31 декември, 2015

bye 2015

January:
Ако през всеки ден от годината получавам по прашинка щастие като днешното, ще бъда усмихната и щастлива. 
Може ли да спра времето и всичко да си остане както е в момента?
We are a match, but I still can't decide if it was made in hell or heaven. 
But I can be your everything. I can be a wife, I can be a lover, a friend, someone you care about, someone you hate. I've been your everything. 
Only when you lose yourself, you can actually find what you're really looking for. And when we need something we usually find it right back where we left it and forgot about it. 
Me? I'm always here. I'm the one that stays and picks up the pieces. I'm the one that writes about the people that come and go. They are the bright stars of my existence...
and you saying that I'll always be the best thing that happened to you. 
The demons have moved from under my bed to the inner depths of my head."
At the end of the day it doesn't really matter how I got here, but how I'm going to fix myself to proper functioning. 
Happiness is when you're doing completely ordinary things, but you feel good anyway. 
I will be my own hero. I can be. All I need is that little faith that you have in me. 
When you care about people, you don't push their buttons and you don't pull their strings whenever you feel like it just because you can. 
A girl must have her peace every once in a while
You're my Saturday night and Sunday morning. I do want to rip your clothes off quite often but I'd also really love watching something and falling asleep in each other's arms every now and then.
I will be okay even if I'm not the one. I will be okay because somehow I always am. 
Memories are worth all the sleepless nights it takes to make them.
Yes, home is a feeling for me. One of such comfort that I can cry and laugh at the same time and it's all okay. 
-И умната!
-Вече съм с нея.

February:
I wish moments could be repeated but I guess they wouldn't be so special if that was possible. 
Some people are worth being crazy for.
I'd say wish me luck, but the odds are never in my favor, so I'll just be a hero and do my best as always. And if that's not enough, I guess I'll try harder. 
Because it's my damn life and I deserve it.
-тук сме само аз и ти. само ние двамата. всичо ще бъде наред.
I am my worst enemy after all, so I might as well fight and win this one. 
-оставям те. трябва да измисля друга дума, че това звучи все едно те оставям завинаги.
Just for the record, it's my damn life. No one gets to judge me. I've been in hell and back enough times and I will do whatever feels right. 
Но пък искам да бъда герой. Искам да не стоя тихо и кротко, искам да бъда навън. Искам света! 
Plus, I'm not a quitter. I'm a survivor and I was born to do it. 
I don't need to go see half the world to realize that people are what matters. 
I'm starting to realize that everything will eventually be alright, no matter how scary it may seem at times. 
Life's too short to spend it in misery.
There is nothing like love, inspiration and happiness to give you strength I guess.
But sometimes knowing someone is happy makes you happy too.

March:
I can be wrong about people, I guess. 
Like it or not, we are a big part of who the other is. 
It took so much for me to hit the breaks, sit and enjoy the view. 
I'm done being reckless with myself or with anyone else. I've always been responsible and it suits me just fine. So I guess I finally figured out what I want to be - better.
It's hard to remember how the surviving happens sometimes but it does sooner or later. 
Okay, so maybe I hate fresh starts and new beginnings. I love what is old and familiar. Sue me!
But I am a girl of many words, a writer. 
Oh well, who cares how you say or show it, as long as you do show it and mean it.
 While with a feeling skill I paint my hell.
People do to us exactly what we let them, right? 
All the greatness and inspiration in the world are right where I am. My mind travels so far away that I don't need to. 
I have no idea what the future holds and that scares me a lot, but one thing I know is that I will make it somehow. 
I'm a girl of contradictions.
the fear is just the clutch that tries to hold you back and turn your dreams to dust
You can't even imagine how fucked up my head is most of the time. I guess I'm good at pretending.
Too much has been taken away. Too much has happened. 
Almost the love of your life. Almost but not quite. 
There's nothing worse in this world than thinking you had a chance when you actually never had. 

