30 април, 2015

mental note

Защото ми чупиш света когато най-малко го очаквам. И правиш планове, в които ме има. Но това не ми е бъдещето. Поне вече не е. Или може би никога не е било. Все пак най-добре лъжа себе си... Това не значи нищо, минало ми е, само си играем. 
I'm the high light of your day. But not by choice. I'm in your plans because someone else can't be. That's the echo I hear in your words. But you can't see that. It's too dark for you around me most of the time. You're the dreamer, I am the ashes of one. You shouldn't be telling me things like that. It is a bit too easy for me to like your ideas of our future and that future can't be real. Not until you make up your mind and you erase all the ghosts once and for all. And we both know you don't want to do that. You still like all your past ideas like I like mine. 
Because if I let this idea run around in my mind without stopping it, I'll start thinking that you're yet again falling in love with me. But we've done that. I went too far back already with everything. I'm not even where I started. I can't keep going back and thinking things will change. I need to move forward, even if it's so slow it barely counts as a movement. And I can't believe what I want to be true anymore. 
Yes, it would have been great, all of it. But soon you will have another idea. And I can't blame you for it, because it's one of the things I love about you. 
I won't say this. Not to you anyway because it means too much. But please don't make plans for us, especially if you're still not sure if you want there to be an "us". Or even if you do, don't tell me your plans. It sounds like you're falling in love with me all over again. But that's not the case. That is not my story, not anymore and I can't bare to have to live through its end again. You will soon prove me right for all the ghosts and all the nightmares. And I can't fight that. I can't survive another plane crash, as Owen says, and we have always been one. Or more you and her had been one and I'm the collateral damage. Too much thinking, I know. I just... Because of conversations like the one we had tonight and what you said afterwards I'm having a hard time accepting the reality where you and I just happened to need someone and no one else was around. And really, there was nothing more to it. The rest I made up like I always do. 

28 април, 2015

so much more aware

"Ти и глупавата ти мания да бъдеш всичко, което ми харесва..."
The idea of running away and forgetting who I am and where I came from sounds really tempting at the moment. I'm seriously wondering why am I doing any of the things I do and what is the point in all of it. It's not going to change anything. I will always be this close and never close enough. And the ghost that you're probably dying to dream of is always going to be my worst nightmare, like it was the other night when I had to relive yet again some pleasant memories from back in the day.
I guess I should have learnt by now to live with ghosts and to fight them simply because no one else will do that for me, as much as I want that. It's the same with my insanity. I guess the two are connected somehow.
Those are my drafts from the last couple of days. I've been silent. I don't want to be. I want peace and quiet and time to enjoy myself in the comfort of my own room. One day I hate it all, the other I realize I made it this way. One day I want to disappear and the other I want to stay and fight. I'm still me, I guess. Always so full of contradictions. I only know black and white, there is no grey for me.
My schedule is full of things to do. I have essays to write, projects to think of, presentations, exams are right around the corner. I'm doing my best, you know. As always. It might not be enough most days, but it's all I can do not to drown in my insanity.
Sometimes I think that's exactly what I need.

12 април, 2015

as if I would need any of that

Question of the year - how did I get from there to here? Since I'm home and I said I'd use this as a therapy, I thought I'd look into my many memory boxes and see what I might find there. There were wish books, drama, tears, gossip, love letters and what not. Now things are ten times worse and I'm ten times more broken and damaged. I'd seriously go back to the past if I could. I'd fight harder for some and give up easily on others. I read Lzzy's letter to her younger self and I've been meaning to write one too but I'm still the same idiot with no idea how my life's going to turn out and if I will even make it to the distant future without going completely insane. All the optimism, right?!
Well, I've realized two things from my trip down memory lane - I the most awesome idiot on the planet. I've had my fair share of stupidity, but also moments of  awesomeness. And I've alwats cared too much about people. I've always needed them more than they needed me. For me having that one special someone means I can have the world, but without that special someone the world means nothing. Yes, I know. That's everything wrong with this world, and with me mostly. 
I remember a time when I wanted to first have a career and then family. Somewhere down the line that changed. I mean, I want it all and I want it now. I am made of contradictions. I want to be alone, but I want to belong to someone and for someone to belong to me. I wand to be independent, but I want to have someone to lean on. Maybe that's what's wrong with me and only a bunch of cats can be happy around me. I've had enough drama and disappointments to last a lifetime. I make the same mistakes and I never learn. I keep wanting what I can't possibly have. And all the reasons why I can't have it are so stupid that it's like I'm Karma's favourite joke. I'm everything he wants, but he can't feel it. We would have been perfect if he didn't live halfway across the country. He doesn't mind having me around but has some other plans for his future. He doesn't even know me, but things I can be the last woman in his life. He'd have given me the world if only I wasn't too friendzoned. That other story could have been epic if I wasn't so completely wrong about him. 
Notice the 'ifs'. Things could have been so much better, so different. If things were okay here, he wouldn't have to go halfway across the world. If she hadn't broken him so completely, he would have been my everything. If I hadn't been so scared I would have said something. But I didn't, she didn't and he didn't. Sometimes I wonder if I'm made up of all the mistakes I've made, or all the things I should have had, but didn't. Other times I don't want to be defined by what I've lost and I come up with my own definitions. Truth is, I can barely recognise myself, I hardly know what I'm going to do in the next few months or how things are going to turn out, but no scenario predicts a happy ending for me. So mostly, I'm trying to give up the things I so desperately want before they get taken away. I am a footnote in my own story. And just a random name in theirs. Nobody would write a book about me. No one cares about the third person in a relationship. And here I thought I could be the one. That has never been my story and it never will be, because by the time I get there, I won't be a princess, I won't be a hero, I will be a shadow, a ghost, a memory of who I was supposed to be. Sad, huh? Well, who cares anyway...

