31 януари, 2015

falling all the same

'You're awesome' and the cute and shy smile you say it with.
Calling me just to say good night.

-И умната!
-Вече съм с нея.
I can't help myself. I'm making plans. And it sucks, because my planning skills are great and I have this big plan formed which only took two hours of research. Of course, I'm keeping all of this to myself and not saying a thing, because we're not making plans and promises. But it's all right there in my head now, so I might as well keep my options open. 
I just want to talk to you and watch movies. I want to go out or stay home or do anything really. I'm starting to like this new undefined us way too much and I'll be sorry as usual. And I won't be mad silly. As long as I know that I'm the only girl on your mind, you can go anywhere and do anything. 
I can make plans with you and without you. I already have ideas. The thing is I want to make plans with you. And I might be crazy but there are those little moments when I catch you looking at me when I'm not or saying stuff as a joke or in a low voice, so I won't notice. You said falling for me will be easy and the rest will be hard. I think the rest is pretty simple. It will take some more hours of planning and that'd it. The hard part is you figuring your own issues. And I wish I could help with that but we all have to take care of our demons and ghosts. 
I guess I should keep enjoying it and try not to think so much. But you are your old and loving self, the one I fell for, so it's not that easy. I know it takes time. I just wish I have the patience not to ruin it by saying something. 

28 януари, 2015

forever and a day

Memories are worth all the sleepless nights it takes to make them.

I keep forgetting to forget. And I remember every single moment. It's imprinted in my memory like your fingerprints are all over my skin and the touch of your lips is tattooed on mine. Nothing can ever feel like home the way it does with you. Yes, home is a feeling for me. One of such comfort that I can cry and laugh at the same time and it's all okay. 
Sometimes I think this isn't enough. Dark thoughts keep torturing me every now and then that there should be something more to us. But after all the weekend afternoons and nights when it's not even the weekend yet, I feel like this is all I want for now. I am happy about it and I might as well enjoy it. I spent last year fighting and worrying about the future and it only led to a complete disaster. I am enjoying the time that I have now and whatever happens, I'll figure it out as I go. 
I guess I also need to stop imagining that only bad things happen to me. I have proof of too many good things happening as well. I choose to see you as a good thing too. When things were good, I was the happiest girl in the world and when they were bad I learned how strong I can be. 
And yes, I'm basically saying the same thing over and over but I am collecting happy thoughts instead of dark ones. This place can't all be about my dark moments. I remember them very well even without a reminder. I want to remember the happy ones this year. How he makes me laugh until I can't breathe and the smile he has on his face when he does it. How he dresses up even though he is only coming to my room to cuddle in bed and watch movies. How he keeps his hand as if there is snacks there only so I can try to take some and touch him. How he waits for me to focus my attention on the screen so he can cuddle me and stalk me in peace. How he leans in to kiss my lips but decides to first kiss my forehead. How he knows very well what's going to happen next in the movie because he's seen it but won't tell me a thing so as not to ruin it for me. I'm the first person he calls after something interesting happens to him. I am the first person he calls on a bad day or on a good day, or when nothing is happening and he just wants to hear my voice and how my day has been. 
I'd do it all over again, you know. Because what I love is us and the way we get each other in a way that no one will ever get us. 

27 януари, 2015

better than drugs

You're my Saturday night and Sunday morning. I do want to rip your clothes off quite often but I'd also really love watching something and falling asleep in each other's arms every now and then.
I'm an addict. I've always been. Only people have drugs and I have people to get addicted to. I used to be loud and wild when I was in love before. I am quiet now. I'm not saying things, I'm not in the mood for promises of eternity and all the other romantic stuff. I'm accepting the idea that "the one" is an idea that is very different for everyone and it takes time to actually get a clear view of it. Usually it's that person is the one you can never be with. Only the really lucky ones realize that what they have is special. Mostly people take other people for granted and dream about some other people. 
I'm undefined for him. And maybe for myself as well. I never wanted to be the weaker link in a relationship. But I'm an addict, so there goes that. I wanted success and career and then eventually maybe a husband, so I can have kids with someone equally successful. Then life happened and it turned out that I'm awesome at being in love. I go all in and it's supposed to be a good thing but also very dangerous. Because well, chances fail and stuff.
I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to define myself and what to do with my life. I wanted to have a quiet summer home, but I'm not quiet. I need noise and adventure. I thing it's called a distraction but it usually helps get me to where I want to be. There was that other thing but it's too far away and I'm not that brave. At least not yet, considering how crazy things have been around me lately. 
My point is, I'm slowly recovering from the addiction and learning to put myself first. So you being around is purely a selfish thing. I like having you around. But I don't need it like it will save my life. I will be okay even if I'm not the one. I will be okay because somehow I always am. Now I just need to make a plan like you had a plan and follow it. 

