31 декември, 2016

2016

January
Обича ми се - смело, безразсъдно, с риск пак да ме разхвърлят из основи и да се чудя пак как се дишаше.
В мен не се влюбват наистина. Преминават, стоплят се и ми казват как съм всичко, което някога са искали. После си отиват.
Смелост за душевни самоубийства нямам.
Целуваш ме, сякаш искаш да те обичам завинаги
По-добре ничия, отколкото с някой, който не знае как да ме обича.
Ето затова ще си имам котки. Защото ме учат, че да обичаш много няма кого.
Този път ще мълча и няма да обръщам света.
Не искам да има какво да губя.
Не дърпам конци, не играя игри и не бягам. Стоя си и оставям на другите да решат колко близо искат да бъдат до мен.
Above all I hope I'm strong enough to face whatever comes next.
I'd very much like to kiss you every damn time someone pisses you off.
The funny thing is I'm hoping he chooses me while still wondering why anyone would. I'm awesome because I survived and I keep doing so, but in the same time I'm fifty shades fucked up and I have no idea how anyone can be around for more than a few hours. Yeah, I know all that. Choose me anyway, you know.

February:
Никога
не оставя
часовника си
на вратата,
нито забравя
да го поглежда,
и си тръгва сам
винаги
когато помисля,
че може би
ще поиска
да остане
или да ме вземе
със себе си.

You're showing me the world and telling me I can't have it.
It feels like we're going somewhere at some point and then it turns out it's all in my head and we're nowhere because there is no we to begin with.
So, yes, I love it when people finally realize how much I meant to them and how supportive, caring and awesome I am but I'd very much like for someone to finally realize it while I'm still around trying and not when I'm so done with them that I don't even have their number anymore.
Yeah, I want it all, I want it now and I'm not the girl that gets it all but on good days it's enough to at least get to pretend I do.

March:
It would be nice for someone to finally love me back.
Even the fact that I am considering just going out with someone else feels like cheating and I'm not even in a relationship. Either something is really wrong with me or it's just that something is wrong with everyone.
The only reason my story sucks so far is because I choose people who make me feel like I'm not good enough without ever trying to first solve their own issues. So now instead of people I have issues.
Time to sleep it off and keep pretending I couldn't care less. Hopefully it won't be just pretending someday.
Щастието е хубаво само докато го има. Понякога дори е по-добре да не знаеш, че може да го има, защото с него идва страха, че ще си иде или ще го загубиш. А то винаги се губи, никога не трае вечно. Привидно те спасява от удавяне, докато не започне да те дави липсата му.
И си отива както си е дошло. А от теб остава там каквото е останало. Както винаги.
Щастията са си самодостатъчни. Обикновено, не им трябваш, за да са щастливи.
Щастието има най-прекрасната усмивка и мирише на дом и спокойствие, а вкуса на устните му напомня на ванилия и вечност.

April:
I honestly am scared to even consider the idea of having someone in my life. I'll be scared all the time that he'll get tired of me and leave or will only be with me out of loneliness or something.
I deserve it all, I'll keep working my ass of and keep being the best possible version of myself as usual. I know I won't be the one but hoping hasn't killed me yet and what else have I got to lose anyway. Just for the record, I can be your everything. Hell, I can be anyone's everything as long as I want to. The bad thing is no one even tries to be that for me which is why positive thinking can't really work for me.
Because I'm too easy and too all the wrong things and not enough the right ones.
It's a fact - the people I love never love me back. Not really anyway. I'm just an in-between girl until they get back to the love of their life or finally meet her. I don't matter. Nothing ever does.
Hell is the distance I feel between us when you're holding me.

May:
дано някога някой успее
и мен да научи на това
да оставам за малко
и после да тръгвам
и да оставям следа

I'm not holding up space for anyone, especially someone who is not sure if he wants it in the first place.
When the answer is always 'no' you stop asking the same question expecting a different one and move on. You find another way.
Now the whole world is going to start posting pictures of the rainbow. My world already did.
I feel like some part of me is dying yet again and I don't want it to die because I want to love again someday but at the same time I hope I become dead inside so I never have to feel that way ever again.

June:
I'm going to proudly deserve my place in hell and be done with it.
Not so surprisingly, when you take a step back and no one notices, you realize that your presence never made a difference and your absence never makes any difference as well. At least mine doesn't. So why should I even bother? I'm better off.

July:
I want to try and save you so much but I can't keep saving people in the vain hope that someone might save me too. Because sane people run from the scary and damaged.
I'm not writing you down. On purpose. Because the things I write about go away.
Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for not asking.
Thanks for giving me inspiration to write when I thought that I'm done writing.
It's still my story and you were just a chapter, never the whole story.
Well, turns out most friendships exist because I keep them going.

August:
I am old enough to know what I want and strong enough to survive if I don't get it.

September:
Продължавам да искам света. Искам всичко и го искам сега. Уча се на търпение. Хубавите неща нали ставали бавно.
I'm finally old enough to realize that I deserve more and I can still do better. I am finding a new better version of my own self and improving it step by step. So I get it. I'm a work in progress too.
And I have me... A little fucked up, a little lost but still breathing and still fighting. Some things are worth it. Some people are worth it even more. And so am I.
I'm always here and that's the problem. But I can't not be. If that's why I lose, then so be it.

October:
I want it all and I got everything else. I want the crazy and the drama and everything that comes with it. I want to build sand castles and make houses of candles. I want to give embarrassing speeches where I pour my heart out and I want it all to be worth it.
Иронично е как всеки ден се разминаваме някъде между Софийски университет и Сердика по два пъти.
And giving up was never enough for me. I'm still here and still wanting it all. You included.
One of the very important lines I always fail to see is the one between not giving up and pointlessly holding on to something that will never be worth it.
If you're already in hell, does it really matter if you're also going to hell? Didn't think so.
I hate people who break other people and then those other people are so broken that all the tape and all the glue in the world is not enough to even make them consider getting better and giving you a chance to help them. Let alone make them realize that you are worth being whole for... or at least functioning relatively normal just enough to make it work.

November:
Yet again I get the reminder that phones work both ways and I shouldn't be trying so hard for people who wouldn't put half the effort.
I'd sleep better if I had him to hold me and kiss my forehead.
People like me are left behind to remember those who leave and write pathetic little poems and love letters for them.
I realize yet again that some people will always be here, like me, so we can save each other when there's no one left.
Имам ключа за вратата и стоя на прага, чудейки се от кой край да я заключа.
I want it all and anything less makes me feel like I'm not good enough. And I am.
The worst thing about distance is you don't know if they miss you or they're forgetting about you, huh.

December:
The more time passes the more I realize that I don't feel like turning the world upside down and proving anything.
It's ironic really that I'm saving everyone and telling them everything is going to be okay and yet I can't seem to save my own damn self.
It has to be okay at some point, right?

caution tape around my heart

Less than three hours left of the year. I'm still sick and still a bit crazy. But I had a great time at work this week and solved some interesting cases. I even wrote what I want to accomplish in 2017 and I might write down by personal goals though they overlap with my professional ones.
In 2017 I want to be better. I want to pick myself back up, learn to be by myself and on my own without depending on anyone in any way. I want to find myself and what's left of my sanity. Also, I will try to remind my friends and family how much I care about them. I will stop holding on to temporary things and people and turn the world upside down for nothing. I want the world and everything in it and I'm going to make sure I deserve it. 
That said, I am grateful to have had such an amazing year. Yes, things were bad sometimes but there was always someone to pick me off the floor when I couldn't do it myself. I loved a little harder, laughed a little louder as the song goes and I added some amazing memories to my collection and tattoos to my skin. I realized how different I am and I'm yet to find out if it's for the best but it has to be. 
I had to find ways to stop myself from saying too much and doing to much when it comes to you. It's the hardest thing I've done yet. My hell of a week in may was the other dark highlight (the irony) of the year. And what came after. Well, I'm still getting over my last outburst of feelings for someone and I intend to keep the rest for myself. I'm no longer finding excuses to send pictures, check on you or even ask you out. This whole friendship thing works both ways, you know. If you wanted me around you wouldn't have been pushing me away so hard. 
Well, may the odds be ever in our favor! My plans for New Year's Eve were so much different. I hoped it would top the 2011 one but maybe next year. The other night I realized that this year I had my best birthday ever. At the beginning of 2016 I had the world and was on fire. Then somewhere along the way that changed. But it's always the case. I find myself, I lose myself just to find myself again. 

