25 юли, 2014

Ave Atque Vale

It's over. And I don't need to be reminded how to breathe. My circles of hell have become countless till I finally realised that I have been holding on to a dream that I have created myself. You can't love someone for the both of you. Even if you can, you shouldn't.
And I finally had a night without nightmares of drowning and fighting and when I woke up my head wasn't full of thoughts but I only wanted to sleep some more. There is nothing left to say or think about. I have become the ocean that kept drowning me for months now and I am washing away all the scars with the taste of salt water all over my skin so I can heal faster and become myself again. The self I love and adore for her craziness and wildness. The self that is never afraid. Well, that will take time. Because there are ghosts around of what it should have been and how could I have fixed it. Truth is I never had the chance because I was not enough. I was never what I should have been but that is not my fault. I never fooled anyone about being something more than myself.
In all honesty, my world does feel like it's falling apart, but it has been like that for the past couple of months and for once it feels like it's for the best. Like there is still hope for me out there. Hope for my broken self and all the craziness.
I was just about to start crying all over again about everything I've lost and then I realised what I was getting - my life back. My choices are all for myself, my actions can't possibly hurt anyone and I can be as bitter and as awesome as I want and no one can say a thing about it, because I am nobody's and no one is mine. I have always dreamt of belonging but for once it feels wrong.
And I have the most adorable friends in the world for their support and for sharing our idiocy when I feel sad because it helps and I no longer feel sad. I feel light. I breathe, I feel, I may cry sometimes but it will be for me, not for us. And I actually want to cry it all out and to have nothing to come back to and no ghosts to hunt me.
Yes, there will be places I will never go to again or I will but very rarely and only with friends. And there will be songs that I love but will never hear because they will bring tears to my eyes. There will be pictures, movies, little habits I never realised were there but will now be so painfully obvious with their absence. I am made of the things I have lost, indeed. And it all makes me stronger.
When you've been trying so hard to be your best self and you fail and lose, you feel like you should do something bad to deserve the pain and the loss but whatever you do will only hurt you more.
I thought waking up would be the hardest part but it is going to sleep. Because then it feels like a lie, all of it. Like a bad dream that I will wake up from any minute. But my reality was the nightmare. And the morning is clear, full of my cat purring and cuddling around me, making me realise that I am actually happy and I have everything I need even if I don't have you. Because I have my friends, my family, my writing and above all - myself. 

21 юли, 2014

worth savin me

I've had my coffee with some more reading about Fia and it's time for writing again, because then I will be on my way home and I am planning to have some rest and not think about things. 
The thing is, you don't even see what you've done to me so far. You blame those before for my lack of sanity and insecurity. Back then I never had nightmares like last night and every night before since such a long time ago that I don't even remember.
Back then it was all darkness with no dreams and I hated it, but now I want it back. I want to still believe people when they tell me thay care. I want to not be afraid that everything I do will be wrong. But that is my problem, not yours. Even if you are the reason why I am that way. I never said i'm easy to be around but I am doing my best and when it's never enough there's nothing I can do but die trying... Or walk away. What is sad is that I will be making you better. You will appreciate things more in the future if you lose me. And I will be still as scared with too much damage to be fixed. 
Seriously, can I have my darkness back?! 
Now I don't even want to talk and you never want to listen anyway. I knew that. I knew it will be that way but you promised. And yes, promises are meant to be broken. You even believe them when you say them, which makes things even more rediculous. You believe yourself when you say that you care. And then you say you have more important things to care and worry about than me. Yes, it makes all the sense in the world. Have your job and your friends and when they have girlfriends and no time for you do not call me. Because I have friends too and I make time for you. So we are back to the excuses. 
Okay, too much. I am leaving it all here with a pretty picture to take off the edge. But was my seeing you a sign or you not seeing me another? Yeah, I am always back to my happy thought because what else do I have to keep me going?!