April:
 I miss that time, you know?
I'm sitting here, exactly as I did three years ago.
Sometimes I wonder what would have been if I did things differently. If one thing I said, or one thing I did made it all so bad. It can't be, because it takes two usually, or three in my case, sort of.
I had a future back then. I knew exactly what I wanted and I wasn't going to settle for anything less. Now I agree with anything and avoid the fight. 
It's my damn life and it's my damn choice. Even if the world keeps ending a little bit every single day, I'd still want it all. And I'd be damned before I let anyone mess with my world ever again. 
I fight, I swim and I rise from the ashes with fire in my veins. At least I hope I can be half as brave as I am right now. Being brave is half the battle after all. 
 I realize I'm the only one that stands in my way. 
It's really helpful to have people believe in you. 
I can't believe how far I am from what used to be normal for me.
There is greatness in being strong and not giving up in the face of fear. There is greatness in taking chances and risks, in being brave. That's exactly the way my life has always been.
Insanity suits me most of the time. If only it had no name. But it does. And I'm always on that edge. It's become a permanent part of my life now. 
I am the ocean. I am nothing. I need to be nothing for a really long time before I can decide what something I want to be. Fia's words. 
And you want to know why I keep giving chances to people? Because I have no more chances for myself.
Well, it's just the way my life is - always this close something and never quite close enough. 
Well, I've realized two things from my trip down memory lane - I'm the most awesome idiot on the planet. 
I've had enough drama and disappointments to last a lifetime.
it's like I'm Karma's favourite joke
Sometimes I wonder if I'm made up of all the mistakes I've made, or all the things I should have had, but didn't. 
 I am a footnote in my own story.
"Ти и глупавата ти мания да бъдеш всичко, което ми харесва..."
 I'm in your plans because someone else can't be. 
I can't survive another plane crash, as Owen says, and we have always been one. Or more you and her had been one and I'm the collateral damage. 

May:
It's what I've been doing my whole life - getting by against all odds.
For the first time in a long time I feel like there's hope for me. 
Обичам да си подреждам хаоса. Докато не се намери какво да ми го обърка. 
 I think I'm learning the best lesson anyone can hope to ever learn - you can handle everything on your own, no matter what. 
Every damn time you let them put you in the shadow, make you smaller, insignificant, invisible, remember that you are also making yourself that way by believing them and by letting them have a say in your own story.
 People don't define you. You define yourself.
A whole year passed and I'm still stuck between the past and the present of your life, not mine. 
на тъмно трудно се спи
от призраци и липси
затова подреждам те
за да ме разхвърляш ти

June:
 It's like there is hope for me, but also there are pieces to be broken, I guess. 
It sucks to want to make plans and to be afraid of them failing yet again.
Those that are gone... They are whatever we want them to be. Kinda sucks for those that are still here, huh. 
It's just that my inspiration comes in waves, usually when I have no time for it. It's kind of like my insanity - comes in the worst possible time and goes away when I have all the time in the world for it. 
Whoever wants to stay, will stay. Whoever wants to find the time for you, will find the time for you. 
I miss you, yes. But it's not drowning me. It's not torturing me and I don't need caffeine and nicotine to fill the holes. Lesson learned - just because it's not killing you, doesn't mean it's not real. 
That awesome moment when you are so happy with reality that you don't want it to change, because it usually changes for the worst.
My life is like The Hunger Games: May the odds be ever in your favor!And they never are. 
Being close to people messes you up. You tell them things and they tell you things and you love them and they forget to love you back or forget about you altogether.
I do know better. I know that not many people can handle my personality. But I'm not losing my edges just for that. Even if I live with my cats someday, at least I will have been true to myself and that should count for something.
And I don't want to be the one, I want to be the only.
What never was shaped my life in many ways. 
It sucks to realize that when someone betrays me, my first thought is that I should have known better than to trust them.
When someone screws with your life and only cares when they have nothing better to do, they are not worth it. When they play with you just for fun, you are not supposed to allow them to do so. 
People are idiots, basically. We make our lives worse for trusting untrustworthy people and we give them all the weapons they can hurt us with, hoping they won't. And they do time and again. A sinner is a sinner. A liar is a liar... But we let them. We paint our own hell.
I like breathing, you know. The perfect way to stay alive. But how alive are you, if you never cross the line?
She's right. She can be here, hold my hand, tell me it's going to be okay, be my rock and anchor and all that, but it's my path. I must be the one to follow it.
But I'm not done. I will pass all the circles I have to, but I will not sit still and I will not spend another minute trying to escape this. I will fight. Now I have no idea where I'm going to find the strength to do that, but I have to try, right. 
I'm no quitter. And if it was easy, it wouldn't be happening to us, huh. 
And it's nights like that under the stars that I want to have. It makes me happy to be a dreamer again, even for a little while, even if I'm just pretending to be one. 
 I know what doesn't kill you is supposed to make you stronger, but I'm not sure how much more I can take before I quit it all and start buying cats to live with.
Pessimism works for me. It suits my darkness perfectly. I had fire once. Now I have epic TV series to watch, books to read and reality to escape.
"You think you have forever but you don't."