25 декември, 2016

just this

That awesome moment when I realize that I don't even know your middle name. And the thought that we might be in the same traffic jam. The end of the year seems to be the time for me to completely lose my sanity.
Yey me! I got myself plenty of presents for Christmas before it even came. My break started as a failure but turned out okay. I'm still sick but got to be around my family and we exchanged gifts and it was lovely.
It's been a hell of a year yet again. I'm almost glad it's over and yet I'm not ready for the new one. And, as it turned out I'm a little done with writing which is why I don't have much to say.
Oh, the other day when I was rereading the posts from this year I remembered when we stayed at my place and I was cold. I got up to find a shirt and you woke up and hugged me, wanting to get me warm again. It was one of the sweetest moments which I realized was missing because all those favorite moments are written in the diary I gave you. It's still the best love letter I ever gave someone. I have no idea where I found the courage to do it.
All things considered... I should have given up earlier but knowing myself well enough, I know it takes a while for the lesson to sink in and make a difference. So maybe next year I will do better by myself.
For the hopefully last time I am done fighting for people, chasing them and proving I deserve a place in their lives. I shouldn't be fighting so hard. I know I promised I'd stay when everyone else is gone but at this point I'm not sure you want me to. Hell, I've been standing here for a while now, wondering where that is exactly and yet you seem to be the one leaving. And I'm not holding you.
But if I must be entirely honest. I'd give it all back if I can have you. It's a lie that it gets easier. It doesn't. I get used to it more or less, reminding myself that people always leave. That doesn't mean that I don't want you to stay and be close like you used to. I'd want nothing more than to spend all the time in the world with you, watch movies, talk about anything and everything. I'd give it all just to have that. If you'd let me, I'd take all the darkness away and show you all it's beauty. I'd send you all my sunsets, all my moons. Hell, you'd be there with me when I take pictures of them. And of you and the smiles you have for when you enjoy stuff, when you're shy, when I catch you off guard and the one which I feel when you lean in to kiss me. I'd give anything to have more of that. That's what I wanted all this time. Just us. 

11 декември, 2016

trying not to

I already had most of my Christmas presents. Can we be done with Christmas already? I mean, I'd give all the stuff back for that one little thing that won't happen and that ruins everything. I miss last year. Everything had some kind of purpose then. Well, we all know how it turned out but still, it meant the world to me, all of it. Now, this? Pathetic on so many levels on my part. Not doing anything turned out to be the hardest thing yet and I'm doing it. I'm slowly letting go of all my ideas about it and realizing how pointless it all is. 
Okay, I know it isn't and it can be worth it and all that. But I mean seriously? Pretending nothing happened and acting like... The more time passes the more I realize that I don't feel like turning the world upside down and proving anything. I'm not waiting for something to happen but for my feelings or whatever to just go back where they came from so I can lock them up and be the numb version of myself that doesn't need or belong to anyone. 
It looks like I'll be all by myself on New Year's and I'm honestly glad. I mean, I've been on my own this year so it seems appropriate to welcome the new year with just me and my fireworks. Oh, and my camera. Ideally, I wanted to go somewhere where I'd be able to catch all the fireworks but I have a car only in theory so that's not an option. My two favorite holidays are coming and I don't feel like celebrating either.
I guess I'm done with writing and it's done with me as well. That applies to teaching too. I finally got the camera I wanted so I will give photography a try. And I've been a rockstar when it comes to my job. I only need to focus more for the Uni stuff and everything will be okay. I can't wait for the year to be over already, yet I don't feel like new beginnings. It's ironic really that I'm saving everyone and telling them everything is going to be okay and yet I can't seem to save my own damn self. Not that I'd admit I need saving. I don't. I'm better off on my own. Feelings just mess me up and then things fail as usual and I'm left to wonder how the hell will I find myself and where to start looking. I get it now. And I'm done, even if I have to remind myself that sometimes. Because Christmas makes you want to be with the people you love and well... It's just going to be me and my camera this year. 
Ironically enough I've been trying to change my hair because that's what I do when things are ending and it just won't turn out the way I want it. Irony! So as a bonus I got my helix pierced and I'm planning on a tattoo for January maybe. Then I'll figure something else out. And soon it will be summer and I'll be moving everything will be okay. It has to be okay at some point, right?

27 ноември, 2016

and i'm always tired but never of you


Понякога си мисля дали не е крайно време да изпиша всичко до последната капка емоция, докато не се изчерпам съвсем и не омръзна сама на себе си с това. После се отказвам бързо от ужас, че ако го изпиша ще спре да има значение. Познавам си начините за привидно заличаване и забравяне и този е един от тях. Имам ключа за вратата и стоя на прага, чудейки се от кой край да я заключа. 
Междувременно подраних с Коледа и си подарих подаръците от мен за мен. Вече може да идва пролет. 
My plans for the New Year's Eve are to watch the fireworks and go to bed anyway. Sunday is a family day and not parents but people who make you feel like home. I'm either homeless or I've learnt to make that feeling for myself because I don't feel like being anywhere with anyone except home by myself with me and my inspiration. 
Karma had something to say these couple of days but I'm ignoring the message and refusing to quit just yet. I'm standing far enough to miss him but still close enough to want it all. I know how to ruin what's left of me but for some reason I don't because hope keeps telling me that things will change any day now and he will realize that he wants it more than he's afraid of it. Wishful thinking has always been a thing for me. 
Also, I got things to do, so most of the time I'm in the illusion that we're just both busy and we'll talk later. Then it's later and we don't talk. I guess he got what I was trying to say or he got it all wrong and things I want nothing to do with him. Either way, distance will either make or break me. I've been through worse is my ultimate reply to all this hoping one day I stop comforting myself with that. I wanted to not be in between. Well, I got what I wanted. Now I want it all back, as little as it was but... I know I can't be in between for long. I want it all and anything less makes me feel like I'm not good enough. And I am.
But I'm still not writing about it or deserving my place in hell. For whatever reason I want to keep my awesome and loving self even if it makes me sad to miss him. I want it all, and sometimes I'm close to tears, or almost texting and then I stop and remind myself that it takes two to make things work. And even if you want it so bad, you can't make it work for the both of you. So either I lost a lot or I gained a lot... I'm still not sure which though the radio silence will surely answer that question. 
The worst thing about distance is you don't know if they miss you or they're forgetting about you, huh. 

25 ноември, 2016

and this is how...

