26 септември, 2014

kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

This is supposed to be the scary place. For everyone but me. This place is what saves me, mostly from myself and the ghosts I have managed to surround myself with. Because I am in the exact same room I was two months ago. I am sleeping in the same bed, I am wearing the same clothes, I am drinking from the same cup of coffee. But everything else is different. I have put my things on the empty places on the shelves, I have chosen the spot in the room where I've never been till now and I am slowly turning into someone new, who might just be strong enough to survive this and actually be happy again. And It's going to take a lot of fighting, mostly with my own ghosts and myself. It's going to take some drinking and caffeine and nicotine in my system. It's going to take long nights of thinking and writing. But I am happy to play my part, because at the end of the day all I have is who I am, right?! Well, that's the song saying. Of course, I have so much more - friends, boyfriend, family, writing. But when it's raining outside the way it used to rain over me for two years and when I am all alone with just myself and my thoughts, I have to be the one to push all the ghosts to rest and not craw in my bed every time a damn shadow of a memory crosses my mind.
It sucks. The fact that I don't want it all back but it makes me so sad that I kind of wish the nightmare never ended. It was my nightmare, I was used to it's ugliness and monsters. I am a bit masochistic that way - I pick the things that will break me and I try to fix them. As a result I am the one who needs fixing. September is almost over and the waiting is over too. All the things I wanted are real. But it's been one hell of a summer and I'd really love to feel steady on my own two feet again. "Grey's Anatomy" is certainly helping me have that. Because whenever my life sucks, I have Meredith and Christina and Alex to turn to and they never fail to bring out the tears and the realisation that life may suck, but we have our people and we are going to get through it all, no matter what happens. After all, it's my damn life. I owe no apology for how I chose to live it, because I am the one who was on the edge two months ago and he pulled me back from it in a way he will never know. They say life doesn't give you the people you want, but the people you need. I needed him more than I'd admit. I needed someone to believe that I can be whole and to not look at me as if I'm crazy. Which I am, but the way he looks at me... It's okay, you know. Everything I've done, all the dark places I've been to... It's all okay. 

21 септември, 2014

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

I am way too quiet, I know. When my life is a mess I avoid it all by writing. Well, used to, I guess. Now that I have realised that half my reality has been a lie and that my life came down crashing all over me, I feel like doing things and fixing things and doing everything right. 
Да, бавничко подреждам, след като позволявах твърде дълго да ми разхвърлят хаоса. Той си е мой - само аз мога да разхвърлям. Сега ме е страх и мисля твърде много. Правя крачка напред и после се връщам поне две назад, за да не стъпя на тънкия лед и да не завлека и теб със себе си. Ще ми се да се беше появил преди, а не след като света ми отиде по дяволите. Преди, а не след като спрях да мечтая  и преди, а не след като се отказах да преобръщам света заради разни хора, когато те не желаеха дори оценят усилията ми. Но може би тогава аз нямаше да оценя и да бъда внимателна и щяха да ме гонят призраци. Аз съм себе си, заради несбъднатите си илюзии и заради мъничките сбъднати мигове на вечност, траеща секунди. Колко иронично именно тези две противоположни истории да са онези, които са изградили мен, каквато съм сега. И някак тъжно, защото са разрушили онова, което си ти сега и което искрено се моля да не успея аз да разруша. 
Винаги получаваме онова, което искаме, когато вече сме прекалено изчерпани, за да му отдадем нужното внимание. Но отказвам да бъда по-малко себе си заради призраци и несбъднати вечности. Ще бъде трудно, но ще се науча отново за пореден път да не ме е страх. И няма да завися, а ще съм част. И не само от него, а от всичко прекрасно, което имам в живота си. 
И ми е щастливо. Не ми липсва той, а спомените и миговете, в които съм вярвала, че искам да траят цяла вечност. Тях ще си ги искам винаги, за да се удавя в собственото си щастие, защото съм си вярвала сама в него. Останалото ... Ми да, изводите бяха направени отдавна и просто трябваше да се изчерпам из основи и да съсипя каквото съм изградила, да го разруша из основи, за да започна отначало. Благодаря, че се оказа толкова далеч от представите ми. Сам не осъзнаваш колко по-лесно е всичко, когато се окаже, че е било измислица. И колко по-трудно би било, ако знаех, че съществува някой като теб, какъвто си те представях.
Септември ми минава в чакане на разни неща да се случат и те бавничко, едно подир друго, се случват. Сега остава да си взема Аша обратно и да се оправя с работата и света ще е мой. Глупаво, да. Той винаги е бил мой. Чака ме винаги да реша, че искам да го обгърна с ръце. Защото света за мен е любими хора, прекрасни приятели, хубави книги, горещо кафе, искрени усмивки, силна музика, вдъхновение за писане и дълги разговори под звездите. Какво повече мога да пожелая, след като имам всичко това?

