31 декември, 2014

2014 става 2015 xD

Нямам ни най-малко търпение годината да свърши, но все още имам какво да кажа в старата. Плановете се провалят, хората ни предават или си отиват, ние самите се предаваме и проваляме доста често. Но всичко, което ни се случва ни прави тези, които сме в този миг. Затова през новата година ще бъда старото себе си. Ще обичам малко повече, отколкото би трябвало, ще се надявам, когато надежда няма, ще давам шансове, когато не са ми останали такива и ще оставя объркания ми живот сам да се подреди. Опитвах да го подредя цяла година, а явно е трябвало просто да седна и да му дам шанс. 
Имах план за изпращането на тази година. Имах много планове и за новата, а всички те изчезнаха с лека ръка, защото през старата година съм дала твърде много от себе си. Fuck it! I just wanna see the fireworks. Мога да продължа да мисля за всичко или мога да се насладя на новите планове със семейството ми. От мислене се побърках, така че сега ще пробвам забавлението. 
Дори не смея да се надявам и да правя планове. Каквото има да става ще стане. Ще го мисля като му дойде времето. Не искам дори да казвам, че след тази година по-лоша няма да има, защото съдбата винаги ме изненадва. Просто... Изпратете подобаващо старата година, пийте  по едно за мен и ви пожелавам 2015 да е прекрасна!

all of 2014

January:
Tonight I'm finally happy and inspired and wanting the world again. Yep, it has a definition. I want to be better, to write more, read more and to believe in myself the way others do.
But well, when things are hard, we learn to get over them and hopefully learn to survive.
Writing will be the death of me and I cannot for the life of me imagine a death more sweet than that.
And it turned out that problems follow you no matter where you are. All you have to do is stay and deal with them and them laugh it all out with a friend.
I'm scared to actually say "is that all you've got"", because I've done so before and it turns out that I ain't seen nothing yet.
Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me who I am.
As Meredith says : What's that saying... Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.
This is how I remind me of what I really am. Not you. Not anyone.
My life is too short and I should not have to be surrounded by idiots if I can help it. It's as simple as that.

February:
What if I'm a princess on another planet? And no one on this planet know it?
Broken characters are my favourite. And Jem is my only exception.
That is what I always do - look for things that are broken, so they can break me as well and I can feel again.
Thank you for breaking me, so I can be perfect for the one who made me whole again. Well, as whole as I can possibly.
I am so living in the world of fiction once this exam session is over. And I am never getting out.
Why does it feel like we are always on the edge of something but never quite there?
And I never said I can change the world with my words. But since they are all I have, I might as well try, right?!
You write so beautifully, you must be so broken up inside.
And just today I've realised I am because all the things that once broke me in pieces now are my reason to smile and keep breathing.
People need to find their own people and leave my person alone!
But I was born to do this, I guess... Working hard, being great, doing my best.
And the more I see, the less I like...
What do you do, when the person you count on the most turns out to be the one constantly stabbing you in the back?
I have no more scars for you.
What is it that makes everyone that comes my way to break my heart and make me unable to function properly?
It's just the way my life has always been. Always this close to something and never truly close enough.
Faith and "meant to be" only got us so far.
But I keep giving chances to the people who deserve it the least.

March:
Only writers can appreciate all the shit that are happening in their life and remember every damn thing, trying to fully experience it, in order to write it down and heal themselves in the process.

April:
You are either grateful and happy for all the things you have or you can never be happy and will always be looking for something even when you have everything you need.
But my point is, my presence was never an issue back then. Rather my constant absence was. All the irony.
The writer in me loves being broken time and again.
“I wanna make love to your soul, that’s how deep I wanna go.”
"If I held a pistol to your head, James, and pulled the trigger, would it really matter if I did not know that there were no bullets in the chambers?" - Will Herondale

May:
But still, missing someone for who he is is way harder than missing someone for who you want and picture him to be.
I will forever be haunted by my own doings because I somehow managed to create my own personal hell right here on earth. And I deserve it all.

June:
Щастието било да пишеш и малка топка косми да те топли дори в топлите дни.
Искам да се разлея по белите листи, докато не остане и частица емоция в мен.
I want the world! Yes, I do. And that world is not you.
I never realised that if I have the world, the way I do now, I would find his presence to be a burden, not a reward.