I don't think you would have called to say you're back. Like you never told me what has been happening in your life. And like you didn't tell me you were coming back in the first place. I wasn't part of the plan anymore. It would have made me sad under different circumstances. But I had my moment of remembering and then realizing how different everything is now... How much I've changed over the last couple of years. I got nothing to prove to you anymore. I did so a while ago. I'm glad you're finally happy and you've found the right person. And I realize that the one and only definition is quite wrong in many ways. I'll leave it like that because of what it meant to me. But we've grown apart and that's life I guess.
I'm glad I got to see you and I'm happy for you. I'd rather spare the goodbye part for now. Mostly because it was a long time ago. And the person I knew back then is long gone as am I from that time. At least I got the song and the little moments to keep for record. And that's more than enough.

19 ноември, 2016

just the way you are

Turns out November is like a second May with all its sadness and goodbyes. Well, not exactly the same but it's still not fun for me. In fact, a break from all of it would be nice but it's actually not the work and the studying that's been torturing me but that other thing I'm not talking about.
And the final blow came over the phone after the lovely week of feeling like I'm disappearing, when I got the news that the one and only is back and he's been back for a week and a half and I didn't know about it. I mean, okay, I get it. But you could have told me. It's been four damn years and I've been waiting for the day when I'll see him again and feel it all over... Not the feelings exactly because those are long gone but the memories. After all, that's the reason I got here. Everything started with him and it's like a punch in the gut that knocks my breath out to know that he's back and I didn't even know about it.
Yet again I get the reminder that phones work both ways and I shouldn't be trying so hard for people who wouldn't put half the effort. Which is why I'm not writing about that other thing. It's been interesting ever since his birthday with my favorite smile on his face when he saw the T-shirt I made him and read the message in the book. And then the lights went off and he became mine for a little bit. I'd sleep better if I had him to hold me and kiss my forehead. Then just as I promised I was done trying he did and I got another 24 hours with him which were like a dream come true and pure bliss. Well, the things that make my days kill me afterwards. Which has been the case ever since his graduation which I missed. This is becoming a tendency... Missing the graduations of the most important people in my life. Third time in a row. This made me promise that I don't want anyone standing for me in the crowd for my graduation just so I don't have the memory being ruined by people who then won't be around. This is that me talking, the one wanting to live with cats for the rest of her life because people don't text back, never text first, forget to reply, can't be bother to ask you out or even just check on you and then leave after wanting you to stay for them. I wonder if the time for someone to stay for me will ever come sometimes. Then I remember that it's me and karma is never done screwing with me, so no - it won't. People like me are left behind to remember those who leave and write pathetic little poems and love letters for them. 
I'm a mess, if it's not obvious. And I miss him. I've been missing him but I won't be the one trying anymore, as hard as it may be. I've done the stupid hopeful 'oh, he will fall for me' crap and I know how it ends so I refuse to have to live through it yet again. 
For whatever reason things keep happening between us but by accident. And from what I know by now, when you want someone, you fight for them. Well, you haven't done that for me, so... And I keep saying that I'm not everybody and I shouldn't be placed along with them but if that's true, then I shouldn't be saying and proving it. I'll let it speak for itself and take care of me for a while. Because lately I need more saving than I had in a long time and I don't have it in me to fight and save someone else too. I want to, I really do. I'd go half crazy resisting the urge to fight some more for whatever this is but damn it, I deserve better.  
This year seems to be way more living on my part than writing and I'm not sure if it's a good thing. Well, it feels good to let it all out. Oh... There's always someone saving me at some point. Like he says, I should be happy and not sad. But I keep picking the wrong people that make me sad instead. It shouldn't be this hard, you know. And thanks for saving me this time. There is some irony there from five years ago. I realize yet again that some people will always be here, like me, so we can save each other when there's no one left. 
That picture from that moment when you played that song... You may have been thinking about someone else when you played it but I was there to see the look on your face and I swear I've never seen someone looking more like an angel in that moment. All I want to do is be there to keep you safe and just as innocent even when you think you don't deserve it. I shouldn't but I want to. 

17 октомври, 2016

if you keep messing with my head

Karma has a good sense of humor yet again. Radio silence must be a new trend going around the people in my life, whose presence I desire most. In other words, I miss you and I hate that I always say stuff and make things worse somehow but I'm also kind of glad I did because now I drew my own line and I will have a hard time crossing it which might make things easier. I can't count the times I've been promising to let things go and give up and I never do it for real. I keep talking, keep checking up and keep proving that I matter and I'm always here when in reality, if that was the case, I wouldn't have to prove it, right?
One of the very important lines I always fail to see is the one between not giving up and pointlessly holding on to something that will never be worth it. I mean... I used to feel it... Now I'm kind of glad I screwed things up so I can finally have a reason to move on and get over it. I can't always give chances and try to save everyone. I know how selfish that must sound and I do want to be here at all times as usual. I try to be. But at some point it just doesn't matter anymore. And the more I try, the harder it gets. I'm usually all up for creating my own hell or whatever, but I am actually trying to get better and this is not helping at all because I have almost everything I wanted and that almost makes me want to stay in bed and cry all day instead of enjoying everything else. 
It shouldn't be this hard and I shouldn't be fighting all the time. Hell, I shouldn't be fighting at all. I should be building walls and burning bridges so no one can cross them. You said so yourself. Then why on earth would you ever doubt me when I tell you I won't do anything that might make things worse for you. All I want to do is make it all better. Well... The road to hell must indeed be paved with good intentions. If you're already in hell, does it really matter if you're also going to hell? Didn't think so. 
In reality, I should be over the moon about the new people I got to meet and the realization that I am awesome and the world belongs to me. And I'd give anything to finally feel like it and not need anyone to make me feel complete. Instead, like the idiot I am, I keep waiting for something to happen, realizing that well... I'm an idiot and it was never something that was meant to be. I should start being faithful to my cats and get over all of this already. 
Yet I'm planning what to write in the book I got him for his birthday which the way things are, might turn out to be actually a Christmas gift instead. I hate people who break other people and then those other people are so broken that all the tape and all the glue in the world is not enough to even make them consider getting better and giving you a chance to help them. Let alone make them realize that you are worth being whole for... or at least functioning relatively normal just enough to make it work. 
In the end... Who the hell cares anyway... Whatever happens!

14 октомври, 2016

beautiful with you

October is the month of new beginnings this year and it started a bit off but I hope that changes from this week on. I'm still sick and still staying home for the day so I can get better. In the mean time I have to clean up my yet again messy room and prepare mentally for what will come.
And I blew my own wish. As always. Cuz I'm an idiot and I'm stupid and now I'm going to regret this for the rest of my life.I missed that... All of it as little as it may have been. I want it all and I got everything else. I want the crazy and the drama and everything that comes with it. I want to build sand castles and make houses of candles. I want to give embarrassing speeches where I pour my heart out and I want it all to be worth it.
So ... I got everything I wanted with the one exception that makes me want to throw everything else and not get out of bed sometimes. My job and colleagues are kind of awesome. I am loving it all. The lectures and the new specialty are a bit out of my depth but that won't be for long. I'm starting to understand things and I feel like I belong there. I can't imagine studying anything else or working anything else and enjoying it more than what I already have. This whole week I've been realizing how people who have just met me see how amazing I am and I'm not even trying. I should start believing and getting used to it. I managed to prove that I can do things almost all on my own and I'm so proud and happy for it. On top of all that I met so many awesome people who I'm kind of in love with and I can't wait to spend more time with them. I have no idea how I manage to find the exactly right people to have fun with and to match my insanity but well... I'm me. And that seems to be a very good thing which I had doubts about. It was all fine when someone else told me I was awesome. I think those last couple of days I finally got to feel it and understand it for myself. And I'm sure that euphoria will disappear soon enough so I'd very much like to remember how good it felt to finally find my place and to have things work out.
As for the exception...
Иронично е как всеки ден се разминаваме някъде между Софийски университет и Сердика по два пъти. Както беше с морето и планината, оставането ми в Студентски и местенето ти извън него, записването ми на магистратура, поправянето и разрушението, желанието за още и отказването, напред и назад... Иронично е как за всяка свалена стена вдигаш нови две, а ми казваш, че не искаш да се отказвам. Няма, докато не поискаш. Не знаеш, но съм от онези, които остават след като хората си тръгнат, за да си събирам каквото е останало и да си търся нови хора. Не се уча и не ми стигат кръговете в ада. Доказвам ти без да си ме карал, че не всички си тръгват, докато си вземат каквото искат от теб и се моля ти да не направиш именно това с мен. Не би трябвало да е толкова сложно и да се опитвам толкова много. Спрях и да го правя. Границата между смела и жалка поне съм се научила да разпознавам и стоя на границата. 
Well... I'm still me. I've found what I was looking for and I'm going to fight like hell to keep it and make it even better because that's what I do best and who I am. And giving up was never enough for me. I'm still here and still wanting it all. You included. 

