15 октомври, 2014

it's my story, you're just one part of so many others

I've always wanted a life that burns a bit too bright. I never consider the fact that it will burn me as well. But writing never comes from happiness. When I'm happy I visit this place like once a month. Not that I always write when I'm not happy, but some things take time to become words. But that is why I enjoy the torture and desire some more. I go above and beyond. When things are hard I make them even harder. I try over and over again. I need to learn the hard way. I need it to hurt so bad that I can barely breathe, let alone move. I need the air to not be enough, I need to drown in my sleep. Because that is how I learn to survive and that is how my stories are real. I am real. 
Even if it was because of you, it was about me and what I can do and what I can handle. And yes, my efforts are sometimes pointless and wasted away, but they were still my efforts and the fact that I can do so much with so little means that I can't do anything, I can do everything!
And yes, it is all very very sad sometimes. It makes me want to stay in bad for the rest of my life and never ever go out. But then the day is over and what hurts and breaks me turns into yet another story that fills my emptiness. You know what, go ahead. Blame me some more, hurt me, break me. It will all be for my benefit when I write the best book in the world. And not because of you, but because I will have managed to turn all the bad things that you've done to me into something as awesome and perfect as words on paper. 

letting it go

I almost said it. It's been a while now since I feel the need to say stupid things and then I get scared or insecure. Because I should not be able to feel that way anymore. Or it might be my mind playing games. But what is important and special about tonight is that I want to actually feel this way. I want to be head over heels, I want to be over the moon about it, I want to forget how to be scared and to not think but simply feel. I don't want it to be temporary, till I am somewhat fixed, but for much longer.
I hate this. I hate what I've become. I had wings. I was fire. I was so many things. I did so many things. Things that I never thought possible. I fought, I swam, I tried over and over.
Truth is you can't truly be happy until you let go of what's holding you back. You can't enjoy the present and be hopeful about the future if you are still looking at the past.
He never really said hello. He kept looking back, waiting for the past to come and take him, waiting for it to happen all over again. And I kept waiting for the opposite. For the present to hit his head and for him to say goodbye to what it had been and hello to what it is. 
I am a mess, as you've already figured out. My boy (that feels so good to write) is awesome and thinks I'm awesome too. I'm not. I can't possibly be, with all the invisible scars on my skin... and the visible ones. But somehow I want to be. I want to be the fire, I want to believe, to dream, to hope and to not give up on him and mostly on myself. I felt like giving up so many times before on people who never deserved it and cared. And I gave up on myself because of them, I forgot how to put myself first, how to be careful with my own heart. But that's okay. Because I will not be like you. I will not let that one thing to define me. I will survive, like I always do. I got over him, so I can also give up on all the hopes and dreams I've had about us and the idea of you that I loved so much. Mostly because it's not real. And no, you don't talk like that about the people you cared about, you don't blame them for your own mistakes. But it's what you do - you feel the need to walk all over me and what we had so it becomes unimportant. That is how you feel. But not me. I matter. My feelings matter. Everything I did mattered. And I will keep my head high and will remember all the things I got out of those two years. While you can take all the hate and drama. See, we don't even need the paper to separate what we've had. Thank you for teaching me love someone who is not giving you anything to love. Imagine how I can love someone who will love me back the way I deserve, like you wanted. Thanks for being the idiot who broke my heart so I don't break yours. That one was lovely. And above all thanks for all the lessons I've learnt and I have yet to learn from our relationship. 
My future awaits me, my present adores me and I am yet to realise how great my life is, in spite what I've been through. And I still have dark days where I go back to old habits but on the bright days I know that I can do so much more, I can be so much better than before and just for me this time. 
I didn't drown this time. I dreamt of big dark waves coming and I was running towards them and I ended up on a bridge above them and they were still too little and too far. I will no longer drown. I will keep reminding myself why I need to stay away and it will hurt, but I need to learn and that is the only way. And when I'm done learning, I will be free of the prison I created for myself. 

06 октомври, 2014

dead inside

Hello, my dear scary place!
Outside is still so dark that I feel like never getting out of bed. Well, I will have time to do that, considering that my mom won again and I had to give up my job. Next week is my last and I was a bit sad about it, but I will find something not so time-consuming. After all, the goal is to have time for writing and books. I am just a bit pissed that I also gave Asha up just like mom wanted, but I do believe she will be better with all the other cats at home than with me and my craziness here.

I miss the nightmares of drowning. They disappeared so suddenly.

And then I drowned...
I need this to be over and for me to forget it all. I know I'm all for remembering all the good and the bad for the happiness I felt and for the lessons I've learned, but I can't live in a world where the one thing that was keeping me together turned into the thing that broke me so much that...
That as someone with too many issues, I turned to the scariest ways of escaping it all. 
I drown in my sleep over and over again and that is when I actually feel something. The rest of the time is all on the simple functioning from one day to the other basis, with some exceptions that can barely measure up to the feeling of emptiness and numbness. 
It should hurt me. My hands should be burning from touching things and I should actually feel pain where I was once touched. But I barely feel anything. And if I actually force it, all the memories, all the thoughts, all the words I could have said, I'd drown for sure. 
I'm not sad, I'm not happy... I am existing. In a very basic way. 
Ще минат малко повече, за да се науча да ценя това, което имам сега. И него може тогава да го няма. Защото давам най-доброто от себе си да се поправя, а се връщам към предишни начини за спряване с проблемите, които водят единствено до нови проблеми. 
But hey, it's what I do. I mess things up as if they are not messy enough. I will figure it out, someday. Until then there are plenty of things to fix me. What's worse is I've been in hell for so long that I love the torture. I love it so much that when it's not there, I create it for myself. Or my mind does.