July:
we will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible,
and when we leave you will finally understand
why storms are named after people.
Sometimes I wonder myself if I am crazy because I write, or if I write because I'm crazy and I need to express my craziness and share it.
It's this thing where bad things keep happening and I need to make something bad to deserve them.
Because in the dark no one would know how broken we are.
Oh well, who would know that after finally having what I wanted then, I would want what I used to have before.
But I am a writer, I live to bleed.
I am not sure if I need you or just the presence of someone anymore.
Love is having a cat, when that cat is in a cuddly mood.
Every single thing we do feels like a goodbye and I am trying to remember when was the last time I felt happy and in love and knowing that we belong together.
You are saying you're here and I am telling you that I am too, but sometimes I don't want to be.
You can't realise how finished I am, how broken.
Yes, leaving will break my heart, but isn't it broken already?!
Because I never run away but maybe I should learn to.
I want to be watching the fireworks with a wild smile on my face and for someone else to be enjoying my craziness for fireworks. I want to be dancing in the rain and smiling like I have nothing in the world to care about but this exact moment of happiness.
If the storm is passing and everything is going back to normal, why do I feel like looking for a storm and standing in the rain?
Sadly we only see the signs we want to when we are ready to see them...
but the bigger you are, the messier everything is.
 It comes in waves... All the flashbacks of what it used to be like. And then the sad reality of what it is.
All the tape and the glue won't be able to make me forget the things I've heard and seen, the things I've had to live through only thanks to being so stupid as to let myself love so much. I shouldn't have. Even the writer in me is begging me to run away, start over and never look back.
I am the ocean. I am the waves and the fire and I will burn bridges and drown meadows the way I was burned and drowned so many nights in my sleep.
You can't love someone for the both of you. Even if you can, you shouldn't.
I can be as bitter and as awesome as I want and no one can say a thing about it, because I am nobody's and no one is mine.

August:
And the tears come and I feel like screaming but nothing comes, because I am short of breath and it hurts all over as if I will simply stop being any second.
Yep, there is nothing like art to fix a broken heart.
I am no good for you and no good for anyone right now, which is why I should not be standing all that close to you and you should be running.
Because hearts once broken can never be replaced or properly fixed and will always have sharp edges here and there and what they are good for is to break others.
I don't need peace and quiet and understanding but for someone to tell me to shut the hell up, stop thinking and start doing. Scream, kick, throw things, break things ... That's fixing.
If I am going to be broken, I will make sure I deserve it.
Of everything I've lost, I miss myself the most...
Damn you! Damn you and your music and your magic. Damn your lips and damn your touch.
I can play games and lie till the lie becomes me. I don't want to. I don't need to. Because I need you to be scared.
Because what doesn't kill you sure as hell fucks you up for good.
I am the ocean, I am nothing. Nothing can ever be enough for me. I want flames, I want waves, I want the storm and I want the calm after it.
When the truth is, you only ever have yourself. And that should be enough. Will be enough!
I need to be myself, to be free, and to be on my own, before I can belong again.
Пръстите ми чертаят думи по кожата ти. Имат нужда да държат някого силно, за да може този някого да държи мен, за да не се разпадна из основи.
"Нещо толкова просто като "Може би трябва да си останем приятели" се превръща в парче стъкло, което си проправя път към сърцето ти.. и боли."

September:
It feels good to have someone look at you as if you were never broken before. And then, to actually see how broken and damaged you truly are and to still want to stay around for all your craziness.
Good things don't come when you're ready for them. They come at the worst possible moment, sweep you off your feet, tell you to shut the fuck up and remind you how awesome your life can be.
Eventually feels a lot different than actually.
How did I become the bad guy in the story of how he broke my heart and called me a bitch?!
We pick our own medicine and it may kill us but at some point it was what we needed.
I am happy for the first time in a long time and the world might as well get used to it.
И обещаваше да си тук за всичко. Твоите обещания съм ти ги спазвала аз.
Винаги получаваме онова, което искаме, когато вече сме прекалено изчерпани, за да му отдадем нужното внимание.
Защото света за мен е любими хора, прекрасни приятели, хубави книги, горещо кафе, искрени усмивки, силна музика, вдъхновение за писане и дълги разговори под звездите. Какво повече мога да пожелая, след като имам всичко това?
"I'll survive. Somehow I always do."
But when it's raining outside the way it used to rain over me for two years and when I am all alone with just myself and my thoughts, I have to be the one to push all the ghosts to rest and not craw in my bed every time a damn shadow of a memory crosses my mind.
Which I am, but the way he looks at me... It's okay, you know. Everything I've done, all the dark places I've been to... It's all okay.