30 септември, 2016

if you don't shoot it

Well, I did get almost everything I wanted. Almost seems to be the word that keeps popping up in my life one way or the other. This year has been less about writing and more about living. I reached a whole new level of crazy in a good way. If anyone would have told me I'd get into a relationship like that and keep it going for half a year... I would have laughed at them. Then again, isn't it what I always wanted? To not feel, to not be a part of... Well, no. I'd have very much liked it to be the other way around. But things don't work out the way we want them to. And that's okay somehow. 
I wanted to be a writer. I've written plenty of crap over the years and just a few decent lines that are worth something. I wanted to teach and write. I gave up on teaching. It's not what I thought it would be. I wanted to study writing, or something in English again. Well, I'm not. I've changed a lot over just a year. 
I mean look at me. A year ago I was afraid to leave my own damn place. Then I had the world again. I had it all. And I was out there, loving every minute of it. Now... I'm a few days from starting a lot of new things and I'm scared half to death because people don't get what they want. And I did. With that one tiny exception that is going to be distracting me for a long time. Now is the time to prove that it was all worth it. That I am worth it. And I'm afraid that I might not be. I can say "So what?" all I want and pretend none of it matters but it does. It so does. 
And that story is always going to be a painful reminder that I'm not the one, not good enough, not first, not anything. Yes, now it's all better. But it doesn't change the story. I'm always here and that's the problem. But I can't not be. If that's why I lose, then so be it. 
A while ago I said I am finding or rather creating a new version of me and I'm not sure how it will turn up. Well, this new me... Will either be the best or the worst version ever. I've been in the grey for too long and I don't like it. And... I guess I've learned a thing or two over the year because I started to make smarter choices lately and I am proud of that. 

Oh, it's such a shame

So... I ended it, whatever it was. I've been saying that I want all five things but I guess the last one I will learn to live without. Four out of five is still pretty good. Weird thing is, we used to be so much closer and then we weren't. Until last night, after I ended things and we got back to being close. 
I get it, your life is still a mess. And I'd very much like to help you fix it but I can't. It's not my place and... I need saving from myself if I'm still justifying the fact that I lost what was not even a thing in the first place. 
On the plus side, I'm still in my room for at least a year, so no packing my own things for now. I finally have a car, though I'm pretty sure it will be a while before I actually get to drive it. But still, the dream came true and I can't even believe it yet. I think I'll wake up any minute and realize it was just a dream after all. Well, it isn't. I got accepted to the two MAs I applied for and any day now I will sign up for one of them. And finally, hopefully soon I will have a new job and will become one of those super happy people who have no time to not be happy. Or I will be tired and sleepy all the time. Still, I will be too busy to think about the last piece of the puzzle and how much I miss it still. I've been missing it for a while now but it was never truly mine to begin with. 
I'd very much like to believe that this is not the end of this story and that maybe someday... But it's a thought that's going to eat me alive, so I'm just going to admit how grateful I am to have met him and to have been part of his world for a little while. I'll be grateful if we also stay friends even if I want more than that... Having him in any way possible is way better than losing him. 
And finally, I am grateful to all the people that left. And to all those who are still around. I am almost exactly where I wanted to be. For once I'm finally reading the books I want. I have time to myself. I have friends to cheer me up when life starts to suck and... And I have me... A little fucked up, a little lost but still breathing and still fighting. Some things are worth it. Some people are worth it even more. And so am I.

03 септември, 2016

stitches

Трябва да започна да снимам изгреви, да заспивам рано и да се събуждам с желание да не прекарам деня в леглото си, защото уикенда е твърде далеч. Предвид, че обичам крайностите, яснотата и решенията, липсата на такива ми отнема желанието за подобни неща. Вместо това искам да си седя в леглото цял ден, да си снимам залезите и да не виждам звездите.
Всеизвестен факт - пиша или когато нещата са много подредени или са твърде хаотични. Липсва ми да пиша, макар че работя върху нов проект. Дано поне него завърша.
Това със изгревите е като пожелаването не на падащи звезди, а на още светещи. Самонаправен оптимизъм, за да компенсира постоянния песимизъм. Продължавам да искам света. Искам всичко и го искам сега. Уча се на търпение. Хубавите неща нали ставали бавно. Може би това е урок, който е крайно време да науча, защото винаги бързам и винаги после съм забъркала такава каша, че не знам как се излиза от нея. Та ... Бавно, постепенно, от разстояние, без минаване на граници и с много търпение.
I want it enough to be willing to wait. I want it all, not just bits and pieces of what it's supposed to be. And that applies to work, relationships, university. All things really. I'm finally old enough to realize that I deserve more and I can still do better. I am finding a new better version of my own self and improving it step by step. So I get it. I'm a work in progress too.

12 август, 2016

different shades of the same

Ноемврийско и студено ми е. Пише ми се за това как тръгваш да пресичаш преди да е светнало зеленото, а аз те спирам, защото ми трябва повод да хвана ръката ти. Държа се прилично, а ми казваш да правя каквото искам. Да говоря, без да се спирам. Казвам ти, че когато го правя плаша хората, а ти ми казваш, че все пак искаш да знаеш.
Тази игра не я умея. Плаши ме. Все едно си ми написал сценария и като кукла ме караш да си го следвам, а когато изляза от него, се дръпваш и ме оставяш сама да си оправям оплетените конци.
So, I need a reality check and the weekend would be perfect for it, since you will be gone. Only when I was gone last week, it was when I felt us getting closer and when I got back, things got weird somehow. Which is why I will give you all the space you need. But then you told me you got me a pillow because I keep stealing yours when I sleep at your place. Am I misreading things or are you fooling around with me?
Well, we've already established that I'm easy to manipulate and easy period. I can't play your games because I give myself away way too fast and you can figure me out in like a second. Yet somehow you keep things going in your own way because... Well, maybe because you want to, maybe because you don't really want to be alone. And I'm always there, so... My reality check often goes to some pretty dark places. So I will stop with the Friday rant and get back to work.

10 август, 2016

she's looking at you

I keep telling you to stop overthinking it and I can't do the same. I'm scared as hell because I care a little bit too much and I realize that I'm not as dead inside as I hoped to be by this time. In fact I'm quite alive and I even gave up on my plan of going to hell on the express train. I started making some smart decisions and building my life the way I want it to be. In fact, the last couple of days I've been confused and not able to decide and then last night it all came loud and clear. I know what I want. I've always known what I want. And I've never been scared to go and get it. 
I might as well do the same with us and admit that I've already given you all the weapons to destroy me, hoping you don't. I'm not a kid anymore. I don't get to be scared and run from the things I want. Or ruin things just because they might fail. I am old enough to know what I want and strong enough to survive if I don't get it. I'm too much for most people and not enough for some but I'm doing my best at all times for those who deserve it and I don't have time for people who don't do the same.
For the first time in a long time I actually feel like I have something to lose and not something that might happen but something that is happening. 
Well, the world belongs to me, so I might as well give it all I've got and hope for the best as usual.

