26 август, 2015

scream it loud

I'm gathering your things for the second time. That's what I was doing last year at the same time, I think - getting rid of anything that might remind me of you. It was a long process then. Now most things I'm giving back to you because I don't need the reminder and the rest are going in the box I have for you. That's what happens to the people that leave, they become a ghost living inside a box so I can also lock them up in one of the darkest places of my soul (or what is left of it). You're not a box I want to open or even remember. I know things I shouldn't have and I wish I'd run away right after we got back after that summer or maybe after new year's eve. But I guess back then I would never be able to even imagine how wrong you will turn out to be. I was your in-between girl and you were my forever boy. Well forever ain't as long, you know.
Good thing is I'm over with the whole packing thing and I plan on seeing you only if you insist and when there are other people around so you don't have a chance to say something and mess me up. I'm better without you. 
He keeps sending me his music and he has no idea it's my thing to connect people with the music they listen to and then listen to it and try and figure them out. Of course, he is a mystery yet to be uncovered. I'm starting to see it and to like it a little bit too much. I'll try and be careful this time. Because I lit a cigarette in order to avoid some other dark places tonight. And I don't smoke anymore, so that is saying something. 
I still have my wardrobe to take care of and to do some working tomorrow but I also have plans with friends, so it should be a fun day. I feel more myself then I did a month ago. Just give me some more time and I will be exactly who I was supposed to be a while back. And then when I'm done with the tape and the glue you're going to wish you never walked out of my life because I lost an idiot who maybe never even loved me and you lost someone who would have turned the world upside down for you. 
I want to surround myself with people who are worth the effort and won't bail when the next thing comes along. It's not the same as last year, you know. I'm different. I'm better and I know I can survive without him in my life. I've been doing so for a lot longer than I thought. He was a ghost too. Someone who lived with me and made memories with me but was never completely honest and mine. He wanted to be some place else, with someone else. I thought that was my fault but if you don't love someone, you don't stay with them just so you're not alone. You find it in yourself to let them be free and find that other someone who is going to love them the way they deserve and the way you never could or did. Everything else is... Well the reason why I drowned. 

25 август, 2015

everything louder, louder

Не откачих. Но следих маршрутката през целия път на връщане и Айлин трябва да ме набие за това. Но пък толкова. Върнах се на моята си вълна. Сериали, музика, храна - заслужена почивка от първия изпит. Гледат ми се филми, стои ми се на тъмно със пуснати само цветните лапмички, чете ми се книга цяла вечер. Твърде ми е много вдъхновението, а малко времето и не го разпределям правилно.
Искам света и горя! I'm not nothing, I'm anything I want to be. I'm not the ocean and I'm not drowning - I'm flying! Така де, давя се само в собствената си прекрасност.
Thanks to him randomly sending me some songs and mixes I have a lot of music to listen to tomorrow. I made plans to see friends, to do some cleaning and reordering. I survived another day and being a hero wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Maybe I'm getting good at it. Surprisingly I started getting better when I started thinking of him more often. I guess the best drug for a person is another person. I'd surely like to drown in the scent of your perfume. I'd let you take away my breath, make it uneven, make it stop completely. I'd only want to taste a cigarette from your lips.
Най-обикновените моменти най-силно ти спират дъха. Като ти свалят звезди, кажат ти пауза на разговора, как дишането е надценявано, но пък е перфектният начин да останеш жив, как се свети с телефона към звездите, за да се видят, как му бие сърцето, как си прави вълничка с ръката, как се пропуска метеорния дъжд, когато ти мърка сутрин, касиопея, излизането за по цигара, което трае два часа, как обичаше винаги да прокарва пръсти по ръката ми, дори когато говори с някой, за да знам, че е с мен; колко трудно ти беше да ми казваш каквото и да е и ми повтаряше името по три пъти, спасявах те, 11-ти е, ставай; или като описвахме замъка и животните, разговорите на английски в 5 сутринта, или спането на терасата; като се обади, за да ме чуеш, а не да питаш дали е вярно; падащите звезди и островчето на реката. 
Толкова малки и незначителни моменти, а ще живеят вечно. Искам света! И повече от мечтателите, които са ми оставили следи. Може да ми спират дъха и да ми навяват носталгия, но са моменти, които са ме карали да се чувствам истински жива. Те може би никога няма да го узнаят, но винаги ще ми обръщат света. Простичко казано, аз имам нужда някой да ми обръща света и без това. Сама ми е скучно, правила съм го твърде много пъти. Но ако го правя пак, искам този път наистина да си струва. Сега парещите следи са видимо изчезнали, но днес не напразно следих маршрутката с насълзени очи. Винаги ще има значение. И всяка дума след това ще продължава да ми разбива илюзиите на миналото и ще е нов призрак. Знам, че не трябва да чета и да искам да знам, но ако не го правя, ще спра да вярвам на истината и пак ще си повярвам в лъжата. Защото себе си лъжа най-добре. Или мен са лъгали твърде добре. 
People are stupid! And so am I for having such faith in them. Ако можех да съм си достатъчна и да не ми трябват вечности и множествени числа... Всъщност може би не ми. Прост досега не съм имала шанса да го осъзная. Но ти ми пращай музика и продължавай да ми допълваш идеите. Тъкмо съм започнала пак да градя стъкления замък, за да има какво да счупиш. Защото ми закачаше конците, докато той ги дърпаше, но не се осмели да направиш нищо повече. А вече не съм принцеса и не вярвам в чудеса. 
Добре де, щастлив пост е почти. Просто ме гони носталгията по онова, което е било и е можело да бъде. Ако пушех, бих си запалила цигара. Но не ми трябва още напомняне защо не си допушвам цигарите, защо кафето ми е или с много захар или без, защо музиката ми се дели не на стилове, а на хора и защо някои места и спират дъха. 