October:
I'm not sad, I'm not happy... I am existing. In a very basic way.
He never really said hello. He kept looking back, waiting for the past to come and take him, waiting for it to happen all over again.

November:
Why I tried so hard? Why I fought and hoped against hope? Why I let you drag me trough all the possible circles of hell and even create some new ones for me? Because I believed it was my fairytale. Because I am a dreamer and I am the kind of person who'd be here for all your crappy moods and periods and who'd forgive you all your craziness. Because I don't give up on people all that easily and I give them all the chances I have in the world, even if it breaks me.
And Callie is right: "But no matter how hard we try we have to realise that some things just can't be fixed."
And there is no beauty in goodbye. There are only all your hopes and dreams burning. The goodbye itself is never beautiful. It goes with lots of tears and screaming, begging.
The beauty is in surviving. And I, for one, will do my best to make it.
I am broken, yes. He is giving me the world and I can't for the life of me bring myself to care.
"You'd lose your mind trying to understand mine."
Plus, I'm happy. Can we keep it that way for a few days at least?
The things that never were shaped me and my choices.
I am the girl that fights even when the odds are not in her favour. I am the girl that lives in the storm and hates the quiet, unless it's after midnight and I have a story that is begging me to write it.
I'll be both the best and the worst thing that ever happened to him. Well, let's face it now - I am.
"Your thoughts kill you, don't they?"
I want to have the bad times, so I can also have the good ones.
Well, that's life, I guess. Some people passing through your life only to leave a mess behind.
But there were times when things were so great, I wanted them to last not for a lifetime, but for many more. And then there were times when I thought my chest would finally break or I'd go completely insane from all the dark thoughts and things happening
And how exactly do I handle the fact that we are strangers who have so much memories it kills me to want them gone? How do I let go of all that I believed would be my future?
Just because I know what my problem is, doesn't mean I can solve it.
"Той е онова усещане, което ти праща здравия разум по дяволите, сърцето в стомаха и задръжките разхвърляни по пода."
And for the life of me, I can't help but feel both broken and alive again. Yep, there goes my theory that what is killing us is also making us feel more alive in its own sick and twisted way.
You, on the other hand make me want to hit you and kiss you in the same time. You make me want to torture you and whisper things in a low voice, while being oh, so close to you.
As if I wasn't insane enough before, now my insanity has your name.
I may not love you any more, but I don't love you any less either.
"Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you are stupud and make bad decisions."
"You drink about it, smoke about it, don't talk about it."
Do you miss me while you are out there looking for yourself?
We are all dominos falling for each other.
It's like you know the morning after that you are going to regret something. But you also know that if you don't give it a try, you will be wondering for the rest of your life.
The waking up isn't the hardest part, when your heart is broken. It's everything else.
So I fake normal and have yet another day of pretending to be okay and dying on the inside.
You know, it's one thing to know you're completely and permanently fucked up and another to actually feel it. I felt it a week ago. And I've been feeling it ever since. The moment he held me and I whispered through tears: "You're still you?", knowing the answer myself. He was. He was his old self, the old self I fell for.
It sucks when the one thing that can truly fix you is the thing breaking what is left of you.
I want to scream and burn things and call you at 4 in the morning and tell you every curse word I know and then to pathetically beg for you to come.
He is my north.