July:
Теб ли да обвиня, че ме повреди или себе си, че ти го позволих?
She was on fire, then reality drowned her, so she drowned herself.
Ghosts exist for a reason. I should know. 
The good thing when you go through hell a couple of times you learn that you don't really need much to be happy. 
When people are away we make them be whatever we want them to be. 
It's going to take a lot of time and effort before I can be something... Anything again. I want the world, always! But I have nothing to prove anymore. 
I used to wonder what was wrong with me. Now I wonder what isn't. 
I'm not the one dumping friends, love. They dump me. And who can blame them really. Sometimes even I can't stand being around myself (wow) and there is no escape for me. 
I feel like me again. 
My insanity and I had the perfect relationship but panic saw that and decided to take away from my sweet insanity because I am that awesome (wow) and that weird. 
When you go to hell a couple too many times you start learning how to deserve your place there. You become a sinner. I know I have. 
 How do you put an end to something you wanted to last forever? 
I guess I shouldn't let people happen to me anymore. Not that they even need my permission. 
 I am yet to meet the person who can handle all that and still stay long enough to love me.
And I'm the kind of girl who can love only once or twice so much, that everything afterwards seems pointless and meaningless.
Sad thing is, when someone happens to you, you can't really happen to him. It only goes one way at least as far as I can tell. 
But I've been in this hell hole long enough to be in love with all its fires, the circles, the edges, the dark places. The only thing worse then to keep going is to quit, huh. 
But I'm the patron saint if lost causes
There is nothing stopping me, so I will climb or take down any wall because (dammit!) it's my damn life and I'm going to do whatever the hell I want to. 
Крайно време е да спра да се оставям на течението и после да протестирам защо ми се е случило това и онова, все едно нямам абсолютно никакъв контрол върху живота си. Имам!
I'm not the ashes of a dreamer, just a dreamer in recovery. Dreamers can be scared too. That doesn't mean they are not hopeful. It's just that I'm having a hard time believing.
"But I guess I gotta be a grown-up. Gotta be okay with not being okay."
When you pick the wrong people you deserve anything that comes with them. And I pick them anyway, because I'm not a right person as well and I am still hoping someone will pick me anyway, even if I'm trouble. It's not you I'm trying to save, you see. It's me.
Hopefully I don't need anyone to save me and I can for once save myself for good. 
I feel numb or terrified. Nothing in between.
  