24 август, 2015

eyes on fire

Turns out sleep deprivation really raises the stress levels back to my usual dose. Two nights in a row of that is going to be a blast. I have an exam tomorrow so I should be sleeping but my roommate is not here, I didn't ask my mom to come so I got only myself as company and that most of the time is enough. But I keep doubting my own strength as usual. I guess that was the scary part my therapist warned me about. After the exam is over I will be much more comfortable until the next one. 
In fact, I've been feeling the need to do some reordering of my stuff in our box of a room to make the change more obvious. I feel different. The insanity is trying to keep me down but I was invincible only a day ago and I still remember how good that felt. 
Instead I would very much like to write about the way his perfume could be all over my hair and his hands all over my skin. His lips on mine. I feel strangely manipulated into having all those ideas in my head being placed there for the sole purpose to torture me. I'll like it a bit too much which is not what I should be doing at all. I'm supposed to be getting better, bot going back to relationships and attachments. 
Oh, and being back feels good because I left things back home that I don't need anymore. I also gathered the reminders of us and I plan on putting them in a box and returning the rest back to you. I don't need anything more to remind me of the last year when everything you did was probably a lie or a way to make yourself feel better. Whichever it was, I don't need such bad energy around me. 
I need to make room for new memories, new people and new lovers. I should have done that a long time ago but better late than never, right? I needed us to fail once again because of you in order to realize I was never the problem. 
I plan on finding myself some new music to listen to, read a book or two, finish the draft of Dark Angel yet again and actually start writing. And maybe find time to study for my other exams. I also have plans to see a lot of people. I just need two days to get comfortable with my own company. Wish me luck, because being your own hero sure can be hard most of the time.