December:
I'm in chains, I realised. I've chained myself with choices, mistakes, thoughts, ideas, future that may not really belong to me.
But I am calm as I let him kiss the scars on my skin. Scars that he made himself and yet they seem to disappear under his gentle touch.
But you can't really ruin a person, can you? I realise now that we are all broken one way or the other.
The thing is, there are people who wake up those demons and others who lay them to sleep. You did both.
Which is why I am willing to go through heaven and hell with you, if that's what you want me to.
Не искам да познавам никой и не искам никой да познава мен. Не искам и себе си да познавам, доста често.
I love how people can screw up my life from distance. As always!
We are both still in that storm, aren't we? Our storm.
I am the one who brings comfort with my words, you do it for me with your presence.
It's just that we can be extraordinary together, rather than ordinary apart.
If you're going to love me, love me deeply. If you're going to break my heart, then break it all.
Of all the thing I love, him sleeping while I'm holding him and his hands are wrapped around me is the best possible feeling in the world.
It's such a scary feeling to realise that one person still holds your whole world in his hands and can either make it or break it with one single movement. It's horrible, isn't it? When you realise that you can go through both heaven and hell and still want more of both. Well, he is my heaven and he is my hell, for better or for worse.
You are both the best and the worst thing that has happened to me so far. And in all honesty I loved every second of it.
What we can be together, we can't possibly with anyone else because we bring parts of one another that no one else would be able to handle.
"Whatever our souls are made, his and mine are the same."
Sometimes people screw up and they hurt each other. But there are people who no matter how much they hurt you in the past, they still make you feel alive like no one else.
I told you today, that I have a special place. It actually means that you do and that I'll always be there for you when you need me.
You have all of me, is all.
Нещата, които ни убиват, ни правят и истински живи. Fucked up, isn't it?!
Трябва да изгубим всичко, за да разберем кое наистина има смисъл.
It's not the epic moments that we miss, it's the little ones that we never really pay attention to.
And then there are people that are just right in every possible way. And they can love you, they can hate you, they can adore or hurt you, but no one can make you feel as alive as they do.
Хората трябва да се появяват в живота ни със срок на годност и указания за употреба.
Не се връщай, за да разбереш какво искаш. Върни се, когато знаеш, че искаш мен.
Трябваше да имам повече смелост и разум, за да не си мисля, че има вечности в множествено число и притежателни местоимения в живота ми. Защото нашата вечност ти я искаш с нея.
Няма нищо по-лошо от това да мислиш, че имаш шанс, когато всъщност нямаш и никога не си имал.
but our hands will always feel empty somehow where someone else's hand used to be.
Не е нужно да си поет, за да се раждаш и умираш по белите листи. Аз го правя всеки ден.
Не ми стига една вечност, искам хиляди.
Никога не искам да те няма. Ти си ми хаоса и спокойствието. Ти си ми проблема и решението.
I forgive you for not knowing. Even I don't know. All I'm saying is... Let's figure it out together.
Когато умът ти прекара последната вече година в маратон от мисли, тревоги, безсъния, кошмари наяве и насън... В един момент му прелива чашата и ти казва, че така повече няма да я караш. Сега ще те тормози той, задето си го тормозил ти толкова време.
Понякога трябва просто да следваш сърце, разум, инстинкт или каквото там те дърпа и да не се чудиш толкова много.
It's like I'm everything you want in a girl, but you don't feel it. It's like I've failed and I don't even know how.
And it feels like the only thing worse than being together is not being together because we are soulmates in many ways - we get each other on a higher level.
Нищо никога няма да бъде същото, защото ми се случи много и причиних много.

27 декември, 2014

looking back

Годината още не е приключила, но някак ми се иска да я изпратя по-скоро. Затова ще започна с финалните си думи от сега, та чак до самия финал. 2014 няма да ми липсва. Започна прилично в добра компания и се превърна в моят жив ад. Нищо никога няма да бъде същото, защото ми се случи много и причиних много. Разбира се, ги имаше и хубавите моменти, но предвид постовете в блога бих могла доволно да заявя, че вече има кръг на ада специално за мен. Поне така се чувствам след всичко, което трябваше да ми се случи. 
Всъщност благодарение на негативното след сесията си направих прекрасен маратон от почивен ден и излизане. Това продължи почти до втората сесия. После започнах и работа, където се срещнах с много интересни и позитивни хора. Осиновихме си бездомно коте, което сега мърка на горния етаж. Сдобих се с прекрасна и хаотична съквартирантка, с която ромът някак е по-сладък. Почти се влюбих в едно специално момче, но не се оказах достатъчно поправена за него. И се върнах обратно към началото, където ми се губи и намира винаги смисъла - при него. Последното е в преносен смисъл. След всичко той просто се появи, когато трябваше да оправя всичко и го разхвърля както само той си знае. Прати ми дрехите и задръжките по пода и ми напомни защо с него идва и си отива смисъла когато си поиска. 
За финал проклетото ми съзнание достигна предела на силите си и сега ще ме тормози за отмъщение от преживяната година, безсънните нощи, лошите навици, грешките и каквото още там съм направила. 
Блогът ми става на осем годинки, а аз съм си все същата като изключим новите повреди, които да ме побъркват какво само те си знаят. 