August:
I think the point is to write love on your arms yourself. To believe that you deserve better and that you're actually capable of so much more, no matter what people say.
Until the lie becomes me, huh. 
I thought we could have that but I was never the choice. I was what you had left. 
We only ever want the ones that don't want us.
I won't be just the ashes of a dreamer anymore, I won't even be a dreamer. I will be the creator of my own happiness! 
I need to be my own person and not hide myself in frames, boxes and to have to pretend I'm someone else. 
And I really have some awesome friends to fill my boat with!
повече не ми говори за рай,
сега сама си рисувам ада
The one good thing about going to hell a little too many times is knowing you can survive, even if everything is turned against you. 
Starting over is a good thing because all you have is opportunities and chances. And I'm not giving up on myself this time. I'm taking care of my own wishes and doing what feels right without too much thinking. 
I feel more myself than ever for the first time in a long time. Not the dark me, not the desperate numb me that I'm quite frankly afraid of, but the me that dares to make plans, dreams of adventures and nothing can stand in her way. That me I love so much!
 It's a good thing to realize that you are no longer who you used to be and that some bad things may have happened but you are still that epic person who was brave and did what you wanted.
Sharing quotes, hating the guys that ruined our make up, messed up our beds, lives and even our thoughts, broke our hearts. We will be better for it.
Well, turns out I'm too bad for the good guys and still too good for the bad ones.
Anything I did, anything that happened to me is something only I have to live with.
The people that love me will love me even if I am an idiot sometimes. 
I'm not on the edge anymore. I'm not drowning, I'm not fighting. I'm finding my way and it feels good.
Искам света и горя! I'm not nothing, I'm anything I want to be. I'm not the ocean and I'm not drowning - I'm flying! Така де, давя се само в собствената си прекрасност.
People are stupid! And so am I for having such faith in them. 
That's what happens to the people that leave, they become a ghost living inside a box so I can also lock them up in one of the darkest places of my soul (or what is left of it). 
I was your in-between girl and you were my forever boy. Well forever ain't as long, you know.

September:
на мен винаги ми пука твърде много за хората, на които им е все тая за мен.
Внасям разруха и ураган в живота си по собствено желание и после няма кой да ме събира. А и не е останало много за събиране. 
I've always loved the odds when they are against me. 
You know, I just realized why the devil's in the details. Because only after you start noticing the small details about a person, do you actually find all their scars, demons and the little things that make them special.
Не ми поставяй граници, където искам вечности и безкрайности
Аз и моите прекрасни крайности. Не сме лесни за обичане, но пък си струваме, нали знаеш. С всичкото недоверие, страховете, призраците, стените. 
What doesn't kill me sure makes me a better writer, huh.
I feel like I'll go crazy every time and I'm still here. That must count for something. 
У мен е твърде мрачно и студено, а те в опитите си да ме стоплят сякаш още по-студена ме направиха. 
Щастието е хубаво само докато го има. Изчезне ли от живота ти си оставаш сам с повредите, спрелите часовници, песните, които винаги значат много повече и желанието да запалиш цигара. И да си сам. 
Защото демоните може и да си играят със съзнанието ти до полуда, но поне никога няма да са те правили щастлив преди това. И никога няма да си тръгнат. 
My life is too much of a storm as it is anyway.

October:
I love how you didn't get a warning about people leaving. They just do. And you have to figure out what you did wrong. When really, they were just too screwed up to begin with. And then you get screwed up. 
I'm done. You can come, you can go. I won't do a thing about it. I'm done fighting. I'm done trying. 
I'm done saving space for people who are not sure if they want it. 
I'm not waiting for someone or something to make me matter, to give me a meaning and a purpose. I will find them all myself. 
Oh, I do have a type. The ones that are not into me are the ones I want.
I realized yet again that if I don't save myself no one will do it for me.

November:
The world belongs to me and I belong to it. 
I never even thought I'd be brave enough to stay out till the morning and dance all night. Turns out I was wrong. 
Losing myself a couple of times turned out to be exactly what I needed to find this new version of myself which I adore so much! This is how I remind me of who I really am.
и на мен ми се иска да узная,
сред целия ад ще намериш ли рая.
свободни или на високо
някак лесни сме
Разхвърляха ме из основи. И ноември и той. 
Оставя ми любов по устните и кожата. Чертая по неговата. Пристрастявам се послушно докато подчертавам пак и пак границите, за да не ги премина.
Всичко, за което пиша, си отива. 
Неделя е прекрасен ден да не се събудиш в леглото си и да те събудят с целувка.
Please don't be another someone I'm going to have to forget.