11 септември, 2014

same old story ever told

Забелязваш ли как се променя историята?
Моите демони и кошмари внезапно се превръщат в твои. Измъчваш се за нещата, с които аз бях свикнала да живея и най-мазохистично си ги търсех при внезапна липса. Превръщам се в лошия герой на твоята история. Съсипала съм те, провалила съм те, отнела съм ти щастието и съм те превърнала в бледа версия на теб самия. Затова сега ме мразиш и ненавиждаш всички онези неща, които се кълнеше, че винаги ще обожаваш. Съмняваше се в мен и моите призраци от миналото, карайки и мен да се съмнявам, помниш ли? И обещаваше да си тук за всичко. Твоите обещания съм ти ги спазвала аз. Бях тук за хубавото и за лошото. Променях себе си, за да пасвам на онова, което трябваше да бъде и каквото ми липсваше от реалността си го създавах сама в ума си. 
И чаках, надявах се, молих, превърнах се в призрак на онази щастлива и обичлива мечтателка, която не ти обещава мечти, а ти ги сбъдва. Затова не давам най-доброто от себе си. Не, защото не е достатъчно, а защото не се оценя. 
Разбрах защо продължавам да искам да знам какво се случва. Не е заради навика или дори липсата. Не ми липсваш. Липсва ми човекът, който вярвах, че си. Но явно вече го няма или никога всъщност не го е имало. Правя го, за да покажа на себе си колко мога да греша за някого и да не позволявам това да се случи отново. Със закъснение уча урока си. А септември ми минава в чакане и системното повтаряне, че правя нещата, за да съм гадна. Единственото, което се правя е да се опитвам да дишам и да финкционирам поне относително правилно, но нека. Всеки си има нужда от зъл герой, за да си разкаже историята и да си измие ръцете. Аз ли? За мен лоши няма. Дори не те виня за каквото е било. Единствено за това в какво го превръщаш, след като вече е приключило. Но продължавай да променяш историята и да бъдеш героя в нея. Докато ти още си в тази история, аз съм започнала съвсем бавничко и старателно да изграждам нова - моята собствена. Където главни роли не се дават толкова лесно и решения се вземат след внимателно обмисляне. Докато не ми писне от многото мислене, разбира се! 
Две години от живота ми са били лъжа, а той излиза наранения. Всичките думи на света няма как да оправят това и да изяснят всичко. А и не искам да се изяснява. Направих достатъчно, дадох най-доброто от себе си и сега си тръгвам с усмивка, че съм оцеляла и с гордо вдигната глава, защото съм следвала сърцето си. И щом то е искало да стане на пух и прах - така е трябвало да стане. А ти дори не можеш да ме погледнеш в очите и да ми кажеш каквото и да било. Какво повече да кажа. Освен, че хората правят грешки, а аз си създавам бедствия. Поне вече съм свикнала и да си ги заличавам от себе си до колкото е възможно. Да, белезите са там. Но и от тях имам нужда, за да помня урока. 
Сега продължавам да чакам септември да мине и да обграждам себе си с положителни емоции и хора, които си струват. Вдъхновението се прокрадва навсякъде покрай мен и тръпне в очакване. Усмивката трудно ми слиза от лицето и продължавам с всеки ден да се убеждавам, че съм била влюбена повече в идеите си, отколкото в реалността. Благодарност на всички, които ми слушаха драмите и бяха до мен дори когато вършех глупости! 