22 август, 2015

build the cities

I said I won't be writing anymore about it but I need to let it out and be done with it. I was the one who did all those things for someone who couldn't care less to even admit that he never really cared and just used me as some sick replacement for what he couldn't have at the moment. Now I'm the one who can blow up both their lives but I won't. Let them make their own hell and live in it. 
I know in time none of this will matter. But it hurts sometimes to look at a picture and see the ghost of someone else who should have been in your place. It's like it was someone else's life, all of it. Like it happened to someone else and it's not my life and my memories. It feels like I'm watching from a distance and I was never really there. 
Well, that happened. I'm not on the edge anymore. I'm not drowning, I'm not fighting. I'm finding my way and it feels good. Who knew people were really just a Hi away. I sure as hell didn't. Some bridges I burn, some I take care of. And I burn the bridges to build the cities. Because you are more than just a great taste in music and I wish you could see yourself through my eyes sometimes, even without my newly acknowledged feelings for you, I've always considered you to be damaged but a survivor. I like survivors, they may fear things but they hardly ever show it and beneath the tough mask to take off, they are even more amazing to be around. If they let you, that is. 
I miss how you'd call me in the middle of the night for a smoke and we'd go out in the cold and sit there for like two hours talking. I want more of that. And more of you. I know I shouldn't but I've been trying to hold myself back for too long. I want it all and I want it now, you know. And I'm not going to change my mind, like someone else or simply find something better to do. I've been thinking about this for way too long and trying to hide or deny it. 
My summer break is almost over. Tomorrow is my last day of freedom before the exams and the real test for my new awesome and unbreakable self. It's both exciting and scary at the same time but I've been through worse, I guess. Plus, I got plans with friends and the fun awaits.

21 август, 2015

and it's enough

I can't believe it took me this long to realize it all. Anything I did, anything that happened to me is something only I have to live with. I'm the one that has to go to bed with it, wake up in the morning with and well, deal with the entire day. No one else can do that for me, so no one else can tell me what to do and what not to do. And even if it's stupid, childish, wrong, if it makes me feel good in a way, then why not do it? The people that love me will love me even if I am an idiot sometimes. 
If I'm all I've got at the end of the day, I better make sure it's what I want as well. It's enough for now but I got plenty of time to make something out of the pieces I got left after all the circles of hell are over. I'm done painting my hell. I will paint beautiful pictures instead, I will capture them with my camera, in my words and around my friends. Life is too damn short to be living in the past with all the things that happened, could have or should have happened. They did ot didn't for one or another reason and maybe it's for the best. And I'll never know anyway. Because it doesn't matter. There is no going back, so any thinking about it is quite pointless. 
I want to slap myself when I think of all the time I spent dwelling on the past and trying to fix broken things when I could have been enjoying all the good things I already have. It's another lesson, I guess. And at some point, it was exactly what I wanted and maybe even needed. And that's okay. I am a work in progress and I can't wait to amaze the world with my awesomness. But above all, I guess I would like to amaze myself because I kept thinking that I couldn't do this and that. It's all a frame, a box I've been trying to fit into and I was never born to fit in but to stand out and shine.

18 август, 2015

wicked games

Sharing quotes, hating the guys that ruined our make up, messed up our beds, lives and even our thoughts, broke our hearts. We will be better for it. Scared, scarred, but loving even more fiercely once we get over our issues. Hopefully someone will be okay with that and will be worth it. Until then let the fun begin because we are 22 and we are at the top of the world screaming for the happiness we know we deserve. 
This is my way of avoiding to write about him and how I promissed not to talk to him today and I broke that promise. Tomorrow I will be stronger, I hope. That doesn't mean I don't want this. I do. I am just willing to be patient and enjoy it all. Whatever happens, you know!
And I've been drawing myself some lines which I intend not to cross anymore. It will only hurt some more and I don't need this kind of negativity in my new life. On the other hand I should be studying but I can't find the desire to do so. I guess I will have to do so tomorrow. The perfect way to stay away from the laptop and having the insane idea that he's waiting for me to text him. Nope, it's his turn. I never quit and I always get what I want eventually. I want him! And I feel like an addict, so I am admitting my problem in the vain hope it disappears and knowing it won't. Because I've been holding myself and my feelings for him back for way too long and now I am letting them drown my freshly sane thoughts. Who am I kidding, anyway!? I'm in love with my insanity. Because the only way to stop it is to look for breath-taking moments with awesome people and that sure is a great way to be spending my time. He sure can take my mind off any kind of insanity or drown me in it all at once. 
The things I will do to you, if you let me. If I even wait for any permission at all. Well, turns out I'm too bad for the good guys and still too good for the bad ones. I am willing to change that and go for bad. It suits me perfectly and who wants a good guy when you can have a bad and broken boy loving you for the broken soulless idiot that you are. 