December:
I have this habit of falling for people who can't possibly fall back for me.
I bite my lip whenever I have something to share because I don't want to tell you things if you'll leave anyway. 
Every time you hold me a little bit too tight and then you let me go, I feel like asking you to never let me go again. 
I'm never the choice. I'm just there when no one else is. Because if it was between me and someone else, I'd never have a chance. 
I can get used to that. Hell, I already am used to it. 
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to realize how boring I actually am, or how damaged, broken, crazy... Yet I keep hoping he stays anyway and falls for all that. While I wonder why anyone would.
I'm the only masochist who sees broken people and runs to them. Other people are sane enough to run the opposite way and never look back. Well, I loved lost causes so much that I became one. 
I'm my own hero. 
The world belongs to me, you know. I'm slowly building the life I've always wanted for myself. 
I'm a girl with a weak heart for guys who care and keep their promises. 
 I find it hard to be around my own self sometimes. I doubt you'll stay if you knew all that. Don't figure me out. 
I woke up after coming home at 5:30 am and my first thought was that I love my life and it's awesome!
Falling asleep in his arms feels like home. 
Next time you come to my place can you forget your heart instead of your watch, please? I promise I'll take good care of it. 
I'm saying I'll marry my phone because it talks to me and you tell me you talk to me too. Can I lock you up in my room (or let you do it) and never let you go? 
I make my own fairy tale! I don't need anyone to believe in me anymore. I don't need rescuing. I fought the fear, the darkness, the insanity, I went through hell and I'm still here. Yes, I'm all made of scars, things I didn't have, broken dreams, ashes... But I'm still here. 
I knew what I was getting myself into, it feels good the way it is and I don't need it to be anything more than that.
In a year I've managed to turn my life around for the better. I was a mess last year. I'm a hero now.
I won't let anyone make me feel like I don't matter again. 

decide that you want it

Last night I was brave, ready to tell you how I feel or at least ready to draw lines for myself. You know, be smart, be an adult and don't let them break me yet again. Today I'm terrified that the second I open my mouth, that will be the end of it and I don't want it to end. I don't want to pull too early and lose it. And it's not even mine to lose. I don't change the world for anyone but my own damn self (and that's only on very good days). I can't possibly mean more to anyone. There are probably some fifteen cats already born and waiting for me to go get them so we can start living together. And you have no idea about the shit going on in my head because if you did you'd run away.
I want... I'm good for more than this and so are you by the looks of it. I see it and I want it but I don't want to be the one pulling your strings and making you want me. I don't want to fight.
Well, the holidays give me too much time to overthink. It feels good to be back in Sofia, to wake up in his bed and then come home. It's awesome to make yourself coffee while still remembering the previous night. So what if I didn't happen to you the way you happened to me. I will. I was brave again. I'm my own hero and I survived this horrible year. The next one will be awesome, I know it. I didn't ruin things. In fact, every time I'm terrified that my words will scare you and you find a way to make them okay.

27 декември, 2015

temporary bliss


I'm temporary. Just a stop on the way.
Sometimes I almost matter, or I don't.
Details! Who cares so much anyway?!
Oh, they thought me well, you know,
to keep quiet and not speak my mind.
Why bother? They'll be on their way.
It's okay, I say, I'm used to it already,
I hardly see why anyone would stay
I never ask them to and they go away.
It's alright, you know, I tell myself,
it never even mattered. And so I say, 
I lie, until the lie becomes me. 