07 септември, 2014

until it hurts

I am on overdrive and I'm scared of drinking coffee, for it might actually get worse if that is even possible. Like someone is holding a gun to my head and my thoughts are running with thousand miles per hour trying to figure out an escape plan as the trigger is being pilled and the bullet travels the very short distance towards me. And it's all in slow motion, because my mind isn't. 
How did I become the bad guy in the story of how he broke my heart and called me a bitch?! Why is it that I feel like saying stuff and why does it feel like ending all over again if it already ended?! 

You should have been gone long time ago. As in the moment you said you don't love me the same way, or when you tried to make me break up with you. I should have listened when the people who care about me told me to run and leave you behind but I held on because I had faith in whatever it all was. I had faith not just for me, but for you too. I defended you when I didn't have to, I protected you and I lied for you. All so you can hurt and lie to me. We pick our own medicine and it may kill us but at some point it was what we needed. I am letting go with the idea that it was a good thing and that we were just too young or too careless to handle it right. I am letting go and trying for the life of me to not lose the friendship we may have had and you are sitting there acting like the biggest jerk in the world and blaming me for it all. As if it's not enough that I am still barely breathing and functioning relatively properly only thanks to him. Weren't all the sleepless nights with you out enough or the lies and the sneak outs?! Was I not hurt enough? Are there any more circles of hell for me to walk over? 

I make no apology for how I chose to repair what you broke! And I will defend that statement because I owe you nothing. You can change the story and tell me facts are facts. You can tell me that I am only pretending to be the stronger one, but the fact is I am. Because I am the one trying desperately to move on while you still use the word "ours". I am the one who has been picking up pieces from wherever you left them, while keep throwing away new ones that I don't even remember giving you. Yeah, okay. This is not what strong is. Strong is not being able to talk to your ex in person?! Strong is telling her she deserves someone to appreciate her the way you never could and then hating her for it.
I didn't throw it all away over a week. I've been doing so for a while. I keep doing so. But I guess I've grown into faking the okay part so much that people don't question it as much. And it works. I'm still here and not throwing myself in front of a bus. I am breathing, writing, not crying. I am holding on to myself and to whatever might save me.
I am actually a bit glad you keep hurting me, to be honest. I am not sure if I would have moved on if it wasn't for that. You managed to break whatever hope I've had for you as a person and made it easier for me to realise how much I don't want to be around anymore. When that was all I wanted. 
Well, it's going to be a while till I get this hit all covered and handled but I will eventually. I hope. 
And my relationship status, not that it should be any of your consern, was never meant to disrespect whatever we had. But it feels wrong to be hiding the one thing that keeps you going. I am happy for the first time in a long time and the world might as well get used to it. 

02 септември, 2014

i've been called worse II

Eventually feels a lot different than actually. Well, not. It feels simply like something I should not have had thrown like that in my face, but the harder it is, the better the overdose of immunity that I'm gaining. It's not even that I care anymore. I just have bad habits when I care and I can't get rid of them all that fast and easily, no matter what. But I am slowly learning how to do the things I did with someone else all by myself now and there will be things I will never do, songs I will never hear and so on... But I guess it's true what they say about your brain. That when the pain becomes too much it blocks it all away, switches you off and doesn't allow you to feel all that much. It protects you from whatever is h
urting you to the point where you feel pain all over your entire body and you'd very much like for it all to end. And then it does, and when something disappears so suddenly when you were so used to the pain, you start aching for it, looking for it. I am masochistic that way. But I am learning to accept only what is good for me and I am slowly but steadily accepting reality and loving it.
But I mean seriously?! You call me a bitch after everything we've had? How am I the bad guy if I held on for so long when you were giving e so little? How am I the evil one for having someone find me and make me believe again even a little bit in magic and stuff? How dare you call me names, after you are the one who goes out, gets drunk, sleeps around and texts your ex before me?! You've lost the right to call me anything when you said you did it all for fun. And you've lost the right to hold me responsible for my actions when you kept writing to her for two months behind my back. In fact, I don't think calling me a bitch is so bad. I've been called worse, you know - try your girlfriend. Or whatever the hell I was. I'm not the one throwing the past so lightly away. You did that for me long time ago. I am just catching up and doing it my way. If that bothers you - here's the door. Hell, I can even hold it for you. No one asked you to stay. In fact, you should have left by now. So whatever I do, I do for me. Whatever habits I have, I will get rid of and if I never see your face again I'd be glad. 

