But I've decided I can and it's not worth it. Not right now, anyway. I have too many sins to add this one to the pile. I'm going to hell on the express train... lalala. And I just love it when subconscious plays games on me in my sleep. Of all the people I could possibly be kissing in a dream, he would never cross my mind. Not because it wasn't fun being together and because I had no feelings for him, because I did, but... I never missed him. Not in that hard to breathe because he's not around way.
Просто се чудя... И умът ми е разпилян назад по пътя с белите линии, между нюанси на синьо и ярко розово... Знаех си, че не трябваше пак за започвам да гледам Чък и Блеър, защото ще ми дойде в повече. Прекалено са прекрасни и ме карат да се чувствам незначителна. Да, аз съм Блеър, ако говорим за сила, усилия, повреденост, но моя Чък ... yeah, not what I want to write about. Поне не сега. Все се случва случайно да съм в търсене на призрак от миналото, приличащ на мен. Или аз приличам на него, ако трябва да е по-правилно казано. Любопитството...
Забравих! Вече съм горда собственичка на бебе коте на име Аша! Прекрасна и пеплява на цвят като името си, сега лежи до мен и спи доволно. Щастието било да пишеш и малка топка косми да те топли дори в топлите дни. Искам да се разлея по белите листи, докато не остане и частица емоция в мен. Прекалено е много и не мога да го побера в думи. 
Благодаря! Ако не беше ми доказал колко права съм за теб след проблясъка на разговори в минало време и моменти, когато като по чудо имах теб, сега щях да съм ного тъжна. А съм малко тъжна. Защото все още я има проклетата нишка по някакъв странен начин и си мисля, че беше кретен умишлено. Там ми е грешката. Things should be good. They are, but I'm not. Because he called, and because I answered, and because of all the weird dreams and because I've been holding on for so long that I can't tell if things are okay or if I made them be okay. And if I let go, will they remain or will they come crushing down on me?!