30 юли, 2016

supposed to be

I'm not writing you down. On purpose. Because the things I write about go away.
Instead I want to make an account of my saying goodbye in more than one way to some people in my life who no longer deserve my time and effort. Every summer I pack someone's things and move on. It's a tradition and I don't like to disappoint. So, everything is in a box under my bed because I want to keep things but not see them anymore. I don't mind talking to the said people, but I won't be the one reaching out. I've done so time and again and I got mocked and laughed at for it.
Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for not asking. I don't care how your life is going, as long as it keeps on going away from me. I, on the other hand, have found myself, a newer better version that couldn't care less about such people and have come to realize that people can come and go and I will still be fine. Maybe not happy, but fine it pretty good all things considered.
Also, it was a surprise who showed up to save my sorry ass when I didn't even know I needed saving. Well, that is still to be further considered because I do feel like deserving my place in hell but there is this tiny voice of hope still whispering in my head and also the thing that I am purposefully not writing about. It means too much when I have too little and care about too little. So... Fingers crossed and all but I'm keeping it whichever way it goes. Thanks for giving me inspiration to write when I thought that I'm done writing.
I thought this whole deserving my place in hell would be an experience full of self-loathing. It turned out to be healing in a way I never thought possible. I don't care what others think, I don't care if it's wrong on principle. I do what I want and I feel good about it. And at the end of the day I'm all I have, so.
For such an angry looking post, I have to admit that I no longer feel angry or betrayed. I am numb and empty. Which, for me, is like a whole new level of awesome, because I usually always feel too much. Well, I've tied all knots, found some new to deal with. It's life you know. It may suck every now and then but nights like the other are worth it all. And there is nothing like feeling lost and then having a friend show up to remind you how awesome you truly are.
I may hate it all sometimes, curse too much and act like an ungrateful spoiled little bitch, but if you know me, then I don't need to tell you it's all an act. And if you don't, well, think whatever the hell you want. Have a nice life guys. I am thankful to have spent time around and with you. I would be also thankful to never have to see your faces again. Thanks for making me stronger and for proving yet again that I can be wrong about people. I have a lot more to learn but I am a few steps closer to learning. And at the end of the day, it was mostly about me proving things to myself. It's still my story and you were just a chapter, never the whole story.

14 юли, 2016

it sure as hell ain't me

Sleep deprivation and over exhaustion have been sucking the life out of me for... Not sure how long anymore. Time flies and nothing changes. When I said I'd destroy my old self, I didn't think I actually would. Turns out it really isn't all that hard anymore. I miss him... Rather, I miss who I thought he was and I hate how one word and not even from me, changed it all. It's like proof that I never meant anything which seems to be a theme of my life.
I see him all broken, tortured, awesome, thinking he isn't worth it anymore and I have to keep myself from wanting to shake him hard and make him see that he is worth it. But I don't. I sit there, pretending not to smile everytime he says something that breaks my world yet again and makes me want to build castles. I want to try and save you so much but I can't keep saving people in the vain hope that someone might save me too. Because sane people run from the scary and damaged.
I keep waiting for that day in the distant future when I'm going to wake up and be free. I know how this goes. I know it all by heart. I'm never the choice, not even an option mostly but the lack of one. I'm not the one, never will be. I don't need to see it over again to know how it's going to turn out. So yeah, I like talking to you, I like seeing the world through your eyes when you let me, I'd very much like to try and save you. But first I'd really like to save myself and I don't really need a reminder of how much I hardly ever matter yet again.
I'm keeping my distance and praying not to go crazy in the mean time. Enough is enough.

29 юни, 2016

keep away

I haven't been whole to begin with. So I didn't break yet again. Not the same way. I'm breaking every day and turning into the person who doesn't deserve the good things because I want to have a reason why things don't work out and I want it to be my fault. I'm going to proudly deserve my place in hell and be done with it. 
It used to mean the world to me ... Having you, feeling something for someone again. Now it is exactly what motivates me to destroy this part of myself once and for all. And it's exactly the reason why I don't want to start something with someone as awesome as him. I don't want to go through any more of this, even if it might be worth it. I'm not worth it anymore. Or if I am, I'll make sure not to be pretty soon. 
Because just thinking about it all makes me want to cry and scream. I smile instead. Just the effort sort of makes it all go away. But then a song starts or I hear something that reminds me of you and I remember things all over again. I knew very well that the things that used to make my day will be breaking me afterwards. Well, this is it. And I'm sort of glad they do, because masochistically enough, it means I'm still me. But it also means that I no longer want to feel that way ever again. I don't want to make efforts and I don't want to be involved. I'm done with people. 
Not so surprisingly, when you take a step back and no one notices, you realize that your presence never made a difference and your absence never makes any difference as well. At least mine doesn't. So why should I even bother? I'm better off. 
In all honesty, the stupid idiotic hopeful part of me is still holding on to the only few pieces left of my shadow of a soul. And I'd very much like to keep it but in the same time I don't. What good does it do to have one, when no one around cares? I don't want to be the exception anymore. I want to be careless, reckless and not giving a damn about what anyone thinks. 
Well, I tried, I failed. I don't like failing. So I'm done. With all of it. Phones work both ways, I exist not only when you have nothing else to do and well... Have a nice life, or whatever!

26 май, 2016

dead inside

I keep discovering new definitions of hell. Hell is what came after I finally told him. Well... It ended. And I can play it a hundred times over and over in my head and it won't change a thing. Because I'm never the one, hell, I don't even count for much. It's the story of my life, so why should it start to change now. 
I'm functioning relatively normal, mostly pretending for everyone else and hoping to actually feel fine. Otherwise I cry when I finally make it home after a long day because I miss talking to him and having him around and in return for my love confession I get radio silence because it's the scariest thing in the world that someone who has been hurt time and again before has managed to fall for you and you can't even give her a real chance. 
Anyway... I decided to redo my old tattoo because it's as good a time as any and it might bring me back my inspiration and faith in my own damn self. I seriously can't seem a point in anything I'm doing these days and work seems to be the only relief because it keeps me busy and I don't have to remember anything. I don't even have the diary. It must be the realest love letter I've ever given to someone. 
I feel like some part of me is dying yet again and I don't want it to die because I want to love again some day but at the same time I hope I become dead inside so I never have to feel that way ever again. I'm pushing back the old habits and fighting the urge to do stupid things that will only lead to more problems afterwards. I need to get through this by myself somehow.
There is some magic in the fact that the weather has been bipolar, matching the way I feel lately. The next few months will be an interesting period of my life. And by interesting I mean a new circle of hell. I know I've survived worse but I was hoping I'd finally stop comforting myself in such a way. Well, things keep happening and they suck, so... I get points for breathing.