26 декември, 2015

just us two

I hate having too much free time. I start to overthing everything and I have the need to clear things up and say things when they don't need to be said. I'm only kidding myself and this is nothing more than two people having fun. There is nothing more to it. There is no happy end story. No fairytale. And I'm okay with that. I knew what I was getting myself into, it feels good the way it is and I don't need it to be anything more than that.
That's what I need to believe, at least. Having feelings is out of the question. I always do, but I don't want to. For once I want to stay numb and be the ungrateful cold-hearted bitch people think I am. You know I'm not. I hope you do. But it doesn't really make a difference. You'll run away too if I ever speak a word of this or when the next best thing comes along. I'm temporary. I don't matter to you. But that doesn't mean I don't matter at all. I do. Today was a proof to that. In a year I've managed to turn my life around for the better. I was a mess last year. I'm a hero now. I'm still scared. Mostly of him, because of the way he makes me feel, but I'm not a mess. I won't go crazy if things go wrong or end suddenly. I'm not a second choice to someone else anymore because I chose myself this time. I'll keep doing so. I won't let anyone make me feel like I don't matter again. 
It's still... I'm so close. What we do is so close to an actual relationship that it confuses me. And I warned you and you're still acting, pretending. You can't not be. I already know that much - the people I'm falling for don't fall back for me. So you're pretending, mostly for my sake or you're just that type of guy. Still, you'd rather come to my place so it can be just the two of us and we can talk instead of go out and have one of those small talks about stupid stuff. You're allowing me to look into your soul, so I can fall (as if it's not easy enough already) and then you'll tell me you didn't mean to but it doesn't mean as much to you. 
Yes, I should use my words and say so but I don't want to ruin this. I like it too much to ruin it with my words. You shouldn't have agreed so much with my quote. Sometimes we do say more when we say nothing at all but I like lines. They keep me in control. Draw me some, so I can stop overthinking it and I don't blow it. 
If not, I will do that for myself. Or at least I'll try to. I'm just afraid I already like it too much to do so. But I've survived worse so this should be easy. I already know how it goes anyway. 

24 декември, 2015

dress made of hellfire

I don't feel like Christmas. I already had mine. The best gifts ever came from myself and I think I'll turn this into a tradition. You don't get to make me feel guilty for that. Because I took the time to look for presents and wonder what you'll like and I made the effort. You never do. That's why Christmas is not at all a favorite holiday for me. The last couple of years all I get is bad news on Christmas, so for the most part, mine this year already passed with our pizza and a movie, and also the party with the kids and then with my collegues.
Being back here makes me feel small and it's like I have to prove something so that you can somehow validate my existance. I can't win. I'll never be who you want me to. And I'm okay with that. It's your problem, not mine anymore. Here I'm reminded of the things I still can't have and do because of you. Because you took my enthusiasm and drowned it. And I'm the one to blame for that somehow. Always. Well, not this time. You should be glad that I have a plan for the future. And you should also stop telling me what not to do. We both know I'm going to do it anyway. Stop telling me that others had better chance of doing something. They are not that different. You should be the one telling me how to find a way, not how to lose it. I'm not losing myself anymore. 
Only I can run into all the people I don't want to see here in my one and only night out. It's Karma proving that she can still kick my ass. I can't believe I still have nightmares of them. And how he keeps defending her and telling me it's always been her in my own dream. Talk about ghosts, huh. I don't even want or love him anymore. It's just that it hurts to know that I've been lied to for so long. It's like every time I see him I feel like in another world I would have been there too. Like I'm seeing another version of me who is still in that hell hole or maybe it's heaven there. 
I love my life the way it is now. I am honestly grateful to all the people who stayed in my life through all my trips to hell. I'm even more grateful to the ones who left. I don't need such people around me anyway. 
I make my own fairytale! I don't need anyone to believe in me anymore. I don't need rescuing. I fought the fear, the darkness, the insanity, I wen through hell and I'm still here. Yes, I'm all made of scars, things I didn't have, broken dreams, ashes... But I'm still here. The walls are higher and we all suffer for the ones who came before. I know I did. So I'm doing my best to keep my demons to myself and just enjoy whatever happens because most things don't last anyway. I might as well be happy until they do. 