10 април, 2015

sorry ever after

I've been sitting for the last half an hour thinking about it. I have no idea why I think I can solve this, since it's in your head, not mine. But I've seen all over again how perfect we can be and that is what messes up with my mind. You see it too, but you still don't want it. Yes, you have your reasons but when I'm close those reasons don't seem to matter...
I never learn my lessons. I think that if I'm good to people, they will be good to me. It doesn't really work that way. And it sucks, you know. Everybody lies. Everybody does things that end up hurting someone else. People are stupid and selfish. I know I am...
I'm finally home. It was a long ride, but I somehow made it. Funny thing, it's always scary as hell but I always make it and I'm still terrified every time I have to do it. There are days when I'm perfectly okay, and others when I'm literally sitting on the edge between normalcy and insanity waiting to see which way the wind is going to push me. 
Wearing his T-shirt sure helps in keeping me safe. Issues. Insanity suits me most of the time. If only it had no name. But it does. And I'm always on that edge. It's become a permanent part of my life now. You're not trying to hurt me, you're not trying to get back to her... You just can't let go. I can't compete with that. I can't do anything about it. I can simply sit and enjoy all of this while it lasts and pretend it's not killing me. There are no pieces left to be broken. There's nothing to fix. I am the ocean. I am nothing. I need to be nothing for a really long time before I can decide what something I want to be. Fia's words. 
I could run, you know. Leave you behind. It won't be easy, but it's an option. But I'm not a quitter. I don't quit on people, I don't leave them behind. That might be my biggest mistake, but I will keep doing it. And you want to know why I keep giving chances to people? Because I have no more chances for myself. I've given up on that pathetic version of myself entirely. I'm waiting for the old wild one to come back. And by the looks of it, it will. Because then the two permanent scars of my life will be around to finish me. It sure is something to look forward to, I know. 
Well, it's just the way my life is - always this close something and never quite close enough. 

06 април, 2015

start the car and take me home

Somehow I can't wait for tomorrow to come. More specifically for the end of the day when hopefully I will not have gone crazy and will be home to my family. I could really use the distraction and the distance from the never-ending things I am supposed to do here like homework, presentations, projects. Well, I did take enough homework with me to last the week, but it will be for fun, in a very masochistic kind of way. Plus I plan on drinking tea, reading books, listening to my new playlist of old epic songs and hopefully writing. 
I can't believe how far I am from what used to be normal for me. I am so far away from the girl that jumped on the bus without her parents knowing and going to see a boy who hardly cared enough about her. It was a long time ago. And it was an epic part of my story. But it is above all still my story. Also, it is my insanity. I need to remember that I will survive one way or the other. It takes time and effort, but what doesn't. And I was never a fan of the easy. I love the hard road and the storm. I love being out in the middle of it with the rain pouring all over me. That's how I know I'm alive. I just need to make some changes in my negative way of thinking and it will all get better. 
I couldn't imagine a day without him around and here I am doing what I want with him being so far away. Of course, I hear him every night, but it's not the same. It's better for one simple reason - I get to be my own savior. I am slowly and painfully learning to save myself from my own thoughts and my messed up brain that too often plays tricks on me. If it wasn't so scary sometimes, it would make a great book. Well, it still might because mostly I use my own experience in my writing and turn it into some fictional character's story, but that's my way of living through my words. 
There is greatness in being strong and not giving up in the face of fear. There is greatness in taking chances and risks, in being brave. That's exactly the way my life has always been. There is always something to scare me and make me braver, stronger, better. Plus, I am my worst enemy, so this is the most important and terrifying fight in my life so far. Every day is another fight and I win most days, others I stay in bed all day gathering all my strength. And I know I should regret all my choices that led me here, but I could never do such a thing, because they made me who I am, for better or for worse. I choose to believe it's for the better. Who knows? I guess I have all the time in the world to figure it out. 