24 януари, 2015

don't u dare change

Him calling me to tell me good night. Making me stutter and enjoying it. When we are sleepy. When he says something cute knowing that I'll find it adorable. Watching a TV show for hours on a rainy night and falling asleep in each other's arms. I can live with that without wanting more.
I've been a hero for the past couple of days and it seems like the dark period is coming to an end. Not that it can't come back, but I guess beating it once will help in the future. And I do want to take this summer all for me and be by myself with my own thoughts, books and characters. I've found enough limits for now, enough boundaries, enough ghosts and nightmares. I could use the peace and the quiet. I've lived on emotions, caffeine, caffeine and alcohol for so long that I thought not having an overdose of those will be the death of me, but it's the complete opposite. I've accepted things the way they are and I'm finally not trying to change anything. I'm letting it all happen on itself if it wishes. I'm not saying I won't fight if I have to but some things need to happen on their own. Trying to force everything only leads to more destruction on all ends. 
Well, it took a lot to learn my lesson. Now I really want to drown in the simple daily pleasures that life offers me and to enjoy every single second of what is to come. I guess this also means drowning in inspiration because I feel both happy and inspired but not on fire. I mean, there is fire but it's not destructive, it is simply warming me and waiting for its time. 

21 януари, 2015

dream catcher malfunction

When you care about people, you don't push their buttons and you don't pull their strings whenever you feel like it just because you can. You don't run away when things are hard. Distance, fights and differences don't mean a thing when you care. People can be mean to you, they can push you away, they can be driving you insane, but you will still be there for them. You won't be blaming them for things falling apart, you won't be selfishly trying to find a place in their life when you wouldn't give them some in yours.
By the time I've spent with the ghost of someone else's past in my dreams, we could have been best friends already. If only she wasn't so selfish as to keep telling me that she knows him before I did and that I will never be able to understand him the way she has. Well, that's just my subconsciousness speaking I guess. But I don't believe that is true. I know him. It's her I don't understand. She says she cares and loves him, but she's only waiting for him to go to her. She wouldn't even lift her finger to do anything for him. She blames me for hating her while she goes behind my back telling him things about me and discussing my relationship with him. She has no idea how wrecked he was when I met him. She has no idea how much it hurt him to be talking to her, trying to be her friend.
Well, I was there, when she wasn't. I was holding his hand when she was ripping his heart out. I fixed what she broke to the best of y abilities. Only to have her stalking my dreams and crying to me about him. Karma must be my biggest fan. I really do want to accidentally meet her so she can fake liking me and I can finally tell her at least half of what I think. A girl must have her peace every once in a while and if that includes talking to her, that's fine with me. I'm not saying it was easy for her to leave and be there on her own, but hers was a choice, his was the lack of one. And he tried anyway. 

20 януари, 2015

Okay, let's kiss

So, I have an exam tomorrow, but I can't seem to worry all that much about it. I have other things to worry about. Anyway, I just wanted to share today, as it was a day of collecting good memories and happiness.
Who knew that watching TV shows could be so fun. Almost like before, only better. I love our making plans to not really make any plans. It's all spontaneous as easy as breathing. I wish things could stay that way forever. It's so much fun and yet it's so ordinary.
I wish he could hold me every time I have to be strong. I wish I could heart his heartbeat, so I can calm down and be able to breathe again. He is a phone call away, of course. But the way he just knows what to whisper in my ear and how to be close and to let me handle things for myself. It's nice to know that you have someone special who gets so many things about you completely. Because he did, even when things were bad. He knew all of it. And I know all of it. I'm not saying we were right, but I understand. 
Okay, let's kiss. Let's listen to epic music and watch lame TV shows. Not that they are lame, but you get the point. Happiness is when you're doing completely ordinary things, but you feel good anyway. 
I'll have to be my own hero tomorrow. I hate that I have to be a hero every day. I really wish I could just stay in bed all day and enjoy the TV shows and the music. But I guess it's so much better to have that after a long day. I will be my own hero. I can be. All I need is that little faith that you have in me. 