23 декември, 2015

I don't know how to stop

It's Sunday and I'm alone already because my roommate left for the holiday. I woke up after coming home at 5:30 am and my first thought was that I love my life and it's awesome! It took me a year to get here and I know that euphoric feeling won't last a lifetime but I had to mention it. I went out with friends at our regular spot. I can't believe I can say that. It was something I couldn't even imagine few months back. And we had so much fun, we met new people. I met someone special and we talked and I felt on top of the world again. I keep having those moments lately, which I want to capture, to memorize every second of them and relive it afterwards.
And on Monday I'm no good again. I tried not overdoing it and I still got him a present and made cupcakes. So much for not caring and not wanting it all. Well, I've always known that I don't do balance. It's all or nothing. And I'm usually all in. It's just that you don't know it yet. Soon you will. Oh, but there is difference this time. I'm not pulling the strings. I'm waiting for you to do so.
He got me a gift too and loved the one I got for him. Since I got him a book, I wrote him a note that sometimes we say more when we say nothing at all. He smiled after reading it, saying it was one of his favorite sayings. He also doesn't do explanations so I have to figure him out as we go. He got me a teddy bear, because there were no panda's for Christmas. I keep telling him he's not a bear but a panda and he never asks me why. It's because pandas are special bears and he's special to me. Well, that's something only I know for now. And he kept kissing and holding me. 
I keep remembering how I traced lines on his skin with my fingers while he fell asleep. Then I got up to find a shirt because I was cold and he held me and warmed me up. Falling asleep in his arms feels like home. Being around him makes me want more. He'd ask me something and then keep kissing me while I talk. He enjoys making me laugh and distracting me while I'm trying to function relatively normal around him. I keep dropping things when he's doing so. 
I went to bed with the teddy bear and he read the book. I know the other night I forgot about him completely for like three hours but the only reason I allowed for that to happen was because he is still afraid to call this the way I see it - a damn relationship. Still, I think I'll start calling it that and will not allow myself any more idiotic nights even if they are so much fun. You're scared and I feel like I should show you that you don't have to be. 
Next time you come to my place can you forget your heart instead of your watch, please? I promise I'll take good care of it. We all have walls and ghosts for a reason and other people have to fight against them to make us give them a chance. I'm almost sure I'm starting to take down yours. Please, let me. 
Overall, this is the best Christmas ever. Only it came early and now I have one week in D-town to wonder how to make time fly, so it can be January and I can kiss you again. I'm saying I'll marry my phone because it talks to me and you tell me you talk to me too. Can I lock you up in my room (or let you do it) and never let you go? I made my own Chritsmas this year and gave myself all the presents I wanted. There are a few more for my birthday. And you make it all so much better without even trying so hard. Give us a chance already.

16 декември, 2015

magnets

Reading all the post from this year sure seems like a fun experience. I was in a black hole at the beginning and I couldn't see a way out. And then slowly I seemed to start seeing the light. I see it clearly now. And it comes from no other place but my own soul. It's torn and dirty here and there but still exists, as Yelena says. I honestly have no idea how I got here. In a good way this time. I can't figure out how I made it. Well, I'm still making it. But I'm doing things I never thought I'd do again. Like go out all night, not go home at all, survive a whole day out. I'm my own hero. And that thought alone makes me feel euphoria all over again and a wide smile spreads through my face. 
The world belongs to me, you know. I'm slowly building the life I've always wanted for myself. And of course there is a boy involved. But I'm still pretending not to notice the butterflies I feel every time he's around or my idiotic smile. Or not to enjoy the way he's jealous when he seems me with other boys. Because I still belong to no one. Not until he decides he wants me to. Everyone else seems somehow insignificant in comparison. Well, there is a good reason for that. Chemistry works in mysterious ways and I can't complain about it. 
So, in a day I will have a tattoo as I promised myself in the middle of the year. Not that my insanity is gone but we've managed to establish some sort of peace and so far it's been relatively normal. It only bothers me like once a month and mostly when I'm sleep deprived. 
I still have no regrets. I'm glad I have some people back in my life. I'm also glad some are gone. And the ones who stayed I love even more because they know I'm a crazy person and they are still around. 
My friends know me too well already and my idiotic smile is no secret to them. I'm not sure I can handle more though. Even if I want it. And I do. You scare me, you know. It's easy to fall for you. You seem to care enough to make me care too and not to feel like a complete idiot. I feel special at times even. You don't want to go out but when we are just the two of us, that's when it's even worse, you know. Because then the level of honesty is higher. There is no audience. We get to be ourselves and I know my self sucks but yours is quite charming and I'm a girl with a weak heart for guys who care and keep their promises. 
Sometimes I do wish you could see through me and figure it out. You're the only one I want to show my real self to and the only one who doesn't want me to somehow. Or like doesn't mind, but won't ask for it. If only you knew how scared I was, how broken, how insane... I find it hard to be around my own self sometimes. I doubt you'll stay if you knew all that. Don't figure me out. 