04 април, 2015

It wouldn't be love if it didn't

I guess I won another little battle today. A sleepless night leads to figuring out a few scenes from a book and getting the chance to be half awake thinking and half asleep actually living in the story. In a way my inspiration is trying really hard to get back to me. 
I keep hearing those epic speeches about how people imagine their life and the person they wanted to be. I realize I'm the only one that stands in my way. I've been letting things happen for so long that I sort of did that with my writing as well. But I have plenty of time to change that. 
Who knew even basic acting could be so much fun? We have this class were we reenact old English plays the way they were supposed to be - performed, not read. It's inspiring my director's skills or the lack of any, actually. Well, I did write some scripts back then with a friend. And half of my writing comes from directing scenes and actions. 
It's really helpful to have people believe in you. And also, to see one of them, who is really special, to be living his dream. It makes me want to live mine too and to have faith in the future the way I did before. Only back then I thought my present would last forever. Then things changed, leading us to today. Where things are different and the same in a way. Only now I am not certain about anything. So I'm scared because I liked my future the way it was supposed to be. I hate how different it seems now. Sometimes I think what led us here, what caused all that happened. But I guess it wasn't one big thing, but many little ones. I guess I need to stop thinking about the future and focus on the present if I am to have the future I dream of someday far from now. 
It's so weird to be afraid of what may come. I wasn't scared before but after losing my eternity all I can possibly be is scared. I've become a spectator in my own life. That s about to end any day now, I hope. The world belongs to be.
And hopefully one day you will be making me coffee while I'm writing in my blog about the way your eyes change their color when the rays of the sun touch them. It's the future I want, you know. And the one I deserve. But it might not be the future I get. Who knows, right?!

01 април, 2015

hello april

The first fourth of the year is gone. Time really flies sometimes, huh. The other day I was just about to get into SU and next year I have a state's exam to prep for. The other day I was an animator playing all day with the kids and now I can barely go out thanks to all the homework I have. I miss that time, you know?
Last night we went to see a friend in a historical play in the theater and I was so happy to see him living his dream and knowing when he got inspired to follow exactly that dream. I'm so proud of him. He really is great and I can't wait to see him again on stage.
I guess my dream limit ended somewhere back in time. Or more like my desire to follow one. I'm sitting here, exactly as I did three years ago. Only now my future is not as certain as it was back then. I was careless, I took it all for granted. And the book thing disappointed me, so I kind of quit doing what I loved most. Then I tried again, but other things happened. I guess somewhere down the line the not so important things replaced the most important. Sometimes I wonder what would have been if I did things differently. If one thing I said, or one thing I did made it all so bad. It can't be, because it takes two usually, or three in my case, sort of.
I had a future back then. I knew exactly what I wanted and I wasn't going to settle for anything less. Now I agree with anything and avoid the fight. Yes, I'm a hero everyday for making it out of my room, but still. I want the world. I want him and the writing. It will be a pretty damn awesome world if I can have them for at least one lifetime. More, if I get a say in it all. It's a bit of a wishful thinking, considering all my experience with wanting things and not having them the way I want to.
My point is, I will dream big again. If I can be a hero any day of the week, I can sure as hell fight for all the things that I want. I'm not blaming my insanity on anyone, but they took enough from me in many ways. And they'd give anything to see me fall and lose it all again. Some made sure I do. So no one but me has a say anymore in what happens to me. It's my damn life and it's my damn choice. Even if the world keeps ending a little bit every single day, I'd still want it all. And I'd be damned before I let anyone mess with my world ever again. 
It's good to have a definition of the world again. It makes it real. Yes, things fell apart in both cases and people let me down. But I have all the chances on the world, because if I give up on those two things, I basically give up on myself. And I won't do that again. I'm not that kind of person. I fight, I swim and I rise from the ashes with fire in my veins. At least I hope I can be half as brave as I am right now. Being brave is half the battle after all.