17 август, 2015

friendzoned

Seeing old friends is magic. You tell each other all the things you've missed on and you catch up and you see how far you've all gotten. It's a good thing to realize that you are no longer who you used to be and that some bad things may have happened but you are still that epic person who was brave and did what you wanted.
So I kind of blew it. I'd very much like to write a whole post on all the little details about him that I never noticed before. I swear, I've known him for the bigger part of my life and it's like I'm seeing him for the first time. But I knew this would happen. I just never allowed myself to go there because I knew going back won't be easy. Hell, it never is. Now I'd very much like to become blind again, for all the things I am now seeing. I don't want to have ideas, I don't want to want anything. I'm the ocean and I am still figuring out what something I want to be. But you did save me once, even if it was in a dream. And it's thatks to you that I got that smile I forgot about, so whatever happens (or in this case doesn't) is okay.
The lack of sleep isn't helping me at all to be rational and to not do or say stupid things. I want this! I guess that's what matters.

14 август, 2015

never get to heaven


Surprisingly I'm not numb and I'm not hurt. I'm not disappointed. I used to be. But now I'm the ocean and I can't drown anymore. I can drown everything else around me. Or burn it. Whichever I feel like. I feel more myself than ever for the first time in a long time. Not the dark me, not the desperate numb me that I'm quite frankly afraid of, but the me that dares to make plans, dreams of adventures and nothing can stand in her way. That me I love so much!
They are all responsible for bringing me back to my old self - my friends. Some may not know it, but they matter so much and I love them all! Especially my sister, because she's amazing and I know she will read this and smile! 
This doesn't mean there won't be days that I will find it hard to breathe again. Or that I won't be in my bed all day wondering if there's even a point to get up at all. It means that afterwards I will be strong again. This circle of hell that you're trying to create (hopefully unconsciously) is not for me. It's for you and you will drown in it. You may not know how wrong all this is, but someday hopefully you will realize it. Or not. What do I care? You're finally not my problem anymore and it's not my job to take care of you and the mess you're creating. 
Some things should be left to the course of nature or something. So maybe I should stop thinking about it and just enjoy whatever happens. 

12 август, 2015

wartune

Another dream and a couple more ideas that make me unable to sit still. The more I don't want to think about it and act on it, the worse the temptation gets. I have that smile again. And the tingling feeling of excitement and a bit of danger coming my way. It's exactly what I needed in so many ways and it's something I've been tempted by for a long time now. The one good thing about going to hell a little too many times is knowing you can survive, even if everything is turned against you. And that lesson took me too much time to learn. 
Just when I think I got you all figured out you prove me wrong. I've always loved people who are a mystery and carry some danger around them. The alarms in my head keep warning me and I'm ingoring them. I want this. I'm not sure why, or how it's going to turn out but the more I think about it, the more I realise no thinking is going to make me want it less. It's the opposite - I want it more.
So what if the way could have been special if things were different. They are not and I don't want them to be. I don't want to feel like a second choice all my life. Starting over is a good thing because all you have is opportunities and chances. And I'm not giving up on myself this time. I'm taking care of my own wishes and doing what feels right without too much thinking. 
I want the world - the real one this time. And it's your choice whether to be a part of it or not. I got some of my fire back, so I got nothing to worry about except maybe the exams and the panic, because it will show up again even if it's temporarily absent. 
I should really start going to bed earlier but talking to him makes me want to stay up all night. I'd wish myself some sweet dreams but I already had them today and I'm not that lucky. Or maybe I am now that I matter and I have a say in what happens to me. 