16 май, 2016

only makes me love you more

Hell is the distance I feel between us when you're holding me. Because there is no us to begin with.
Now the whole world is going to start posting pictures of the rainbow. My world already did. It makes me happy that we looked at the rainbow at the same time. Sleep deprivation has something to do with that.
It ended. I finally confessed and it took me one hell of a week to even realize what I'd done and how far I'd gone. Tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning for me. I turn a new page and start over, hoping my feelings disappear. I'll have plenty of work to do and I don't need the distraction. 
It would have been so great for this to work out. I'm sure this is not the end of this story. I have a feeling there is going to be more and not just friendship. I'm grateful to have found such an amazing person who is worth all my words and efforts. I wish I had tried harder but I'm scary when I do so. I did my best, I tried and it's going to take me a long time to get over this but I've got plenty of practice. And this is the brave me that has nothing to do with the me that cried every day for a week and couldn't sleep and eat. I almost went back to the black hole I've been trying to escape for a year and I managed to escape yet again with only some brief reminders.
It ends or it doesn't. I'll focus on my new job and the state exam. That's as far in the future as I'm going to have a plan. I'm not going to act out and start going out with everyone with a pulse because I'm not that type of girl. I'll give myself some time to get over this and hopefully it will sooner rather than later.

10 май, 2016

I'm betting on me this time

I'm quietly drawing a line for myself and will do my best to not cross it. 
Almost two years ago I gave up on holding on to someone who didn't care enough to do so. I made excuses when he didn't even bother to give me any. I made plans, I fought, I tried and held on. I promised I won't do it again and I intend to keep that promise. I'm not holding up space for anyone, especially someone who is not sure if he wants it in the first place. When the answer is always 'no' you stop asking the same question expecting a different one and move on. You find another way. 
Experience has taught me to take care of my own damn self finally and you make me happy but that doesn't mean you get to make plans with me only when no one else is around. Not when I'd drop things off to be with you. 
My mistake - I always teach them that they come first and I always come last, not even second. I choose myself for once because no one else did and because they should have. You should have. Also I'm sleepy and a bit pissed and trying to prove something, so I will stop here.
The world belongs to me and I will make it the way I want it to be. I don't need people to make me happy. I have myself and that, considering how many shit I've been through, is a lot. So make up your damn mind and stop wasting my time. 

07 май, 2016

temporary

най-силно оставям следи
където била съм за малко
задържа ли се за повече
спирам да имам смисъл
и колкото и дълго да стоя
все по-малко се виждам
и липсвам понякога
повече сама на себе си
когато най-сетне тръгна
ако изобщо го сторя
често забравям и стоя
когато вече други няма
дано някога някой успее
и мен да научи на това
да оставам за малко
и после да тръгвам
и да оставям следа

24 април, 2016

feelings

It's raining. I almost walked home in the rain but I have nice friends who insisted to take me home. I have feelings. Don't give me hope. They need to disappear because things never work out for me and I've had enough disappointments to last a lifetime. Don't tell me you wonder if he has feelings as well. He doesn't. It's a fact - the people I love never love me back. Not really anyway. I'm just an in-between girl until they get back to the love of their life or finally meet her. I don't matter. Nothing ever does. 
The drowning was the first sign that I'm going back to the hell I spent a year coming back from. The two days of sleep and not wanting to get out of bed is the second. Wanting to get drunk or even light a cigarette is the third. Well, I'm already there. And my mom made sure of that by ruining the one thing I was looking forward to as usual. 
Yes, I had a dream the other day that inspired me to write another story. I even have a few pages started but I can't see the point to any of this. I'll start writing, then I'll have other things to do because I need education and I have exams and work and then the inspiration will leave because everything and everyone leaves me sooner rather than later. And that will be it. 

16 април, 2016

scent of a woman

I'm pretty sure I'm not the one and not even the only one right now but I still can't help but wanting to kiss you when you're falling asleep in my arms and I can't not feel like I have the world every time you're holding me tight while we're watching a movie or just when we haven't seen each other for a couple of days. I love waking up when you're holding me and trying to make me warm again because I can't keep warmth within my own body for long. I love touching your face when your angry and turning your anger into gentle purring. I love all our little moments which I know hardly mean anything because nothing in my life ever does but considering the fact that this fake relationship is more real than my supposedly real ones, I'm holding on to it. I'm not good for more anyway. Even if I am, I'll never have it and I still feel tempted to mess things up just so I know it's my own fault when everything goes to hell again. Screw positive thinking.
I deserve it all, I'll keep working my ass of and keep being the best possible version of myself as usual. I know I won't be the one but hoping hasn't killed me yet and what else have I got to lose anyway. Just for the record, I can be your everything. Hell, I can be anyone's everything as long as I want to. The bad thing is no one even tries to be that for me which is why positive thinking can't really work for me. I used to think positively and got through hell a couple of times for it. I'd rather believe that I deserve the worst so I'm not surprised when that's all I get. 
Still, Vili's words go over and over in my head and I keep smiling like an idiot. She asked me to imagine it all just for a moment - him and me together... Felt like magic just like it always does when I'm around him. But I just figured I'm the only one for once yet again - the only one who sees and believes in us. And there is no us to even begin with. There has never been and chances are there won't be. Because I'm too easy and too all the wrong things and not enough the right ones. 
Dear parents, thanks for giving me issues to live with when everyone of my friends gets married and all I end up with is my issues and lots of cats. 

07 април, 2016

find it all

So, it's April and I haven't decided anything. I'm going with the flow because it feels right and last week was just amazing even if it will never happen again. We were together like almost every night and we talked, did some cleaning, went out to dinner. He was even on a birthday in the same bar we go to with my friends and he came back to hang out with us. He even hugged me out of nowhere and it felt like something... I don't know. I might be misreading it all but I'm not giving up yet, even if there is no chance. I like having him in my life and I'm not about to lose that. And I know the second I tell him how I actually feel things won't be the same and we won't be as close. Waiting for May, I guess. It's like for two weeks I am completely fine with things the way they are and then I start thinking about it and wanting to get it over with and end things before I get even more attached. But what is going to happen if I do? We won't see each other anymore, we won't talk. It will be like breaking up without even having been anything more really. I don't want that. If things are going to change for the worse, I don't want to be the one changing them. Well, for now, at least.
Damn, it feels so weird to pass by people who used to mean the world to you and not even feel like saying hi to them. He didn't see me, so I pretended I haven't seen him as well and didn't say anything. If someone had told me few years ago that I'd pass him by and not even feel like talking to him, I would have laughed so hard. Ashes to ashes, I guess.
My life is nothing like I thought it would be when I finished high school. It would never have even occurred to me that things will be so different. That I'd be going through different kinds of hell for most of that time and will end up in almost the same position with someone else. Well it's not exactly the same but it kind of feels like it at times. Only it's not a circle of hell (not yet, anyway) because it's nothing serious. Not that I don't want it to be but it ain't really up to me. 
And there's the state exam coming and I'm already making plans for the summer, for next year, for after I'm done with SU. I'm hoping that by now I would have figured out how to accept the fact that I'll be living with fifteen cats and will be the drunk auntie at all my friends' family celebrations and the bitter old cat lady afterwards. 
I honestly am scared to even consider the idea of having someone in my life. I'll be scared all the time that he'll get tired of me and leave or will only be with me out of loneliness of something. When the cynical bitter part of my self shows I know it's time to go to bed and hope things are better tomorrow. Not that they are bad today but I haven't slept much and it's been a long day, so I don't have positive things to talk about. Still, it's April and I owed myself the confession that I'm a coward and the excuse to keep my mouth shut at least for a little while longer. 
Oh, and the weather was on my side. I got a dark cloud to follow me around and match my mood. 
The other day while I was waiting for the bus I saw a man running with his arms spread and I wondered what's making him do that. Then I saw a little girl running to him in the same way. He picked her up and turned around a couple of times while holding her and his wife was smiling and looking at them a few steps away. That's when I realized that it's what I want. Well, not now. Someday maybe. But I ain't that lucky and my special someone will probably go back to an ex or something or won't even give me the chance at all. So cats, dogs and books is all I want. The rest is scary. 