13 декември, 2015

take it all away

We danced. And I realized an hour afterwards. I'm scared because it feels right and it feels like more than it actually it is. I don't really need to know where you are or who with. I don't even need to know what you've been doing because that's not our thing. It shouldn't be, at least. But it is. We spend time just the two of us where we get to be ourselves without an audience and the level of honesty and intimacy is greater than any date we could have. I can get used to that. Hell, I already am used to it. 
I've been rereading my blog and gathering the highlights like I do every December. Turns out I did write down a lot of moments which I didn't think I remember but I do. And I keep trying to find the lie among those little moment which made my day, you know. And I can't. I feel like such a fool for believing and I guess that's what scares me. That I'm the broken one, the one who sees more than it actually is and it's nothing really. But you are confusing me and giving me mixed signals. You know I'm easy that way. I don't want a lot. Just someone who cares and is trustworthy and honest. You're telling me more than I ask you too. 
I don't trust my own instincts. I can't tell a lie from the truth. Not anymore. So I will do my best not to pay attention to all these things and hope for the best, whatever it is in this case. I mean, I know what I want but I ever get what I want, so there goes that. I'm just not that lucky.
On the upside, I already gave myself one of my Christmas gifts and the other one belongs to Thursday. Because I deserve it and it was about time. And I've always known there would be a second one. 
Oh, if only he knew how fake my confidence is, he's laugh at me and then figure out how scared I really am. I guess pretending works for me. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to realize how boring I actually am, or how damaged, broken, crazy... Yet I keep hoping he stays anyway and falls for all that. While I wonder why anyone would. I'm the only masochist who sees broken people and runs to them. Other people are sane enough to run the opposite way and never look back. Well, I loved lost causes so much that I became one. 

06 декември, 2015

plane crash

I never learn, do I? I have this habit of falling for people who can't possibly fall back for me. That's exactly what makes them so compelling, I guess. I'm never the girl they fall in love with. I'm the girl they meet, screw around with for a while and then they go off into the sunset with a better version of me. One that is prettier and says all the right things instead of blurt out every stupid thing that comes to her mind. I'm ridiculous. I say too much or nothing at all. I look at you with hope. Not for us, but for myself. I didn't think it was possible to feel something other than fear at all. Now I do and I'm even more terrified. Because it will only take you a while to get bored with my insecurities and that will be it. Then I'll have to pick myself off the floor somehow yet again and pretend it didn't mean as much. It always does. The funny thing is eventually they all realize, after the better one hurts them, that I could have been their everything. But that doesn't really mean much. It won't fix me. It won't erase the walls that get higher every time someone leaves.
At this point I'm afraid to even let them. I bite my lip whenever I have something to share because I don't want to tell you things if you'll leave anyway. I don't want to allow myself to let you get too close. All that is my way of saying how scared I am. Yes, I play it cool. I turn it all into a joke and pretend it doesn't matter because I don't want it to matter. I do what you do and yet every time we talk or just lay next to each other I want to stop time and not move. I want to fill the silence with your words and at the same time I'm scared to start talking because I might say too much. So I am quiet, listening to your breathing, the way your heart beats. Every time you hold me a little but too tight and then you let me go, I feel like asking you to never let me go again. 
That's why I don't write. Well, I try not to. I really do. I really wish I didn't care as much in general. But I always do and you knew that. You're not helping me at all. And why should you? I think it would have been a lot easier without the whole talking thing. Because you tell me things and I feel special. I get to be where no one else is. And it's all a lie. You don't talk to me because it's me there. You talk just for the sake of doing so. It can be anyone else in my place and it won't change a thing. 
Then again, why should it be any different this time? I'm never the choice. I'm just there when no one else is. Because if it was between me and someone else, I'd never have a chance. 
What's weird is I didn't have to not do anything last night. I could have. But it's better with you. Everything is. Do I need to even keep writing? My idiotic smile says it all too well and it's only a matter of time before you get sick of it or I say something stupid. The saddest part is, it was never really much of anything to begin with. Well, that's the story of my life, so at least I'm used to it, you know.