01 септември, 2014

reverse of shades

Преди морето:
Днес става цял месец от епичният край на една вечност, не успяла да изтрае дори до половината на третата си година. А аз съм събрала възможно най-малко багаж и очаквам да приключа с работа, за да тръгна по белите линии към морето и блаженото спокойствие, което носи то. Да, като сме на морето мислим по-различно. Затова ще се постарая да излея себе си в думи по страниците възможно най-много и да разкарам от ума си лошите мисли. Заслужаваш повече от това да те плаша на всеки два дни и не трябва да го мисля, но е по-добре да го измисля сега, вместо да е така отново на всеки два дни.
След морето:
It feels good to have someone look at you as if you were never broken before. And then, to actually see how broken and damaged you truly are and to still want to stay around for all your craziness. Like I wrote a few days ago:
Good things don't come when you're ready for them. They come at the worst possible moment, sweep you off your feet, tell you to shut the fuck up and remind you how awesome your life can be.
I wasn't asking for him, I wasn't even looking and he found me. And I thought I am a black hole with no more strength to do anything for anyone but he makes me want to build castles again and tells me the things that I usually have to endlessly explain to other people. Maybe, just maybe, I have finally chosen the right thing and I can start fixing myself without breaking someone else to do it. Maybe it's even okay not to be normal and fixed. I am okay with being me, I love it here, I am grateful for all the lessons I have learnt and all the people that came in my life to teach me. Because I know what a good thing is, I know how to be careful with my own heart the way I can be careful with others and I the demons and monsters no longer bother me all that much. We live peacefully with each other and I love having them, for they remind me of how far from myself I can possibly go and how bad it all can hurt. No one said it would be easy, you know ... Letting go of things and being in peace with them. But I am. I am even grateful for how things ended. I am grateful for all my awesome friends who kept telling me I was better off way earlier but I needed this to end that way. I needed to waste away what was left of my ideas of eternity. Now that it's all gone, I am free.
Днес:
I cannot believe I actually said this place is full of demons and monsters, but it might as well be. It carries the ghosts of who I used to be, of who was around and who vanished as soon as another day came. This place carries the darkest places of my soul and I said I'd never lie to him because I need him to be scared and run away, but I no longer want that. The death of me he will be.
Well, I will not be showing him this place. Because it scares me sometimes too much and I can only imagine what it will do to him. I am cleaning up the mess all around and I'd usually sit on the floor and cry over what is lost but considering that half of it if not more was what I imagined it to be, I can't cry any more. I can simply look at the last year's final post which I did not publish and remind myself why I am better off. Not that I don't know. And yes, the illusion is tempting and I've always been a dreamer in love with her fairytales. But the point is to be happy. And I was never as happy as I am now. Which was the reason why I didn't want to keep it a secret and deny it any more. I have doubts, mostly in my own broken self, but I always do, because things around me tend to fail more often than I'd like them to.
It's not fixing ... It's rebuilding. For I have given myself away and now I need to gather what is left and build what isn't all over again. I can say I'm sorry, but I'd do it all over again, because I needed it to be this way, so I can grow up and learn and never make the same mistakes again. So I owe no apology for finding a way to fix things and I owe no apology for deciding how to live my life. How people handle it can't possibly be my problem, since they weren't here to live through it all.