29 март, 2015

one more night

Another good day worth mentioning. I got to finish all the things planned before the afternoon and I had plenty of time to be lazy afterwards. It's awesome when we both had an epic day. I think the spring is also helping for the good mood and the optimism. Also, I can't get rid of this awesome song and I keep singing it all day.
That was a week ago, but it's still true. I love how you're sending me videos so I can watch them even when you're not here. Especially for good night. I love how you love me, basically. And I miss you as well, but knowing that you're there living the dream and letting me live mine feels so damn good.
I never said it would be easy, all of it. But it's definitely worth it so far. Seriously, telling you how my day went and hearing all about yours is my favorite thing to do. Because if the day was bad, we're here for each other and if it was good, we are both happy and proud of ourselves and of one another. 
Sadly, these days I have weird dreams and trouble sleeping which increases the chances of 'i'm gonna die today' episodes. But I'm slowly dealing with it. It's going to take a lot of time until it's all gone, but I am no quitter. As hard as it may be, I will do my best to overcome it. 
In the mean time, finding why I love going to the university is a lot of fun. When you are prepared and you get to answer questions and understand what you're being told, it's one of the most exhilarating feelings in the world. Hopefully, my efforts will pay off unlike every other time I try to do my best and realize it's not enough. 
So basically, I have good days and bad days, like any other person. Only on my bad days I better avoid other people, because my bad mood can ruin a lot of things. And on my good days the world belongs to me. Also, I made an interesting decision the other night. I might as well do the same as queen Elizabeth. Only she had her country to marry. I don't. But I do have my writing. And I'd choose it any time if it won't choose me. All the irony.
What I wouldn't give for a night of movies and cuddling on the weekend... Hopefully there will be lots of catching up when you're back. 
Because when something happens, 
he’s the person I want to tell. 
The most basic indicator of love. 

26 март, 2015

lights out

You can't even imagine how fucked up my head is most of the time. I guess I'm good at pretending. Because what's inside is scary and damaged, dark and twisty. It won't allow dreams to live for long. It enjoys torturing them, so they no longer come. My mind is a dark place with dark thoughts. Usually this place is that way as well, but I've decided to make it a happy place. Maybe it should be both happy and dark, so it can fit me better.
Yes, love. I want things. I want them with you. I can have them and without you, but with you it will be better. But those thoughts and desires come with their own set of nightmares to deal with because some ghosts will never leave me alone and I guess I also have you to thank for that. So now I don't dream big. You're the dreamer. I am fine just sitting here and placing one foot in front of the other. Otherwise I'd like my dreams and ideas so much that they will finish me in time like they almost did before. 
No, I don't like that. I want to be reckless and to dream big. But I'm scared so much that it leaves me out of breath sometimes. Too much has been taken away. Too much has happened. But you're not allowed to know that. Which is also why what I'm doing is pointless but it's easier to have you around than not to. It sucks. All of it. You see it as a mistake. I see it as something that could have been an epic future. But you've never been someone's second choice. Otherwise you'd know. It means I never had a chance. It was never going to be an epic future. Not in this life, not in any other. 
Almost is really a big word for me. Almost on time. Almost happy. Almost home. Almost with you. Almost alone. Almost the love of your life. Almost but not quite. 
It means I failed before I even tried. There's nothing worse in this world than thinking you had a chance when you actually never had. 

17 март, 2015

uptown funk

Another day full of happiness and positive emotions. It feels good to be a hero all day. My boy had a bad day, but he has many great ones ahead and he will be fine because he has me to always calm him down. Otherwise yeah, today was a good day. I need many more of those to survive the following four months. Good thing is I have fun and awesome people to be around. 
Also, I kind of wish I was a library person. I love reading, but I don't feel at home when I'm in a library. That is, I'm more interested in looking for books than just sitting there and reading. I'm hoping that will change these days. And I've been feeling the inspiration again today. If only I wasn't so sleepy yet so energized to be up because I have a lecture tomorrow and I need to go to bed. Well, going to bed is how every day ends, no matter how good or bad, but I kind of want to prolong the good ones and end the bad ones as early as possible. Hopefully the good ones will be more from now on.
I'd ask how do you capture a feeling but I already know the answer- writing! That, believe it or not, is the easy part. The hard one comes after that and it scares me just a little but the fear is just the clutch that tries to hold you back and turn your dreams to dust, as the song goes. So yeah, I hope you all have great days like mine and get more sleep than I do. 
If he was here now, he would have been to work and then he would have come to see me even though he's tired. He always likes seeing me and telling me how his day was. On good days we share smiles and on bad days, like his today, we would share hugs and I'd keep telling him it will all be okay soon because he is great. Well, now I can't hug him but he still knows that everything will be okay because he has me to tell him. God, I wish he could see himself through my eyes. 
She is telling me she always mentions her boy when she talks even to strangers and that people sometimes look at her like she's a unicorn for being so close to a boy. Finally, I'm not the only one. 