20 юли, 2014

74-75

Was this supposed to be the sign? Fia finally listening to Annie and leaving James behind?!
I just finished reading "Perfect Lies" and it sure seemed like the sign I was talking about a few days ago. Sadly we only see the signs we want to when we are ready to see them so the fact that I am wondering is a progress but not a final step.
Is it weird that I like being around strangers. They are nice, they smile and wish you a good day. You don't know them and you can't in any way be involved in their drama which makes them the perfect company. I don't really feel like being around people who know me, because I may not be able to smile all that honestly. I feel like a fraud for some strange reason. As if I failed and now all I have to do is walk around in shame. 
I am in love with my past. Yes, I am. It had all those dreamers and sunshines in it. They were giving me their hope and wanting nothing in return. They were warming me up with their optimism and everything was easy and simple. Not that there was no drama back then, but the bigger you are, the messier everything is. 
It comes in waves... All the flashbacks of what it used to be like. And then the sad reality of what it is. Like when you looked at the pictures and laughed, because you didn't see us at first. There are things that you simply don't do or say to the people you care about, let alone love. 
I just now realise what I'm doing with all the writing. It's not healing myself or fixing myself in any way. It's finding my way towards the answer to it all and getting used to the idea of an ending where I wanted eternity. Because there is no such thing. I am long gone with all my hopefulness that things will get better, because even if they do, I never will. All the tape and the glue won't be able to make me forget the things I've heard and seen, the things I've had to live through only thanks to being so stupid as to let myself love so much. I shouldn't have. Even the writer in me is begging me to run away, start over and never look back.
There is no denying that I will miss this. There is no denying that sometimes I will hate myself for not being strong enough to get through it all. But then there will be times where I'd be glad I escaped when I did, because there will be someone who will hold me for hours listening to all the stupid things I have to say and will love me for it. And coming to see me won't be annoying, the cat biting him will be one more thing he'd love (I hope) and I will never ever have to tell myself to be strong until I cry myself to sleep. 
No, not now. Not yet. But soon. And it will be okay. I won't be fighting someone else's ghosts, just my own as usual. I won't be holding on for myself and someone else and the holes within my soul won't hurt that bad. And the thought doesn't even make me want to cry anymore, I am the ocean. I am the waves and the fire and I will burn bridges and drown meadows the way I was burned and drowned so many nights in my sleep. 
I say I never leave and never walk away, that I am the one to stay, but is it worth it?! To watch people come and go and to not even be able to make them stop?! I don't want to stay anymore. I want to be moving, coming and going and never staying. I am myself the most when I write and when I love, but why should I be when... Sorry ever after...

this is not the scene of a crime

There is something quite adorable about getting up when the air outside is still cold and the sun has barely risen behind the pink clouds, coloured gently by its light. I was never a morning person (ignoring a certain week for the purpose of this statement), so I just now find the beauty of it. If only I had slept more than six hours I probably would have loved it even more. Sunday used to be a familly day and we would go somewhere and enjoy being a family. Then Sunday was turned into a day of goodbyes after a long night. But it still felt like a family day. Now I use past tense, because I don't feel like being a family with anyone. I am doing my own thing and I am twenty-one. I have awesome friends and awesome parents. I know who I am and who I want to be. I know what I want to do with my life. That is quite something and yet I feel like I have nothing when the day is over and I home and my cat knows it better than I do. She won't even try to annoy me as usual. She will just come and hit my hand with her paw and then will make this cute furstrated sound and will find something better to do than eat my hand. 
I thought it would be worth it. If you ask me again I probably won't do it. I regret being quite fast to decide the important stuff but it's not like I can call myself back in the past and tell myself not to do things. She wouldn't listen anyway. It's not even regret, just knowing. 
I used to be begging to have dreams back then. I would be imagining stories as usual and be mad in the morning when all I saw in my sleep was darkness and nothing else. Nightmares were a rare annual ocassion as well, appearing once or twise a year just for show. And I would wish so hard to dream. Now that I do and that I've drowned so many times in my sleep, I so don't want anymore dreams or nightmares. I'm sick of dark nights and big waves crushing into me. I want peace and quiet like right now. I don't even feel like turning on my music, even though the machines in my workplace are quite annoying if you are not used to them. I am, thankfully. I am once again reminded of Grey's anatomy when Derek said he loved the quiet. And me writing and having the time and inspiration to do so is awesome. Now all I have to do is also start writing my damn book, because I really want to get to the fifth part and that can only happen by writing the ones before it. 
I still want the world and I am pretty sure the answers to the three questions would be quite different now. But before that I have Fia and James to make me forget everything about nightmares and reality. 
If the storm is passing and everything is going back to normal, why do I feel like looking for a storm and standing in the rain?