10 август, 2015

it doesn't even matter

вкуса на кафе с липса на захар
напуска устните цигарен дим
разхвърляни по пода дрехи
до подредени купове от книги
сред загубения сън по спомени
следи от обич по кожата
примеси от страст и нежност
на кого му трябва подреденост
които се помнят владеят хаоса
случват ти се, преминават
след себе си ураган оставят
неизказани думи, сбъднати
желания неми, превърнати
в изпушени фасове, разлети
в празната бутилка на масата
удавени вечности, мечти
изгорени несбъднати

повече не ми говори за рай,
сега сама си рисувам ада

i see you

So it was a scary week and an interesting one. I guess I've had enough memories for the summer in this one week. I made so many photos to remember it by. I also made good memories worth remembering and some not so good ones where I kept thinking I will go crazy but that's completely normal by now. I stayed, I survived and nothing bad happened which was a really useful experience. 
I'm still fighting the same battles and I'm in no position to win either of them without losing a lot in the process but if I don't I will lose what little sanity I got left, so it's not a choice really. I need to be my own person and not hide myself in frames, boxes and to have to pretend I'm someone else. Not for you, anyway. You're the one person who's supposed to love me no matter what. That's why you don't know any of my bad habits, my dark thoughts and my black hole of a soul. It's all I got and you telling me how wrong that is won't make it any easier. 
When you do your best to overcome your fears fate gives you another dreamer to hold your hand and cheer you up. Also, it's an awesome feeling getting in touch with old friends. I've missed that so much. Hopefully no insanity will be able to stop me from seeing all of them and making some more good memories because I've had enough bad ones over the last year. And him turning into who he was last year isn't helping. I really thought I meant more than just that. I thought you knew how much you mean to me but I guess you never cared enough to notice. Yet your ghost keeps coming back to me, as if you're not enough and the nightmares are just priceless. I couldn't come up with them on my own even if I wanted to. I don't know how twisted my mind must be. 
And the things I want to be dreaming of are always in my mind, sometimes louder and sometimes just a whisper. And it goes with a song and a quiet warning of all the things that can possibly go wrong and yet the temptation to be wild an free again somehow takes over for just a second long enough to take my breath. Yeah, that sick and that twisted. 
He said it. I got my fire back. I have no idea what made it burn again but it sure feels good. I wonder if I'll be able to actually do the plans I made. And if I'll have the sanity to do them. Hopefully the worst is almost over and the good times are coming my way finally. You know, I don't want to want this but somehow I will regret it if it doesn't happen. But I can't get the alarms to stop. Whatever happens, I guess!
Thanks for showing up when I needed it, stranger. And I really have some awesome friends to fill my boat with!

03 август, 2015

until then

All the boys in my life won't love me but would certainly do other things with me if they ever had the chance. Why is it that they get to only want the benefits and then they call us names and gives us labels? Or maybe it's just me. Anyway, it's the last thing I need right now. I've been doing relatively okay, all things considered. But the idiot figured it was a good day to show up and text me and then be all: "I don't love you, but I want you." Isn't it mean and evil to be talking like that to someone who you used to love and who still in some weird masochistic way loves you? Or am I supposed to just, you know, go with the flow and pretend it's all completely okay? 
Yeah, I know how much she means to you. I know how every damn feeling you have is about her and not me but you should at least have the decency to keep your dirty thoughts to yourself and spare me the endless heartache. And I should be telling you this, but I never do and maybe that's my problem. But why bother? You get it, but you pretend you don't so maybe I can get fooled yet again into believing that maybe this could work and you can magically love me just because I do. Even if that's the case, it won't happen through a friends-with-benefits cycle. 
He was right! I am stupid. I do the same thing over and over hoping it will change something. I won't let myself do that anymore. "I am mine before I am anyone else's!" I won't belong, I won't have a home in the metaphorical sense of the word. But I also won't be a shadow in someone else's life, I will be a fire in my own. I won't be just the ashes of a dreamer anymore, I won't even be a dreamer. I will be the creator of my own happiness! I can't believe it took me this long to say that and mean it. 
And, you know, I am the one! I am the one that did all that for us! I am the one that swam, that fought. Maybe I lost, but I know you lost more even if you don't realize or see it that way. And I am the one my mom gave everything for, and not just for one parent but for two, so don't you dare ever make me feel like I'm some second place option. I'm not a stop on the way, I'm not some warm blanket you get to use when you feel cold. I am the endless nights when I waited, the words I wrote, the tears I've cried, the moments we shared. I lived through them all, even when you weren't there. I get to walk away with my head up, even if my heart is a bit (a lot) bruised. I lived and loved and I will do it again. And it might not be the same but it will be better because to someone out there my words will mean anything, my smile as I look at the fireworks will be the sun in his life. And somehow I pitty you now for you missed all of that. You missed how awesome I am because you were looking back. I can only hope I won't do the same when the right one shows up. (If he even shows up.)

