25 май, 2015

ще те разхвърлям
ти ме подреждай
правите линии
по които пиша накриво
когато аз чета текста
а ти слушаш музиката
за следите не говорим
тях не ги вижда никой
дори видимите
най-добре се преструваме
че ни (ги) няма
връзката прекъсва
и свеща угасва
на тъмно трудно се спи
от призраци и липси
затова подреждам те
за да ме разхвърляш ти

24 май, 2015

twisting my delusions

You don't get to complain. You don't get to stay in bed all day feeling sorry for yourself. You don't get to blame anyone but yourself for what happened and what is still happening to you. You chose this and you may not have known what you were choosing exactly, but it was your choice anyway. So whatever happens, it will still be your own fault. Yes, things happen to us. People happen to us. But it's life and it sucks. Still, you can't just stay in your bed. You can't go back to old habits and start messing your life yet again. It was too much of a mess the last time and it took a lot to fix it to at least some relatively normal state. But that falling apart can't happen again, because this time there won't be fixing. There won't be anything left to fix. Not that there was the last time but still...
So next time you feel like never getting out of bed, smoking, drinking, giving up, remember that it's your own damn life and you decide if you're going to let this happen to you all over again. Which you did. You made your own bed and now you will lay in it and you will enjoy it. Or you will get some sense into your pretty little head and you'll fix things once and for all by stepping out of this equation. Every damn time you let them put you in the shadow, make you smaller, insignificant, invisible, remember that you are also making yourself that way by believing them and by letting them have a say in your own story. Because it hadn't felt like your story in a long time. And because people always leave but you stay every damn time and even hope for them to come back and break you yet again. Because life is hard already but you're begging them to make it even harder as if that's going to do you any good. Yes, you wanted for things to change for the better. You wanted them to realize that you matter. But they don't define you. People don't define you. You define yourself. If you let them decide, you might as well quit now. But if you still have the strength to stand on your own two feet one way or the other and you are insane enough to make your choice and let them walk all over you again, then you damn well deserve whatever it is that happens to you or they do to you. Because you knew better and yet you chose to be a dreamer and wish for the impossible. If you can do that, then you're asking for whatever comes next. And you may not survive it, but you know that and you think it's worth it, so keep going. Keep doing the same mistake, keep giving them chances to turn you into ashes. After all I'm going to be the one picking you up and the only good thing about this is that I know we've been through worse. And I know it can get so much worse than that but I respect your choices even when they are mistakes waiting to happen and I have no other choice but to stand by you when things fall apart once again.
Because I am you. But telling things to someone else is a lot easier. It creates the comfortable distance my subconsciousness needs to not torture me daily for doing what I'm doing. I deserve whatever happens, because I was stupid enough to go back to all the ghosts. I'm trying to prepare for what will come next but I don't know if I can possibly do so. I need to know for sure and there's no one to tell me. So I'm stuck in this yet again. A whole year passed and I'm still stuck between the past and the present of your life, not mine. And I really hope you figure it out once and for all because I can't seem to make the right decision for myself and walk away the way I did a while ago. But how can one step away from you ever be anything but a step in the wrong direction?
Well, ignorance has always been my bliss. Lying to myself is what I do best, so that's what I'm going to do to convince the ghosts to leave me alone. And in two months hopefully I will have all the answers and I won't be stuck anymore. Though with my luck, there won't ever be a way out for me.

07 май, 2015

lose it all

But it wouldn't be my world without you in it
Мога да пиша цяла вечер за всичките съвпадения, които ме свързват с теб от моя до твоя рожден ден, до нея и него. С магията в числата ще си построя замък, с всичките мечти ще го изрисувам отвън и отвътре, за да ни отива на тъмнината в душата и светлината в сърцето. Толкова съм изградена от противоположности, че понякога сама не се търпя. Исках да си намеря границите преди много дълго време. Все още ги търся. Понякога ми ги поставят разни други хора. Друг път ги руша, и моите и техните. Мисля, че именно със загубата на граници достигнах до тук. Затова сега ги ценя, поставям ги внимателно. Обичам да си подреждам хаоса. Докато не се намери какво да ми го обърка. 
Sometimes it's all I want. For the peace and quiet to disappear. But I've had enough loudness to last a lifetime. I bet you can turn my world upside down without making a sound. It's what you do. I wonder what is it that I do to you. Besides piss you off and bite your ears, I mean. Inside joke. I think I'm learning the best lesson anyone can hope to ever learn - you can handle everything on your own, no matter what. But it's okay to let your people take care of you when it's too hard. It's good to be home. Not that I've been calling it home for real, but it feels homey, even when my room is no longer my room and my mom moves my things all the time, so it looks clean and neat. Still I do believe home is not really a place but a feeling of being safe and loved. After all, it's what everyone needs. 
Well, I should say it. My boy has a birthday today! I already told him all my wishes but what I missed was that I want to be the one who holds his hand when he's having a hard time and I want to be the one that hugs him when he's on top of the world. I want him to be just as awesome, kind and to believe in the best in people. I will be there to see the bad and protect him from it. I think he knows that already anyway. Some things go without saying, you know. Like those three...

05 май, 2015

chasing cars

I can survive this. All of it. I know sometimes I think I can't but those are just the dark thoughts, my insanity. Truth be told, I'm not insane at all. It's just my way of hiding all the things that I can't fix, no matter how hard I try. It isn't even a choice, you know? What I'm doing, I mean. It's what I've been doing my whole life - getting by against all odds.
I keep trying to prove that I matter. When I write my book, things will get better. When I graduate, when he comes back...
My thoughts had been all over the place these days, so no writing for me. I plan on fixing some of the chaos tomorrow, because it's time. Also, I started this thing and I really want it to work, so I will go with whatever it suggests and hopefully will be able to fix myself if that's even possible. 
Yes, I'm scared. I know I can survive, but the thing about life is what dies within you while you are still alive and so much of me has died that I am trying to safe whatever else I've got. You will ruin me once again. He will help in the process. It's just something that is meant to be just like I wrote it back then. I will try and write my own story among other things. The idea seems useful and it's about time I faced my inner subconscious ideas. Maybe that's where I lost myself in the first place. 
For the first time in a long time I feel like there's hope for me. Probably because I played with the little little kittens Asha gave birth to and they were so cute I got entoxicated. I'm going to make a new inspiring playlist and I'm going to kick my exams' behinds and I will no longer try to prove anything to anyone but myself. 
It's my damn future and it's about time I did something about it, starting with all the papers I need to write and all the books I need to read. I can't change the past and I don't really have a say in what happens in the future but what I can do is sit down and do what I'm supposed to so I can at least have something when it all goes down in flames yet again, because it's simply a theme of my life. 
I feel like changing my hair colour, dancing in the rain or buying clothes to mark the sudden change and the inspiration that follows.