16 март, 2015

the world belongs to us

Sunday is good when I wake up in your T-shirt yet again after the morning is over. I have tons of things to do, yet I play a game and refuse to be bothered until I decide to be. And I got to see him today and bits of the room that is now temporarily yours. He even drew a picture of me when I'm sleeping which was the cutest thing ever. And he went all why when I send him a kiss. 
Well, I need to be a hero this week and every week from now on. Not that I didn't need to be so far, but it's a little bit harder in a way. Still, I'm no quitter, so I will be brave yet again. 
I can't really find the time for writing yet, but soon I will. I have all those ideas running in my head but I need to get rid of the other things. Also, I need to make a new writing playlist, which I sort of have ideas for.
We have this epic class English through Literature and we are given interesting texts to read and then answer questions. So this week's question was which book would you like to get into like really. And the two that came to mind were "Mind Games" and "Little Women". I find that weird and funny. One is totally carefree in a way, simple, easy to read, even boring every now and then and the other is the complete opposite - all action, secrets, danger, risks and intensity of the highest level. And as weird as it may be, I realize that it's so me to like suck opposite things. I'm a girl of contradictions. I love intensity. I want a simple life but full of greatness. I want a simple love, yet I find it boring and crave a little danger every now and then. I go from love to hate within seconds. Even my taste in boys shows my conflicting nature. Good and bad, quiet and loud.
He captures both sides of my contradictions. He is loud, he is quiet, he is calm, he is intense, he is good, he is bad. He was born to make and break me. I was born to love and hate him. And I love every second of it. It's like that poem "I paint my hell". I do everyday, by making my choices and following them. I choose to be brave. I will be choosing it every day. And I will be nothing less than brave and awesome just like you, sweet inspiration of mine. 

15 март, 2015

born for this

Those five minutes of hearing your voice and you telling me that it's all okay and I had nothing to worry about seriously made my day. It's weird but I have so many things to catch up on and I'm dying to write something, anything. I guess my inspiration finally arrived. Too bad I can't give it my full attention but I will soon, I hope.
For the record, this day has been endless. I have no idea how i will survive the following four months if time passes so slowly from now on. But I'm putting things in order and so far it's going good. If only I could find my university inspiration as well, that would be great. Maybe I will. 
People do to us exactly what we let them, right? Well, I'm completely fine with all the things you've done to me. Because I sure as hell did some damage as well. I guess we don't see it from this point of view, but we hurt others just like they hurt us. Not the same people, but still the damage is there and it's done and it can't be taken back. 
It was never about the place for me. I can be comfortable anywhere, as long as there's someone for me there. Well, you mostly. I wanted to pick a university elsewhere for my master's degree but I honestly don't mind if I don't. All the greatness and inspiration in the world are right where I am. My mind travels so far away that I don't need to. 
This is me saying goodbye to staying up will 4 a.m. and being reckless. I may like being an early bird, you know. Like you. You inspire me, love. You always have. I have no idea what the future holds and that scares me a lot, but one thing I know is that I will make it somehow. And if I can have you by my side, I'd want nothing more.
I’ve survived a lot of things, and I’ll probably survive this. 

14 март, 2015

star-crossed


And now employ the remnant of my wit
To make myself believe that all is well,
While with a feeling skill I paint my hell.

I wasn't a hero the day before. I wanted to be, but I couldn't. Time was running out. It still is. So yesterday, instead of doing things I was in bed all day. I so badly need time to just stop. I hope that if I stop doing things and pretend it's not passing by, it will actually stop but it doesn't.
Also I realize that I could collect all the happy memories in the world and they would still feel like a glass of water compared to the ocean I feel within me when you're around. Like a candle and a fire.
Today I was a hero. I didn't cry as I was saying goodbye. I smiled and kissed him hard. I still remember his lips on mine from the other night. I remember him singing "In waves" as I am telling him how my day was all in waves of panic and calmness. It will surely hit me again soon, the realization that he is some thousand miles away. It will be when I'm not home in my safe place but when I am outside trying to be a hero. I'm quite used to not being able to breath every now and then. 
So the plan is ready. I just wish I was brave enough to do it but when the time comes and if I decide so, I will follow it. 
In the mean time I will do my research and face my issues. I've been doing it passively by not running away or staying home, but I think something more should be done and I will find it. I will not be my own worst enemy and I will let nothing stop me from doing what I want. Yes, the week was hell, but it's almost over and I plan on being busy tomorrow, so I won't have time to worry as usual. Well, that's the spirit, I guess. 