02 август, 2015

littlest things

It turns out that I'm less crazy and more creative when I have things to do. No surprise there. Oh, it's August again - that time of the year when things happened in the past and I relive them as the days come as if they are happening right now. I used to love it, now it's another thing I need to live through and pretend not to care about. Until the lie becomes me, huh. 
I may give up, I may be so over it I can listen to the damn song over and over and watch pictures and do other stuff but I will never ever forgive her the hipocricy and the bitchy smile she pretended to be happy for you and me. I'm not sure why I'm talking to you in that moment, but I guess I miss doing that. I thought we'd be talking more often now that you're back but it's the other way around. And I feel weird calling after our last conversation in Sofia. Well, I miss us, you know. It's been good the past half year. I thought we could have that but I was never the choice. I was what you had left. 
I'm on an edge when it comes to you. I can make all the right choices but when it comes to you, I go all wrong and forget myself. I forget that I matter, that I want things because I made you into the thing I want most, maybe because I knew I could never have you the way I wanted you. 
In the mean time, I have plans, I have hope most of the time and I have the pieces of a future I'm yet to put together. I know I will eventually. I know also that you can ruin all of this for me by holding me yet again close enough to feel better and far enough to make me feel like the last possible choice. Knowing it won't change anything probably, because I usually leap into the hands of my mistakes but maybe this time I won't. Maybe the alarms that keep going off every damn time I'm out will start serving their purpose and warn me not to be so stupid and delusional as to think we have a future. I do, you do, but we can't have one - not like this. We only ever want the ones that don't want us. I don't want you. Want me! But I was never born to belong, was I? To anyone but myself and my writing. Then why can't I remember this when he's talking to me, dammit!?
August, please be good to me and don't smother me with the memories. I know them by heart anyway.
P.S. I got inspired by Lilly Allen - Littlest Things and Love, Rosie - best movie I've seen in a while.

01 август, 2015

do it and do it again

I thought you'd call. You didn't. At least finally I made some plans. I'm slowly figuring it out and deciding what to do. I just don't want anything to make me question my decision the second I go back in Sofia. If it's over - it's over. If it's not... Well I sure made it seem like a damn fairytale because of how it felt at the beginning. Reading back my old posts proves me wrong and tells me I've been giving last chances for a long time and wondering how much more I can take. Apparently, a lot!
I should make a list of all the things I fear and burn it. Also, I should make a list of all the things I want and remember to check it every now and then because I forget and settle for what I'm given instead of making sure it's what I really want. 
 Anyway, I've had a trip down memory lane and we were such crazy kids. I miss those days when the biggest worry I had was whether to text a guy or to wait for him to text me first. And when we would go to trips and try to get drunk enough to actually tell the boys we liked that we liked them. And the endless pictures we took, the fun we had... I miss that!
On the other hand, give me a camera and watch me lose my mind. These days random things inspire me. I'm still rewriting Dark Angel, but I'm halfway through with the script which I will then use for the actual writing process. Hopefully the first person point of view and the added darkness will be an inspiration enough.
I think the point is to write love on your arms yourself. To believe that you deserve better and that you're actually capable of so much more, no matter what people say. I think when it's hard you actually become stronger. And in fact, most of the time you're pretending until the lie comes true and you start believing it. I'm in the process of finding that one thing that will keep me above the water when the waves come and threaten to drown me yet again. Like Payson (Make it or break it) would say, I'd try any damn thing until something works and I will be the best in it! Her speech was actually way more passionate and convincing but it's the thought that counts and my thoughts need some fixing but that will happen as well eventually. Hopefully!