used-to-be

My mind has been on overdrive for the last couple of weeks and it finally found its own escape in making me experience a little too realistic book scenes while I am supposed to be doing something else. It is always the case. Writing and inspiration find their way in to my messed up brain and my insanity overwhelms me. Not that I mind. It feels so much better to be lost in a story rather than lost in the circles of hell that my reality has provided for me.
I want to be watching the fireworks with a wild smile on my face and for someone else to be enjoying my craziness for fireworks. I want to laugh and read quotes out loud and not feel like the crazy person I am because this is good inspiring crazy. I want to read and discuss the same books and not turn it into a technical thing by looking for the history behind but for the story itself. I want to be dancing in the rain and smiling like I have nothing in the world to care about but this exact moment of happiness.
This was using you to fulfil whatever the hell my insanity needed. It felt easy where it hurt before. It still hurts every now and then but I am slowly learning to ignore it, cut it off and pretend I don't feel a thing until the lie starts to feel so real I no longer remember lying to myself.

17 юли, 2014

that's what I get

You are saying you're here and I am telling you that I am too, but sometimes I don't want to be. It is true. Sometimes, more often that before, I find myself wondering about what it would be like. And I so much like the idea of him that I feel like a criminal caugth on the crime scene with no way to escape. You are the one that kept hurting me till I was all out of scars and I am the one feeling like a sinner with a place in hell.
I tell you I want to sit outside in the night on a bench and talk and you laugh at me, because the idea seems rediculous. It isn't. And they all get it. Why can't you?! Why is it that I am sitting here waiting, I am waiting for something to happen, for a sign, for a final draw of blood and a final scar... And you don't even see that. You can't realise how finished I am, how broken. It's not going to go away until you don't stop with your stupid acts of friendship towards people who hardly care about you but somehow they are the ones you want. Yes, leaving will break my heart, but isn't it broken already?!
I was supposed to write a happy post about seeing someone yesterday while being with a very dear friend and I was actually sad to be home because I had fun. I haven't had so much fun in a while, like I did these past few days and it had all been with friends - old and new.
Honestly, I am not sure what scares me more - being alone or being without you. Which should be telling me something but I am still proving that despite all the crap we can do it. And I realise we only made it this far because I wouldn't let go for so long. 
But proving that I am never brave enough, I will keep reading my awesome book and will wait for a sign until I get sick of it all and make one myself. Because I never run away but maybe I should learn to. 

decisions, decisions...

Teddy had a birthday and took us to the most heavenly place on earth! And there were games, and drinking and fun and food and all the loveliness possible! I am finally happy. Did I mention I have awesome friends!? Yep, plural. Each and every one of them is awesome in their own personal special way and I am glad and lucky to have them. And none of them likes you, which should tell me something. 
Every single thing we do feels like a goodbye and I am trying to remember when was the last time I felt happy and in love and knowing that we belong together. I honestly have no idea when I got so okay with the other idea - that maybe we are not. Maybe it was all a lie, maybe we changed and maybe this is just a bad period. Whichever it is, I can hardly see things going back to normal. I can hardly see anything, really.
Sometimes I swear I live with a stranger. Other times I want it all - the good, the bad... I don't really think it's worth it. And you'd never take my arguments seriously anyway. 
But I am giving myself time to be happy this week and then I will decide if I should change something to actually be happy. 