21 март, 2016

all of me

Щастието е телефон, който не звъни, но получава съобщения.
Липса на обяснения, обещания, понякога дори чувства.
Спонтанност и несигурност.
Бели цветя, сини дневници, полу-луния.
Романтични срещи без да са романтични и още по-малко срещи.
Приглушена светлина, притихнал глас.
По-малко думи, повече безмълвия.
Ненатрапчивост с малки дози внимание.

Щастието ми си има име, но дали е щастие или сама лъжа себе си не се знае.
Лъжа, знае се. Щастието никога не е просто благдарност, че ни има.
Обикновено е благодарност, че някой друг го има и съдбата го е събрала не с друг, а именно с нас. Щастието е хубаво само докато го има. Понякога дори е по-добре да не знаеш, че може да го има, защото с него идва страха, че ще си иде или ще го загубиш. А то винаги се губи, никога не трае вечно. Привидно те спасява от удавяне, докато не започне да те дави липсата му.
Щастието не познава притежателни местоимения. Не обича да принадлежи, нито да остава. Научили са го, че най-много липсват онези, които ги няма и не са останали достатъчно дълго, за да им се наситиш. А и от подобно щастие насищане няма. Ставаш зависим, молиш се за поредната си доза и изпадаш в пристъпи на нелепа жалкост при по-дълга липса. Абстиненцията си прави с теб каквото иска, щастието също и започваш да се чудиш имаш ли нужда от подобно щастие или е по-добре без него. Докато не усетиш, че не си отива и не започнеш да го държиш все по-силно, а то все по-бързо се изплъзва от и без това слабите ти пръсти. И си отива както си е дошло. А от теб остава там каквото е останало. Както винаги.
Щастието... Дори не знае, че е щастие и изобщо не се интересува от дефинициите, които съм му отредила, а за мен дори си няма такава.
След всички щастия после ти иде сам да се удавиш в каквото там намериш - кафе, ром, текила. И всички щастия после забравят за съществуването ти и отричат някога да си им бил щастие изобщо. Освен едно единствено, което винаги ще бъде изключение от правилата. Щастията са си самодостатъчни. Обикновено, не им трябваш, за да са щастливи.
Щастието има най-прекрасната усмивка и мирише на дом и спокойствие, а вкуса на устните му напомня на ванилия и вечност. 

19 март, 2016

take me to church

There some irony in nights like this. In her looking at me like she owns it all, not having any idea what happens when she's not around. This sounds way worse than it actually is. I must have looked the same way when I was in her place. I know all his moves down to the last one and I feel tempted to try and wrap him around my finger just to put her in her place but... It's not my place to do so and that's just my dark side wanting to destroy things. 
Fine, let's say you're testing me. Can you like... Let me know? I feel like I'm walking on thin ice all the time, waiting for it to break, almost hoping it does sooner rather than later so at least I know my sentence. I even go back to my defense mechanisms where I try to ruin things before they ruin themselves. I keep putting it off and waiting for March, needing an excuse to not deal with things. Or even wondering if there's something to deal with in the first place. Yeah, that insecure. And that much I don't trust my own instincts, questioning my every more and doubting my every decision. Well, there's a reason why I'm still holding on and also a reason why he hasn't given up on this. And tonight I got another little reason to hope, so I'm not ruining anything just yet. 
Even the fact that I am considering just going out with someone else feels like cheating and I'm not even in a relationship. Either something is really wrong with me or it's just that something is wrong with everyone. 
People are amazing! Some of them have fire inside of them and it lights you up as well. And I am enough. The only reason my story sucks so far is because I choose people who make me feel like I'm not good enough without ever trying to first solve their own issues. So now instead of people I have issues. 
I do belong and not just to myself. I know it doesn't matter because he doesn't want me to and he doesn't even know it (or pretends so), I'm his. And just for tonight I don't care if he's not mine. I swear I had to force myself to let him go last night. It's getting harder to hide and control my feelings but I good my reminder how much it sucks when it all falls apart and chances are it will because that's just my luck. I'd rather have him this way than have it all and lose it yet again. And it's not a nice feeling to stand on the sidelines when you used to be the star. Yet another story of my life. Time to sleep it off and keep pretending I couldn't care less. Hopefully it won't be just pretending some day. 

18 март, 2016

little do you know

Pretending not to feel anything is becoming impossible. I keep waiting for the month to be over, the teaching practice... I'm sure I can find hundred if not thousand more excuses. I'm giving myself another chance on Sunday before I actually drop the bomb and ruin it all. It's obvious that you don't feel the way I do and it makes me want to stay in bed all day and cry about it. In fact I've had a few moments like that but managed bravely to still get up and pretend it doesn't mean as much. It does. And it's hurting me to know that yet again I'm falling all by myself. Well, it is the story of my life which will lead me to living with many cats in the next few years so why should that plan change now.
I do manage to keep myself busy for now. It won't last for long and I'm already forcing the words to not leave my lips every damn time I'm around you. I have too much feelings and can't get control over them. As if I've ever been able. But I'm giving myself a chance to get out in a less painful way and really wishing it works. Otherwise I'll be giving my own damn sentence pretty soon. I want it, all of it. I can see it happen, almost believe it is happening. How can I see it so clearly when you don't even seem to have even noticed my pathetic smile.
I keep wanting to give what little is left of my soul to people and all they want is my body. Then when what's left of my soul disappears thanks to them, they will be asking me if I have a soul. All the irony yet again.
I'm usually all for the label I get pretty often these days. I deserve it. Hell, I've deserved it long time ago. I'm easy and shallow at times. I pretend to be, at least, hoping it becomes true. I hate having feelings and wanting someone so much. I'd rather not feel anything.

11 март, 2016

imperfect

Well, Google decided to slap me in the face after last night's trip down insanity lane. Turns out sleep deprivation and coffee are no longer my friends. I knew that but I thought I was sane enough to be able to handle them. I am not. Which is why I turned this horrible busy Thursday into a day off. Plus I'm getting sick again and my responsibilities cannot be avoided for more than a day.
He keeps doing those tiny little things that now fill my heart with joy and will be killing me when I turn into a full-time idiot and finally tell him how I really feel if he hasn't seen it written all over my face already. The flower, the phone number, the dates that are not real dates, the perfume, the cute little moment of joking around and hugging. It would be nice for someone to finally love me back. And when I say someone, I mean him but he doesn't get to know that... Not yet anyway. 
So yeah, I set up my Google calendar to send me an e-mail and remind me of an old anniversary as if I won't remember. It's funny how my anxiety kicked in right before it. I don't like March. I hope it moves as quickly as it came. And it's been five months of this. I wonder how much more it can go on without a change and will I be the one to change it. The stupid thing is I can see clearly how perfect he is for me and how imperfect I am for him. Which is why I totally get why he's not head over heels into me. But I still want him to be. Now it's time to be a hero yet again and survive the next two weeks without going crazy. 