everybody wants to rule the world

I've had a fun morning again with not so random thoughts and conversations running in my mind like crazy. I really need to solve this once and for all, but you're not letting me. You say one thing and you do another. You say you want me but then you have things to figure out, so we are friends. But I can't just be your friend and you don't want me to be just that, because you don't want me seeing other people. But you don't feel it right for me. It's like I'm everything you want in a girl, but you don't feel it. It's like I've failed and I don't even know how. But then you look at me like I'm the only girl in the world for you anf you say that falling for me would be the easy thing and figuring out the rest would be hard. You even dealt with your ghost, but that doesn't seem to be helping out situation. You want us to try again, but feel like it will be a mistake. You don't want anything serious, because you don't want to have feelings for someone here when you're going there, as if you won't come back three months later. Then again you would give me a relationship just so you can be around, because you love having me there. I know, okay? I can't expect you to give me answers, when you don't know what you're doing. You want it to feel right but since it didn't up until this point, then will it ever feel right. I get that. But it's not like you don't love me or so you said. 
You make me a mess is all. And it feels like the only thing worse than being together is not being together because we are soulmates in many ways - we get each other on a higher level. Sometimes I don't even have to say things because you know them and I can say what's wrong with you without you even having to explain. But soulmates aren't always meant to be. And it's all a big mess which we need to figure out eventually, but right now the distance is the reason why we can't sit and talk for a whole night about all of it. 
This post is simply my thoughts from waking up to actually realising I'm awake and thinking about things like that. Unresolved issues rule my world

i miss my mind the most

Прекрасни сте, знаете ли? Всеки по свой си начин. Единия ме обича, другия ще ме заобича, а третия може и да ме е обичал някога. Странното е, че искам точно последния по много причини и същевременно осъзнавам, че не бива, заради още толкова причини. И това би трябвало да е последното нещо в съзнанието ми точно сега, но не мога да подредя още останалото. Мога поне да опитам.
Страшно е. Когато умът ти прекара последната вече година в маратон от мисли, тревоги, безсъния, кошмари наяве и насън... В един момент му прелива чашата и ти казва, че така повече няма да я караш. Сега ще те тормози той, задето си го тормозил ти толкова време. Да, аз премислям всичко твърде много. Принципно би трябвало да е хубаво, но не е. Понякога трябва просто да следваш сърце, разум, инстинкт или каквото там те дърпа и да не се чудиш толкова много. 
Бих опитала да пиша по темата, но още ми липсва достатъчно личен опит и информация. Държа да се отбележи как за няколко дни от проблем се превърна в проект. Доказателство, че да четеш Мара Дайер води до лудост, предполагам. Все пак след малкото проучване, което си спретнах вероятно ще бъде забавно света на Мара да навлезе в моята иначе толкова скучна и изпълнена с ром и момчета реалност. Това, че моят хаос не е толкова хаотичен не значи, че го няма. Но побърканото ми мазохистично съзнание обожава лудостта си и живее за нея. Колкото по мрачно е всичко, толкова повече личен опит, който ще превърна в думи по белите листи. Fucked up on so many levels, I know.
Странно е как и тримата стигнахте по различно време до едно и също желание, но по различни начини. Не разбирам какво толкова страшно има в цялата работа. Ако някой трябва да го е страх, това трябва да съм аз. Особено предвид как всички си идват и си отиват когато поискат и си вземат каквото си пожелаят. Да, така направих и аз и съжалявам. Моето поне не беше умишлено и имах надежда, че бих могла да остана. Понякога все още се чудя дали не се отказах твърде рано. После се сещам как се случи всичко и се съгласявам с решението си. За другото и цял живот няма да ми стигне да взема решение, а третото си е добре, както си е. 
Guess I got a lot to figure out but let's not panic! Забавлявам себе си, да.

24 декември, 2014

you make everything okay

До болка си прав докато давя се в поезия. Думите ми пак са се скрили. Прочетох веднъж блога, а забравих файла, та сега ще го чета пак. Може би ще разбера още нещо и ще ти докажа, че грешиш. Може би никога няма да спра да повтарям любимата си грешка. Вероятно е честно да дам и на себе си срок на годност и указания за употреба. Вечности. При наличие на спиращи дъха устни, забързано сърце, трудни за изказване думи, океан от чувства и още вечности по цялото небе. Романтично ми е и съм глупава. По тази логика винаги съм романтична. 
Безсънието пак се е разляло по цялото ми тяло. Не е нужно да си поет, за да се раждаш и умираш по белите листи. Аз го правя всеки ден. 