13 март, 2015

the star-lover

Monday was the scariest day yet. Tomorrow will be worse. I know Mondays are scary as usual but mine aren't. I love fresh starts, they inspire me. This one felt like all hell broke loose on me. The damn panic has been creeping into my mind for days with the sleepless night and the nightmares and it finally found its way to the surface. It drowned me. But not all at once. It took its time and pleasure to torture me all night. And you know what?! As scary as it was, I enjoyed almost every second of that night. The panic filled me with adrenalin and it's such a rush that you can't not jump around, dance and sing. 
He was a big part of my surviving the night, but also all my friends that were there and my sister who held my hand when I wasn't able to catch my breath. It's hard to remember how the surviving happens sometimes but it does sooner or later. 
Then we danced and he didn't need to say it. And we are defined. I am his and he is mine for now. And it's fine that way. We both need the time apart to do our own things. But I'm going to miss him so much. The way he smiles when he thinks I'm not watching and the way he does when I am. There have been so many little moments of happiness that were spontaneous and epic that I sometimes want to be able to relive them over and over again until the time passes and he is back. Because surely things will be different when he does. I will be different. Better, I hope. And he will either be mine forever or he was never mine to begin with. Okay, so maybe I hate fresh starts and new beginnings. I love what is old and familiar. Sue me!
You said you'll never say it again. That you're only going to show it. And you have. You made me fall in love with you all over again without even trying to. I know exactly what you're thinking and why you're doing things the way you do. It's funny, you know. I know all the little details about you that would scare someone else, but I love every one of your ghosts, fears and flaws. Damn, I wish I could write poetry so I could tell you all that I feel in the best way possible. But I am a girl of many words, a writer. Oh well, who cares how you say or show it, as long as you do show it and mean it.

05 март, 2015

completely

I had almost forgotten how undecided and undefined we are. Well, we kind of are defined in a way but we don't talk about it. It will ruin everything. You know, I try to ignore the moments when you hug me and tell me you're going to miss me but on the inside I kind of feel like crying already. Because I know how much I will miss you as well. 
Remember that star you took down for me. I've placed it over my bed so when I sleep it's always shining over me. It makes me feel safe in a way. Like you may not be here but there is something from to left to keep all the bad things away. 
I can't believe I only have a week left. I keep thinking that I will forget to tell you something or that we won't have time for some epic plan . That's not true. These four months will pass so fast. At least I hope so. And I made sure I have plenty to do, so I don't really feel them passing, dragging slowly and painfully. 
On the optimistic point of view you will reward me with lots of pictures and hopefully will share good memories. Sure, there will be bad days for both of us but we always have each other. And it won't be boring for you, darling. You have that same fire within you that I do and you won't sit still for a second, I'm sure of it. That's one of the many reasons why I love you.
Yes, I know. I've turned this place into a love diary. But writing all the bad stuff has done me no good. I've been so stuck on all the dark memories that I drove myself crazy thinking about them. This year is new. I'm new. Everything is a bit more colorful, a bit changed. Might be for the better, or the worst, but I'm collecting all my happy memories because that's what I want to remember after all. Not the circle in hell but what came after it. Not the tears, but the smiles. The moments with loved ones, rather than those of loneliness. It took me this long to find those limits I once talked about. It took so much for me to hit the breaks, sit and enjoy the view. 
I'm done being reckless with myself or with anyone else. I've always been responsible and it suits me just fine. So I guess I finally figured out what I want to be - better. Just like you. 