12 юли, 2014

everything is wrong everytime

Get me drunk and watch my reality fall to pieces. Because then I will be painfully honest and will admit how I've been pretending to be okay just for the sake of maybe believing myself and being better eventually. Truth is, this will never be okay, no matter how many explanations you give, because it was a knife in my back the first time and it will keep being that from that point on. 
Okay, so I'm on four hours of sleep and I miss my fifth usual one but at least there were no nightmares that I remember. I made it! After five more hours I will be going to Teddy and there will be the beginning of a weekend to remember, I hope. And I will finally be away, which is all I want. Hopefully I didn't forget anything from the packing last night. And I just love how Asha listens to my ranting and then comes to purr and push her head into my arm so I can cuddle her. Love is having a cat, when that cat is in a cuddly mood. When she isn't she can be a real pain in the ass, but since she's got my temper, I guess I am okay with her biting me, as long as she comes to comfort me when I need it. 
I need a sign. Any sign that things will get better and they won't get that worse again. I need to be happy. Is it all that much to ask for?

11 юли, 2014

wasting away

When you're dreaming with a broken heart.
 The waking up is the hardest part.

I have so many quotes in my mind right now, that I could make a post with them only. But I won't. Because I have words of my own and francly that is the only thing I have for sure. Though they fail me as well at times. I am barely able to keep my eyes open and I have three more hours of work to go and then I have to pack some stuff and get ready for tomorrow because I will be getting up, going to work and then leaving for my awesome Teddy's birthday. I could use the break from reality. In fact, I find my mind wandering in places it shouldn't go just to find some hope, some comfort.
Yep, I wish I could take a break whenever I can. But it doesn't work that way. And maybe I should start giving up easily and run before I get like this - a shadow of the self I used to love. The thing is I am strong. And every time I break I get stronger, but I don't want to be. I want to be safe and happy. I want all the simple things, nothing epic. And I may be strong, but I am also stupid because a sane person would have run long time ago. But I am a writer, I live to bleed. I go to bed with stories and characters on my mind and waking up to reality truly is the hardest part. Which I guess is the reason my mind won't go to sleep for hours after I go to bed.
And the nightmares of drowning and big waves and dark water all over me keep making me want to drink coffee and not go to bed ever again!
I am not sure if I need you or just the presence of someone anymore. I don't deny all the things you've done, but I have done them too and I am still here. I am always here and you are telling me that the ones that are truly strong can handle everything for themselves. Sure, but it was never supposed to be that hard. I am glad Asha is there to purr in my ear and to try to lay in my lap and comfort me. They say cats understand when you are having a hard time. If it wasn't for her, I would have gone crazy if I hadn't already.
Well, I am a prisoner of my own choices once again. Yet here I am waiting... I am not even sure what for. I guess you are my sign that things will get better. I need a happy thing. I am not even sure I want what I have right now, because this is not the way I thought it would be. 
I need peace and quiet and a friendly conversation after midnight over a bottle of some strong alcohol and a rain outside, the way it will rain tonight. I need comfort and happiness from the simplicity of things. I need a new story, I need a fresh start and I need to know I am not the only one wanting things and giving it all. 
I want to be dancing in the rain, not hiding my tears in it. I want my skin to be hot so the raindrops feel like ice when they touch me. I want to not care at all that it's raining and to be so happy my face hurts from smiling. I want the world! And some sleep or coffee. I have to make it to tomorrow and it will all be okay (I hope).