Нямат значение подробностите. Винаги съм тук и го знаеш. Защото теб познавам по-добре от себе си. Не ми стига една вечност, искам хиляди. 

Липсват ми скучните съботи, в които решаваме да пием текила или ром и в 4 сутринта сме на терасата, пък! Искам пак! 
Прекалено многото свободно време не води до нищо продуктивно, освен мрънкане, премисляне на прекалено много неща и странни постове в два през нощта. Никога не искам да те няма. Ти си ми хаоса и спокойствието. Ти си ми проблема и решението. Знам, че не трябва, но се моля да е прав. Защото в средата на горещото лято се изгуби смисъла на всичко и се намери в средата на прекрасния ноември. 
I forgive you for not knowing. Even I don't know. All I'm saying is... Let's figure it out together.

22 декември, 2014

and he pulled the trigger

Хората трябва да се появяват в живота ни със срок на годност и указания за употреба. Жалко е колко сме повредени всички. Като домино - тя теб, ти мен, аз него. На Коледа, какво винаги всичко отива по дяволите. Дори да не отиде само, аз ще го пратя. Не искам сбъднати желания, подаръци и панделки, а смелостта, която нямах тогава. Не се връщай, за да разбереш какво искаш. Върни се, когато знаеш, че искаш мен. Да, не се гордея, че аз правя същото, което и ти. Всъщност не. Надежди нямам. Дори за себе си не ми е останала надежда, че да раздавам и на на някой друг напразно. Хората не се поправят. Остават си счупени и целите в белези, които ни се иска да заличим, но не можем да видим. Аз съм изключение. Моите се виждат в думите. 
Нямаш право, не разбираш ли?! Да, ясно ми е, че трябва да пратиш всичко по дяволите. Зная колко те нараних. Но какво щеше да се случи, ако тя не беше толкова далеч? Дали щеше да търсиш мен тогава? Сам го каза. Аз съм единствената останала. А ако не бях? Да, знам. Каза, че не е само това и те разбирам. Но ми писна винаги да знам и да разбирам, а да не мога едно нещо да направя като хората. Трябваше да те пратя където ти е мястото и да не ти давам шанс да ми покажеш, че все още си същия от преди. Трябваше да имам повече смелост и разум, за да не си мисля, че има вечности в множествено число и притежателни местоимения в живота ми. Защото нашата вечност ти я искаш с нея. 
Няма нищо по-лошо от това да мислиш, че имаш шанс, когато всъщност нямаш и никога не си имал. Когато обичаш някого го знаеш и усещаш с цялото си същество. Не ти трябва да го мислиш, нито да го криеш. Мога да продължа, но тези думи не са за тук и е по-добре да бъдат казани, когато имам смелост и аз да направя каквото ти. А и няма смисъл. Това няма как да мине и няма как да се поправя. А и не искам. 
It's just that... You say things and you mean them and I believe you, but then you change your mind and I'm left with nothing yet again but all the promises of eternity. Promises are meant to be broken. Just like hearts and people. And we, the broken ones will never heal. Instead we will break some hearts of our own, trying to find in other whatever someone else took, but our hands will always feel empty somehow where someone else's hand used to be. If only I could be brave...

21 декември, 2014

here's to us

Пак се връщам към мисълта, че щом всичко ми се струва толкова правилно и прекрасно, си струва всичко. А огъня от подобни мисли се е разлял във вените ми и гори непрестанно. Нещата, които ни убиват, ни правят и истински живи. Fucked up, isn't it?!

Оставям на тях да те побъркат, за да бъда твоето спасение, както винаги. Трябва да изгубим всичко, за да разберем кое наистина има смисъл. Знам и го разбирам. Направих същото. Не е красиво, нито приятно. Но понякога просто трябва да изгориш всичко до основи и да видиш какво е останало. Сега разбра, че дори сега ме има. Да, видях го в очите й предната вечер. Каза ми го с толкова надежда, сякаш знаеше всичко толкова добре.