04 март, 2015

love the way you love me

I keep saying that I can't write about every our little moment of happiness and that they are not as special but then you do something and I just can't help myself. I feel like I should write it all down as if it will disappear the way you will in a few days. As if I can possibly ever forget...
You're so cute when you pretend to be a ninja attacking me while I'm going down the dark street. Then you laugh in your own cute way and you start telling me all about your day like we've been doing this all our lives and will never get sick of it. I love how we see each other every day, we talk, chat and we still have so many things to say when we see each other. I love how whenever I look at you, even when you're in the middle of your sentence, you lean close and kiss me before you continue with your story. You do it so gently and like a habit that it makes me want to send you away right now before I can realize how head over heels I am for you, or better yet to send you away so you can come back as soon as possible. None of those can happen. And I am yet to realize how much it means to me to have you in every day even for a few seconds and to have you call me just to wish me a good night and sweet dreams. I'm going to miss those kisses, you know. Not the passionate ones, though they are quite unforgettable as well. But I'm going to miss all the little things you do that come natural without you even having to think of them. Like that nose thing we have with the funny noise I always make and the way you laugh and that childish smile appears on your otherwise so serious face. 
You know, I never really thought a smile can light up someone's face for real. But with you it does. You have that one smile when you're happy, that other one for when you're enjoying something, another when I'm being ridiculous and you're loving me for it, another quite hidden one for when you're stalking me and you think I don't pay attention. I might as well say that I love the way you love me without even trying to. It means the world to me... All of this. Like it or not, we are a big part of who the other is. And I for one can't possibly bring myself to regret it even the slightest. 

03 март, 2015

our time is running out

I should be counting stars. Instead I'm counting days. You're calling just to confirm our plans and I can hear the smile in your voice as you say my name and want to talk more but you know I'm out with someone. Then you come and hug me for hello and we start kissing and just can't let go for a few minutes. I love it when you pause the show for me. It used to annoy you that I'd get up and pause it. Now you don't want me to miss a thing. There is something in that sentence there.
There's nothing better than having him hold me while I sleep. The way he kisses my hair and gently touches my skin while I'm falling asleep. Heaven would be nothing without him. I love the familiarity of it all. I can walk around completely naked or wearing his T-shirt with my hair a tangled mess, no make up on and basically looking ridiculous and he'd still smile and kiss me with that smile gently on his lips. And the way he kissed my nose when I told him my hands were both full so I had to press the elevator button somehow. You're so sweet when you're sleepy and your voice sounds like a purr in my ear. Then I put I shirt on so I can walk you to the door, you call the elevator and come back to kiss me again and again until it comes and then you really have to go. And it all comes so natural and as easy as breathing. 
I have this epic idea that I planned today a little bit and I can't wait to actually do my research tomorrow and turn it into reality. You inspire me and I'm proud of you. And I really hope you do find what you're looking for and you're not disappointed in any way. But even if you are, I'm still here for you. And I will be counting stars, days, nights, dreams, hours, heartbeats... Oh, I'm going to miss falling asleep to the steady beating of your heart next to me. But it's okay. Because if it's meant to be, it will be no matter what.

02 март, 2015

beautiful with you

You're hugging me with the same hands you were leaving marks on his skin before. I cannot for the life of me believe how can you still talk to me and pretend to be my friend and care after all of this. And then the way you were trying to talk to him and starting to insult him when he ignored you... Well that was pathetic. I can be wrong about people, I guess. 
Otherwise it was so inspiring to be on the rehearsal and hear them play and sing. I felt a part of something bigger even if I was only taking pictures for the upcoming concert. And later on, when someone grabbed the guitar and started playing and singing lame songs, it was so much fun. I really wish I could take pictures with my eyes sometimes and to be able to catch those moments of inspiration with all the colors they bring to my otherwise crazy world. This week was a marathon and there are fourteen more to come. He's right, I do need to take care of a lot of things while he's away.
What's even more inspiring is seeing him play the piano and sing that epic song. I swear I couldn't take my eyes off him. And then when he tried to play the guitar and immediately figured out what similarities it had to the piano, so he was able to learn some basic stuff for only a few minutes. I can hardly picture him not being good at something. 
My bed feels so big even after one night with him sleeping peacefully beside me and holding me.  I love having breakfast with you while watching some TV show and making us tea just so we can forget about it and drink it an hour later. And walking around the room just wearing your T-shirt makes me feel like a superhero wearing her costume. It feels like a second skin, like a part of me. I feel the same way when you're holding me. Also, hearing you sing to me that I'm "amazing just the way I am" is one of the cutest most cheesy things in the world. Yes, I can hug you tomorrow, because you're not going anywhere... yet. The rainbow and the stairs. Having the weekend all to myself and with hardly getting out of bed has been a dream come true. I will indeed do things right this time not because I have to (though that is true as well) but because we both know we can and I really want to.