18 януари, 2015

master of my fate

"The demons have moved from under my bed to the inner depths of my head."
Finally I am calm. The moon is gone and it's no longer pulling me to the shore. My waves are small, almost gone. Just a faint whisper of the storm that my usual self is. I love when inspiration hits me right before I have to study really hard. But I want to remember this.
Yesterday when I was at my weakest he was here. He insisted on being here even when I objected. And he held me, when I was scared, he talked to me, when I needed the distraction and at last I rested my head on his chest and listened to his heart while his fingers messed my hair and gently drew figures over my body. Wearing his T-shirt is also a bliss. I feel him close that way. I have an  anchor to keep me calm. I can and try and tell people how to calm me down when I needed but he's the one that knows without me saying a word. Which makes him special and I wanted to be able to remember that feeling of him holding me while I'm listening to his heart. It reminds me of the cold afternoon when I was going to his place and he met me on the way and he made me listen to his heart because he was so excited to see me. 
I'm in a black hole, right now in many ways. I am responsible for it, mainly. I really have the ability to self-destruct. That explains why I'm in love with Fia - my favorite fictional character so far. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter how I got here, but how I'm going to fix myself to proper functioning. And as much as I want to do it myself, sometimes I just need for someone else to believe in me the way I used to. Otherwise I kind of enjoy the insanity but that has its own limits. It feels good to finally have someone believing in you and taking care of you when you can't find a way to pick yourself off the floor. I used to be able to do it on my own, but it's not that easy anymore when I hardly find a reason for it. So just the idea that someone else is willing to stay on the floor with me until I'm ready to get up and will give me a hand and help is comforting. That's what I need. Not the actual help, but the idea that if I can't help myself, someone else will.
Every time things are bad I think how in a few months I will be laughing over that dark period while having fun and feeling better. I really hope it's that way this time because almost all of last year was a dark period. Which is why I find it hard to believe that things will ever get better and I expect the next bad thing to happen. It won't. And it's going to be fine. Just believe for me, because sometimes it's hard for me to do so. 

13 януари, 2015

fingerprints

It's finny how these realizations hit me over old things when I have to sleep, because I have an exam tomorrow. But I can be your everything. I can be a wife, I can be a lover, a friend, someone you care about, someone you hate. I've been your everything. You loved me, you hated me, you needed me. Hell, you still do. The thing is there are so many people in our lives. Some we love, some we adore, some we hate. I guess with you so far we've both been everything to each other. Which is why I understand you perfectly. And that's how I know how truly lost you are. But it's okay. Only when you lose yourself, you can actually find what you're really looking for. And when we need something we usually find it right back where we left it and forgot about it. 
I guess I could really use the inspiration but there are exams coming up. I feel like drowning in some epic story, or even writing one. It's about time and I feel ready. I honestly believe the hell I lived through around Christmas actually gave me the fresh start I truly needed. It's just so good not to be worried all the time, or sad and lost. Breathing is easy and everything is just so peaceful. Or maybe I am. I have no idea how it's going to be when he leaves, but it's the story of my life, you know - people coming and going as they please. Me? I'm always here. I'm the one that stays and picks up the pieces. I'm the one that writes about the people that come and go. They are the bright stars of my existence, but they never realize that they also give me fire which makes me who I am. I'll explain it better some other time.
It's not that I'm in love with you. It's not that I even love you as much as I used to. It's not the epic story, it's not the great memories. You are just the person that understands me. You don't like it sometimes, but you get it. And you challenge me, you listen to me, you're here now. You may not be tomorrow. You're not like me when it comes to that. But... You'll somehow always be the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. And I can't for the life of me regret going through heaven or hell with you. Just be my freaking person, okay? I'm okay with you going to see the world and live the dream but only if you come back for me. And I know that's what you fear. That falling for me will stand on the way of your dreams, but you'll soon realize that I'm the one who wants all the best for you and will help you get it no matter what.
I love how I start writing about one thing and end up telling myself what I already know or what I've told you already. Well, it's the song and you saying that I'll always be the best thing that happened to you. 

