18 октомври, 2015

finally free

I'm not drowning anymore. I'm not going anywhere, but at least the nightmares of ghosts stopped and I'm relatively functioning properly for the time being. I've had a few inspirations through the week. I realized yet again that if I don't save myself no one will do it for me. And life won't wait for me to be ready for yet another fight. I have to be ready at all times. Yes, I will drown again sometimes but what I keep realizing afterwards is that I always make it. I always get to the point where I look back and I know that I've survived worse. I keep surviving on a daily basis and I am my own worst enemy. Everything else is just the cherry on top. 
And you're not making things any easier, you know. You're always trying to make me look like the one who has no idea what I'm doing but I do. I've been doing it ever since I was old enough to know better. And I made mistakes but I live with them.
I don't think I lost him anymore. I don't even think I loved him all the time. I wanted to be right and to prove everyone wrong. I wanted... Well I thought we would be good together. Now I know better and I really don't want that for me. It did feel right at some point. But then it didn't and instead it turned into my own personal circle of hell. Few of them actually. 
Gladly that part of my life is over and I used to think I'll never be as happy or as in love but I'm starting to think that's not true. I'm still my awesome loving self. A few more scars won't change that. They will just make it a bit harder for someone new to come into my life. But the right people will find their way no matter what and it won't be so hard to find a place for them and make them fit in. 
For the first time in a long time I've been obsessed with both a book and a story inside my own mind. I guess one inspired the other and freed my imagination. If only I had the time to work on it. Maybe next week I will. My sanity may be long gone but I'm slowly finding myself where I left the pieces and it only takes time o figure out which goes where and which I no longer need. And it's not as hard to breathe anymore. At least not as it used to be a year back. 
Now the best I can hope for is to make it through my forth year somehow and to find another dreamer to watch the night sky with while talking about inspiring things like art, books and music.It will be enough.

12 октомври, 2015

inspiration overload


Nights like this mean the world to me. I love talking about music and all the arts in general. I love people who are passionate about something and I love making them talk about it. That's as good as it gets, I guess. I inspired you, I hope. I haven't been an inspiration for anyone in a long time and it feels good when my opinion finally matters. Around my old crew so to speak it didn't. I didn't know enough and I was considered an amateur. Not that I'm not, but I don't think they ever gave me enough credit for the things I know. 
I wish it was always that simple, you know. Talking to you and hanging out. I want more but I'm okay with just that. Tomorrow will be a scary day, yes. But I may not drown in it, because tonight I made an epic memory which I will hold on to. 

06 октомври, 2015

more is better

It's almost been a year. You'd think I know how to manage my insanity by now. Turns out I'm still learning and it can still take the best of me sometimes. Tomorrow will be the first test of many to come. And half of me can't wait while the other wants some more time to prepare. Because being a hero can be hard and scary as hell. Well, what's new around here.
Oh, I do have a type. The ones that are not into me are the ones I want. All the irony, I sing to myself and sigh. Who am I to argue with karma and fate... Whatever happens. I'm not getting my hopes up anymore. I'm not doing anything. It was my turn, I made it. Now it's yours. And I get that we are all complicated and have had our fair share of drama in our lives but I deserve the chance. Because we clicked in a way I haven't clicked with anyone in a long time. Fine, I said it. I need to get this out of my system so I can stop thinking about it. 
Plus I'm still no good to anyone right now, even if I'm trying to pretend that I am. I'm still not sure if I'm going to wake up swimming or already drowned. I learnt my lessons, I'm being safe this time and staying away from trouble. Though I know my luck pretty well and trouble is already on the way. Still, it's nice to see that there are still people out there who can make you smile when you think you'll never do so. You know. 
Somehow I'm glad you're staying away. I'd rather not know how awesome you are. Because even the glimpse of it made me imagine things and want things. All of it will be too much to try and erase afterwards. I'm still fighting the ghosts of my past, I can't do it all over again. I don't even want to try and make it work with anyone at this point. Just to wait for another day to come and to survive it hopefully. Which is why I liked you so much. You made me want more. 