29 февруари, 2016

respectively

You're showing me the world and telling me I can't have it. I have no idea why on earth you'd go through the trouble of doing that just to be nice or whatever. It feels like we're going somewhere at some point and then it turns out it's all in my head and we're nowhere because there is no we to begin with.
So, yes, I love it when people finally realize how much I meant to them and how supportive, caring and awesome I am but I'd very much like for someone to finally realize it while I'm still around trying and not when I'm so done with them that I don't even have their number anymore. So what if you realized you were wrong to give up on me?! So what if I tell you what went wrong when it felt right?! It doesn't feel right when I look back. It feels like a waste of time and energy, a waste of feelings, of moments. I can't for the life of me regret it because I stayed for a reason but maybe I shouldn't have tried so hard.
Then again from a girl who has almost everything she wants I turned to the one that never gets it all and I got lost again. I've been reading things, desperately trying to find the right words for the way I feel because I can't seem to write them down on my own. Well, I guess I have to.
I don't want to have to prove it, say it or anything but I'm good for more than just that. I'm the girl that will be totally irrational and cry because of a movie but also the girl that will hold your hand and be there for you whenever you need me.
Well, I guess I got lost again. Hopefully I'll be able to find myself and start believing people when they tell me how awesome I am. And hopefully the others realize it while I'm still around and care.
P.S. Sometimes you need to look back to realize how badly you want nothing to do with the past anymore and how much you enjoy the present as hard as it may be. Yeah, I want it all, I want it now and I'm not the girl that gets it all but on good days it's enough to at least get to pretend I do. Thanks!

17 февруари, 2016

half past five

Никога
не оставя
часовника си
на вратата,
нито забравя
да го поглежда,
и си тръгва сам
винаги
когато помисля,
че може би
ще поиска 
да остане
или да ме вземе
със себе си.

31 януари, 2016

hurricane

I'd very much like to kiss you every damn time someone pisses you off. Especially while you're driving. I'd kiss you every time and at some point you'll want to get pissed so I'd kiss you. I'd make you tea when your throat hurts and massage you whenever you want me to. I'd watch shitty movies, eat pizza or watch you play with your programs and gadgets all day long. I'd gladly drown in the blue of your eyes and never ask for more but to just be close for real. Not like we are now, but like... Yeah, that's my pathetic way of saying "please, fall for me, because I'm falling for you".
That was a while ago. It felt like something was ending the other day and I can't get rid of the feeling. I feel like the door, or window, or whatever it is, might be closing, so I'm desperately trying to open some new ones for the sake of not staring out the one I want to keep open for as long as possible. 
I'm a bit scared and you seem different. Or I'm overthinking it. On top of that one of my nightmares came to life a week ago and scared the hell out of me so I'm slowly recovering from it. I survived, which was a surprise and I'm not back to my old dark place. It's been a hell of a week and the weekend was too short but worth it. 
I could use some writing time if I only could focus enough to do some writing that is worth reading afterwards. January always goes way too fast for me and February is not a favorite. Let's hope that changes this year. Wishful thinking never works for my pessimistic soul but a girl can hope. And right about now that's all I have in more than one ways. 
The funny thing is I'm hoping he chooses me while still wondering why anyone would. I'm awesome because I survived and I keep doing so, but in the same time I'm fifty shades fucked up and I have no idea how anyone can be around for more than a few hours. Yeah, I know all that. Choose me anyway, you know. 

04 януари, 2016

I'm ripped at every edge (but I'm a masterpiece)

Преливам от щастие, а още дори не е настъпило утрото. Не мога да си намеря място, не мога да си събера разпилените емоции. Те всички ми носят щастие и ми напомнят колко съм прекрасна и специална. Особено онези най-близките го правят всеки ден. Днес в двойни количества. И ми пожелават всички прекрасни неща, които някой може да поиска, при това в повече. А аз не искам много. Стига ми. От повече ме е страх. Не искам да има какво да губя. Губих достатъчно през последните две години. 
Затова и сега ме е страх. Не искам да ти показвам колко съм прекрасна. Предимно, защото съм го правила и не се брои за много. А и тя ми повтаря, че опознаят ли ме, ще се убедят в обратното. И аз й вярвам. Затова не мисля, че заслужавам приказката или каквото там може да бъде. Не дърпам конци, не играя игри и не бягам. Стоя си и оставям на другите да решат колко близо искат да бъдат до мен. 
Да, толкова добре са ме научили да си знам мястото. Не хората определят коя съм, но все пак помня всяка дума, всяка забележка. Не искам да принадлежа на рамка, да ме напъхват в кутия. Но и затова не позволявам сама на себе си да се покажа, за да не пожелаят именно това да направят с мен. Страхливка съм с причини. Issues, you know. We all have them. Mine still torture me sometimes when I let them. And sometimes when I don't. 
Well, whatever. Happy birthday to me! I do hope at least some of the wishes come true. I'll make sure to play my part and do my best as usual. Above all I hope I'm strong enough to face whatever comes next. I know I won't be facing it alone. I have awesome friends and I'm lucky that way. 

02 януари, 2016

I am mine

Януари е. След два дни пораствам. За втори път се изумявам от това колко много нещата се променят само за година. Вглеждам се в себе си и вече виждам спомените, сякаш съм ги живяла. Не са ми чужди, не болят. Да, иде ми да запаля цигара. Но няма. Старите навици отекват в мен, подобно на несбъднатите обещания за вечност. 
Обича ми се - смело, безразсъдно, с риск пак да ме разхвърлят из основи и да се чудя пак как се дишаше. Но не! Толкова смелост нямам. На тази история краят е ясен. В мен не се влюбват наистина. Преминават, стоплят се и ми казват как съм всичко, което някога са искали. После си отиват. 
От време на време ми се иска да се удавя в малкото останала заключена в душата ми романтика. Да се потопя и да я разлея около себе си, за да не ми краде дъха. Вдъхновения за лудост си имам и без това. 
Пак поглеждам в отражението си и този път усмивка се появява на устните, а очите блестят. Отне ми цяла година да намеря себе си, да се поправя, да подредя хаоса. Смелост за душевни самоубийства нямам. Още сънувам кошмари с призраците от чуждо минало. Щом съм била толкова сладка и наивна през цялото време, как сега да повярвам пак на каквото и да било. По-добре ми е да не вярвам. 
От теб ме е страх най-много. Заради мечето. Защото ти пука, но е достатъчно. Целуваш ме, сякаш искаш да те обичам завинаги, а ми казваш точно обратното. Позвлявам ти да видиш, че не съм като другите, но няма значение. Всички виждаме каквото си поискаме. 
А и е от празниците. Ще ми мине желанието да принадлежа. Ничия винаги съм била най-много себе си. По-добре ничия, отколкото с някой, който не знае как да ме обича. Да, не съм никак лесна за обичане. Но няма да обяснявам защо си струва и колко силно мога да обичам. Ще си пазя любовта за котките. 
Забавното е, че всички, които не ме познават искат да ме обичат и веднага виждат колко добре си пасваме. Да не споменавам колко различни са и как бих паснала на всички идея си нямам. Само на теб бих показала каквото е останало от душата ми (след старателно търсене из тъмнината да я намеря), а ти нямаш желание дори да знаеш, че имам такава. Ето затова ще си имам котки. Защото ме учат, че да обичаш много няма кого. 
Оптимистично начало на годината, знам. Не такова исках, но вдъхновението надделя. Най-добре ми е сама със себе си. Поне няма кой да ме разочарова и се давя единствено в собствената си прекрасност, която никой няма да успее да види. Не се задържат достатъчно за подобни неща. А задържат ли се, не заслужават. 
Пък и какво говоря. Никой още не е гледал с очарование към блясъка в очите ми, докато наблюдавам заря. Идея си нямат какво е да ме обичат, докато не са ми видели насълзените от щастие очи. Виждат в мен каквото им харесва и по това определят цялата ми същност. Повече съм от това, което виждаш. Знаеш го. Но от думите ми няма смисъл. Този път ще мълча и няма да обръщам света.