07 януари, 2015

i'll be your gold

I was a hero yesterday! I guess I'll have to be my own hero for a while, but I don't mind. It's all going to be okay. Things are slowly starting to get back to normal and I enjoy them as they are.
The weeks of hell are here. We've got so any things to do and not enough time to do them. And instead of studying I'd so much love to lose myself in some book, or to spend ore time with friends or with him. Or to just sleep and eat and not care about anything.
Now would be the perfect time for a vacation because it's so cold that all you want to do is stay in bed and drink coffee and tea. Some cuddling and movies would be nice too. Playing some games, watching some funny stuff on the internet. I'd very much love to do it all and drown in the happiness that comes from those moments. I so much love our simple plans and the finally easy to breathe air all around me. 
Right now I am colouring all my study materials and organizing, so that I can get into the spirit of the beginning exam session. I honestly have no motivation for it and I'd very much like to not lift a finger and still pass. But there is this pressing thought that I can do better than this. So I am slowly preparing my mind for the information overload that is going to follow in the next few weeks. If you are going to be my reward for every day I spend studying, I'd gladly do it. Principles are important after all, and we are no quitters when it comes to studying. We give it all we've got. 
I'd like to have you beside me the same way you do when there is something difficult to be done. Probably because you understand why doing your best is that important. And because you do it better than me most of the time. We are a match, but I still can't decide if it was made in hell or heaven. 
I don't know how, but something is different. It might be me, it might be something else, but things are better now. I am better. 
I don't want anything more, but I don't want anything less. 

06 януари, 2015

I try to picture me without you but I can't


Защо само да спя с твоята тениска, като мога да я нося цял ден? Затвори сега на едното коте, за да си вземеш другото и да ходите към контролна зала, след като е близало мляко от ръката ти и ти е мъркало. Умирам от щастие и сладникавост! Major cuteness!
Като съм щастлива не ми се получава писането, а искам да пиша. Обожавам да ти разрошвам косата и да те целувам докато си се замислил. Още повече обожавам да ме носиш из стаята, докато съм те гушнала като бебе коала. Cuteness overload!
Утре ще бъда герой, надявам се. Първо, защото ще изляза навън в студа. И второ, защото ще опитам да стигна до университета и ще се моля да не ме застигне някоя паник атака. 
Иначе пак съм си направила списък с книги за четене, идеи за писане и всякакви вдъхновяващи неща. Насъбраното щастие също помага много на вдъхновението, стига да спре да ме мързи и да напусна леглото си поне за малко. Може ли да спра времето и всичко да си остане както е в момента? Харесва ми толкова много цялото това спокойствие и щастие, че не бих си пожелала нищо друго, освен да продължи без да се променя. 

05 януари, 2015

fly

I love sleeping in your T-shirt. I can almost imagine you sleeping beside me that way. I love things the way they are right now. It's as easy as breathing and I'm happy. God, it feels so good to be happy.
Of course, it's January and I need to start organising my studying schedule, but I don't mind. I do need to worry about something normal for once. Or not worry at all, which would be my goal this year. I did waste a lot of time worrying last year and it has done me no good.
And I really need to add some more art into my life. I will start with some room decorations and inspirational thoughts. Collecting music and pictures is also a good idea. My weekends especially will be dedicated to relaxing in any way possible. He can join me if he feels like it.
Now I better get to the things I need to do till I still have time, so I can avoid worrying and enjoy the happiness that is still running through my veins.

I'm feeling 22!


Събрах толкова много щастие за един ден, че може да ме топли цяла година! Щастливо ми е толкова, че до преди малко подскачах с огромна усмивка разлята на лицето си. Душата ми ще се пръсне от щастие и радост. Имам най-прекрасните семейство и приятели на света! Карат ме да се чувствам специална, прекрасна, обичана, ценена. Какво повече мога да си пожелая?
Преди си пожелавах сбъднати мечти, някоя написана книга, някоя вечна любов. Сега очите ми блестят от щастие и обожавам всеки хубав миг, на който мога да се насладя. Ако през всеки ден от годината получавам по прашинка щастие като днешното, ще бъда усмихната и щастлива. 
Права бях за теб. А ти беше прав, че именно от това имам нужда. Всичко е толкова прекрасно, че дори не искам да затворя очи и деня да свърши. Щастлива съм!
п.с. Обожавам да заспивам и да се събуждам до теб, да ме прегръщаш дори в съня си и да те събуждам с целувка. После да ти направя кафе и да гледаме клипчета, а накрая да не искаш да си тръгнеш, защото съм прекалено сладка и искаш да ми се радваш още и още. Прекрасно е!