03 октомври, 2015

standing on the edge of my life

I still need to be nothing for a very long time (if not forever) to figure out what something I want to be. Or if I even can be that. It's still my mess and I'm still a black hole or at least in one. I'm still not sure if when I wake up the day will be good or bad. I might go to bed with a smile and wake up wanting to drown in coffee. Or the other way around. So I guess I should try to use my head this time.
Yes, I'd very much like it all. You're the kind of guy that will swipe me off my feet the second we actually meet. But that won't make me any less broken or dysfunctional. It will only make me drag you into my black hole and it's not a good place to be. I guess I'm saving us both the trouble. It's nice to know I can still feel the butterflies and all. But I'm not being selfish again. I will learn to fight the waves and the darkness on my own first. As for the rest... Whatever happens. 
I'm not waiting for someone or something to make me matter, to give me a meaning and a purpose. I will find them all myself. I want to be a writer. I will write and read all day. I want to go out with friends. I will do so. I want to finish SU, I will work my butt of to do that. And I want to get better for me, so hopefully I will. 
Also, the lack of an answer or a decision is one too. I hate all the idiots in my and my friends' lives who keep us around without actually letting us go. Because it's easier to know you have options. I get it but it's stupid and it sucks and it's wrong. You may hate me for not giving you a chance, but I know I did and I saved you the trouble of living what I'm still trying to survive, so I actually made you a favor. Anyway.
Today was a boring and annoying day and I got my hopes up for no reason because as much as I want to keep you away from me, I'd love it if you proved me wrong and tried anyway. And maybe you will. The ball is in your court. It's up to you, all of it. Because I'm too scared to make a choice. I want it really bad but I'm also scared that I'm not worth the effort and I'm already too broken. And my life is still one big mess which is mostly created by my own mind, but still. Whatever, at least I know I'll survive. Even if I keep dying on a daily basis, I always make it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm lucky or that screwed up.

01 октомври, 2015

for handing you a heart worth breaking

I'm done. You can come, you can go. I won't do a thing about it. I'm done fighting. I'm done trying. Because sure as hell almost no one would do the same and because I'm tired of trying to prove to people I'm worth it, or to make them see why I am worth it, or whatever. Fine, I'm not. I don't have to turn my world upside-down to make a point. I don't have to fit into your ideas of what a girl should be, or a friend should be. I'm allowed to be stupid, to make mistakes and you can hate me for it, you can judge, but you can't make me feel like crap any time I do something other than you'd do in my place. Let's face it. You're not me. You'd never survive a day in my shoes. You think not giving a damn about anything sucks. Well, no. It's sucks when you care too much and people take advantage of that. 
So I'm taking your damn advice and using it against you. If you wanted to, you would have made an effort. Hell, you would have given me a chance the way I did with you. You chose a side and it wasn't mine. Or you were even a bigger coward that I thought and you didn't make a choice at all. Either way, it's also a decision. And I'll take it. I'm done making excuses for you. Or anyone else for that matter. If I can be here even though half the time if not all I feel like drowning, then you sure as hell can be here too.
I need to be around people who care at least half as much as I do. Who like me would feel guilty for not being there when they had to. Who will make sure I know it. Anything less is not worth my time and effort. I'm done saving space for people who are not sure if they want it. Some bridges are only there because I keep them, hoping someone crosses them. And surprise! They almost never do. And it's pointless and disappointing. I'm all out of chances. I gave them all to people who didn't deserve them, you included. I can't keep turning the world upside down and calling it fate. Even if I can, I don't feel like it. So, whatever, you know. You won't even find out about my choice anyway. What difference does it make? None, which exactly what made me write all this. 
I have very few pieces that are still whole and I'd like to keep it that way. I gave too much to people who couldn't care less. No amount of regret can fix that. But it's not my fault you wasted your chance. You were right. We wouldn't be friends if you lived elsewhere. Hell, we wouldn't be anything. We're the same when it comes to a lot of things but different all the same. Still, you showed up that night without even knowing how much I needed that. And you surprised me in the best way possible. I'm grateful for it. The rest is fate and it always sucks, so.

star wars and stuff

I love how you din't get a warning about people leaving. They just do. And you have to figure out what you did wrong. When really, they were just too screwed up to begin with. And then you get screwed up. 
But the same goes for how they enter your life out of nowhere and you wonder how you survived a day without them there. The sunshines, you know. The ones that make you smile for no reason and you start wanting to spend every second getting to know them. I'm in trouble and I know it. It just felt special, the whole damn conversation, so I want to leave myself a reminder of it. 
Star Wars, comics, TV shows, music, art... I love inspiring people and he seems to be one of them. And I do need lots of inspiration to fight the darkness that is otherwise present at all times. I enjoy being a hero. Hopefully I will keep being a hero and it will get better and easier. Or I'll get better at handling it. With sunshines like him around me I don't mind. 
I was thinking how I used to love the extremities. The winter and the summer. The excitement or the total despair. Now I'm in love with autumn and spring, with the in-between moments. Taking out my winter clothes was an amazing experience. It's the first time when I actually enjoyed cleaning up. I smelled sweater after sweater and felt warm and comfy around them all. Plus I have too much clothes and I should start going out and wearing them. 
People are awesome. They scare me sometimes. They always mean too much to me and I get too attached but I guess that also makes them important. I can't even find the damn words when I need them. I'm just happy.