Отказвам да го мисля. Оставям всичко на течението и започвам да се моля за каквото там е останало от съставните ми части. Чакам си присъдата, предполагам. 
In the mean time I will do my best to sum up the year in a post and will do as mading as I possibly can. But then there come the moments when I die a little inside with the desire to be close to you. So close, that I can actually feel your heartbeat. It's not the epic moments that we miss, it's the little ones that we never really pay attention to. Guess now we both know that. 
You want to know why we are a match made in heaven? Because we are both as screwed up as possible and we know what it's like to be left behind, to have your heart shattered to pieces. Hell, we learnt it all over again. But somehow there is that stupid pull between us that will always bring us closer one way or another. 
Here's to us, indeed. And all the times that we fucked up. Because there are people who are right for you on paper. And then there are people that are just right in every possible way. And they can love you, they can hate you, they can adore or hurt you, but no one can make you feel as alive as they do. 

19 декември, 2014

Whatever our souls are made...

Do you know what I love about our story? Yes, not past tense. Present. I love how we became both lovers and best friends at the same time. It was like we knew each other already. That's what I always imagined soulmates would be. People you meet and you don't need to know them to trust and love them. Well, you are that to me. Which is why I told you today, that I have a special place. It actually means that you do and that I'll always be there for you when you need me. Sometimes people screw up and they hurt each other. But there are people who no matter how much they hurt you in the past, they still make you feel alive like no one else. 
I do feel bad that I wasn't there today. I really wanted to be. But I do mean it when I say you can count on me. You said falling in love with me would be easy and the rest would be hard. I know what I want this Christmas - what fell apart the last. We are both adults now in many ways. We are different - better. I'm just saying that maybe things got so screwed up so we can realise that we still care about each other even after all of this. 
I'm just having a hard time not telling you things, so I really need to write them down. I'm still scared ans waiting for things to fall apart as usual. But I'm also counting on you to really be the boy I know you can be. You have all of me, is all.

16 декември, 2014

then stay forever

If you're going to love me, love me deeply...
Of all the thing I love, him sleeping while I'm holding him and his hands are wrapped around me is the best possible feeling in the world. It's like the whole world can be falling apart, but I'd feel safe anyway. Not many people can give you that kind of feeling, I guess.
It's such a scary feeling to realise that one person still holds your whole world in his hands and can either make it or break it with one single movement. It's horrible, isn't it? When you realise that you can go through both heaven and hell and still want more of both. Well, he is my heaven and he is my hell, for better or for worse. And no one can ever change that. It's only been a month and my life is turned upside down yet again because of him. I sing happy songs, I draw, I smile and I feel whole without needing him to believe I am. I thought there would be regret, but there isn't. It's just that big possibility of things happening and the black hole of doubt lurking behind every corner.
It's just that... We tried going our separate ways thinking we no longer wanted each other and yet here we are again. And it's scary as hell, and sweet as heaven. Well, you said I love the complete opposites. For me, you are the biggest one. You can make me love you and hate you at the same time. You can take me to heaven or bring me down to hell. You are both the best and the worst thing that has happened to me so far. And in all honesty I loved every second of it. You know that. I miss the happiness and the misery. I miss the fights and the sleepless nights. What we can be together, we can't possibly with anyone else because we bring parts of one another that no one else would be able to handle.
I told you, didn't I? That if you decide to walk away, you should do it now, before the flames consume me. And you realised it too. That you need to lose everything and to find yourself. I did the same. I wouldn't have made a step towards you, if you hadn't. I would have wanted to. I would have written a message, dialled your number, but I would never have the courage. I still wonder where it came from, but I guess when you look at someone you just know. With you I always knew. Even when I didn't like it, I knew. And I guess when you're holding me so close I can't for the life of me even try to walk away. Well, I'm used to being out in the storm. 
If you're going to break my heart, then break it all.