09 юли, 2014

paper flowers

It sure as hell is awesome for my day to begin after no more than five hours of sleep and him waiting at the door till I am opening my work place. Yes, I do know your name. Of course I remember, since you are the one happy thing to cheer me up around. 
Well, I am a sinner and I know it. If Satan would take any human form it would be me everywhere, all the time. Nope, not even Satan, something worse. Anyway, you were right, mydear blue, if it was easy, we wouldn't have been the one to have to do it. 
Now I know why I have so many different thoughts all the time. Whenever I read a book, I become some of the characters, especially if it's first person narrative. I so perfectly capture the behaviour and act on it, that I later find myself amazed at how good it felt to be someone else. The perfect form of escape, especially if you don't have the time to write yourself and yet you need to forget about reality. 
It was the same when I left my number. My job may have managed to screw up my grades and my nervous system, but there are some benefits like boys coming all the time and smiling at you even though you do not look as pretty because of the lack of sleep and the lack of time to actually put some makeup on. Yeah, thoughts like that are dangerous. But damn you, Fia, for making me think like you. It's the new book I'm reading - 'Mind Games'. It affects my sanity like so many before. 'What sanity?!' you may ask. Well, that is a fair question. Sometimes I wonder myself if I am crazy because I write, or if I write because I'm crazy and I need to express my craziness and share it. 
And this job is all wrong. I mean... It has it's difficulties at times and some other things, but at the same time it feels right when people are happy and grateful for what you did for them. My headphones broke yesterday and I can't really enjoy my music, but at least for now I have time for writing. 
I could use a drink. I could use a lot with my recent bad luck and disappointments. And okay, I keep wondering about what ifs and wanting to deserve my place in hell if I hadn't already. It's this thing where bad things keep happening and I need to make something bad to deserve them. But you'd be a good thing in some parallel universe and I would be the bad thing that will ruin you. Like they ruined me. Writing is so entoxicating thatit makes me dizzy and confused. I want to know your story and if I do I will love you for I do not fall in love with people but with the stories behind them and broken things are beautiful, but why am I not if I am so broken? It sucks when you realise that you were able to fix someone but you got even more screwed up in fixing them and now there is no one to fix you. And they are like 'I didn't want you to do this and that, so what do you want from me now?' Fair enough. I don't want anything. Except something else to fix, some other story to hear and please above all, give me endless conversations of the ones shared over a few sips of a strong drink late at night when the words you were afraid of start falling off your lips and it's okay. Because in the dark no one would know how broken we are. I want to talk about the past, the future, the present, to rant about the daily troubles we've been through and to celebrate the happiness that comes after you share all your pain with someone, even a stranger and you suddenly feel light. 
I guess that is why I miss all my sunshine dreamy boys who kept saying that things will get better and that things are never really as bad as they seem. I need more people like that in my life. I need them - specifically. Oh well, who would know that after finally having what I wanted then, I would want what I used to have before. 
Is it really wrong to ask strangers if they like cats so that you can start a conversation and make them not strangers? After such a question I guess they'd run away, but still. Yeah, waking me up early has that weird effect of me thinking stupid things all the time. Why didn't I answer, damn it! Why didn't I say I like the name, or that I remember only the names of cute guys. Right?! Not creepy and stalkish at all! My minds is singing this!

rain on me

Who would know that my quitter of a boyfriend would be the one telling me not to give up since he loves giving up on things every now and then. Well, I am sleep deprived and even coffee can't make me function properly.
Oh how good it feels to see the weather reflecting my mood so perfectly. Please, be outside my dear people I hate, so you can get soaked in cold water and scared by the lightnings. There was never a time when I needed it to rain more than today, I guess. And it so did. Plus, the book I am reading in peace thanks to the storm outside is awesome. Oh, and yes. I can finally have some peace and quiet to read and not even listen to my music in order to escape reality. I love this reality. It rains so heavily and so perfectly, every single drop falling with thousand more in perfect synchrone.
Yeah, I know. There's been so much writing about the weather. There's even this psychological thing where a person reflects the weather and is sad when it's raining and happy when it's sunny. But the rain makes me happy, along with the wind and the lightning.

02 юли, 2014

name me a disaster

Women like me do not fall gracefully, 
we stumble over our spines, trip over 
our vowels, and collapse into your arms.

Our hearts are open books, 
Russian novels containing fifty pages
on the way your voice drifts across 
the telephone wires each night. 
Our hearts are first drafts,
unedited verses about each and every 
person we have ever loved: the stranger 
on the subway, the girl who gave us a balloon, 
the boy who stole our virginity 
but not our heart.

Women like me will love you from a distance
of a thousand syllables while laying in your bed,
we will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible,
and when we leave you will finally understand
why storms are named after people.