13 декември, 2014

I'll never ask for anyone but you

 We are both still in that storm, aren't we? Our storm. It feels so weird to actually write it and to be calm while thinking about it. The thing is, we are awesome when we want to be and we can be destructive as well. We proved it. We did hurt each other in many ways. But there is still that pull, that notion that we belong to each other in many ways. We get each other in a way no one gets us. Hell, I know what's wrong with you without you even being able to tell me. I am the one who brings comfort with my words, you do it for me with your presence. I'm scared and so are you, because of how horrible we were to each other. But that's not what we were all the time, that's how things get when life happens. We are both stronger than that and we find the most strength in each other. 
I get it now... What makes all of this so scary and why it felt like your world is falling to pieces as well. Even in your worst days what made you feel the way I felt was the same reason as mine. We can go our separate ways, we can find new people and try to fall for them, but nothing will ever burn so bright as to make you do the things we did. And no one will ever make me want to to them as well. You think we lose each other when we are together. You believe in a great future ahead and you fear that you will hold yourself back because of me, but I will never let that happen. You know that.
What makes people to want to grow old together isn't the promise of a great and happy life, it's being beside one another in spite of all the bad things that happen. And what you've given me, no one else can. Not the same way. With your hand in mine I can have the world and do better every day just because I see it in your eyes when you believe I can.
I should not be the one saying things, but I can't help but think about it. It makes sense now what makes you hold back. We did lose ourselves in a way. But I won't let that happen again. It's just that we can be extraordinary together, rather than ordinary apart. It is as simple as that.

06 декември, 2014

what do you want from me

И този е от дните, в които ще се давя в кофеин и никотин. Не искам да познавам никой и не искам никой да познава мен. Не искам да имам белези и да съм оставила такива по някого. Не искам и себе си да познавам, доста често. 
But I'm still here, still breathing, making mistakes and well, living with them. Good thing - I have awesome friends. Even when they get sick of my drama, they're still here and I love them for it. Seriously, without you I'd never be who I am now. I'd be drunk, more likely, because life sucks. I just knew something bad was going to happen and this is my proof. I have no idea what I'd going to do, or how I'm going to do it. Hell, I have so many things to think about and no inspiration to do so. I don't even feel like crying or screaming. This is no surprise for me. There are no happy endings. And I deserve the misery, because someone else is miserable because of me every damn night. I had no intention of hurting him, but here we are. We hurt people, we fall for people and we mean well, but it still hurts, so why are we even trying to make anything work? Because life would suck more if we didn't, I guess. I wish I could say that love is going to save us all and stuff, but that was long time ago. 
Now I can't fall asleep at night, I can't handle my own thoughts most of the time and everyday I wonder how I got here. Most of all, the closer I get to that date, the more I freak out, because it might make or break me. I love how people can screw up my life from distance. As always!

01 декември, 2014

every me

I'm in chains, I realised. I've chained myself with choices, mistakes, thoughts, ideas, future that may not really belong to me. I am afraid now. Afraid to breathe, to dream, to do anything but stand here and pour my heart out. I still wish for days of waking up before 10 in the morning and dreamless nights. My world was whole then it just wasn't with me having no idea how it got that way. 
I am calm, my demons may be many but they are asleep now, poisoned by his delightful kisses. I sound like I'm on drugs, I know. But I am not. In fact, my thoughts are clearer, even if my future isn't. I have so many things to say and I'm afraid to say them. I feel like this can actually work. In the same time I'm scared to actually believe it. It's just so easy for my demons to wake up and begin to torture me again. But I am calm as I let him kiss the scars on my skin. Scars that he made himself and yet they seem to disappear under his gentle touch. I thought I had imagined him back them. That the person I fell in love with is long gone and that in fact, I'm somehow at least half to blame for it. But you can't really ruin a person, can you? I realise now that we are all broken one way or the other. We have our demons and fears, all of us. The thing is, there are people who wake up those demons and others who lay them to sleep. You did both. You locked them up, you unleashed them upon me and now you are teaching me to accept them and live with them and let them teach me, instead of fear them. 
No, I also don't believe in second chances. But I'm not calling it a second chance. To me, this can be a new thing now that I've grown and learned. I think all the experience, good and bad, has made me wiser, better, calmer. I still have fire within me, as always. But with you I can simply watch its soothing flames and not rush to make it bigger. I can burn with my words instead and write much better after all of this. Which is why I am willing to go through heaven and hell with you, if that's what you want me to. That's the question of the year, I guess - what do you want?
Hell, if I can't answer that question, knowing all the things I've learned, how can I ask you to do it? I know how you think and how you see things. I get it. And once upon a time I'd be pissed, desperate... Now I am calm. I don't expect the best, I don't stay awake at night wondering. I am taking it one step at a time, the way I told you we should and see where that gets us. If we were meant to be, it will be okay no matter what and that's it. So I won't be pouting my heart out every chance I get. I will sit back and wait for things to happen, if they will. I am okay and happy, is all. Which doesn't really last in my case and doesn't happen all that often, so I might as well enjoy it while it lasts.