21 март, 2016

all of me

Щастието е телефон, който не звъни, но получава съобщения.
Липса на обяснения, обещания, понякога дори чувства.
Спонтанност и несигурност.
Бели цветя, сини дневници, полу-луния.
Романтични срещи без да са романтични и още по-малко срещи.
Приглушена светлина, притихнал глас.
По-малко думи, повече безмълвия.
Ненатрапчивост с малки дози внимание.

Щастието ми си има име, но дали е щастие или сама лъжа себе си не се знае.
Лъжа, знае се. Щастието никога не е просто благдарност, че ни има.
Обикновено е благодарност, че някой друг го има и съдбата го е събрала не с друг, а именно с нас. Щастието е хубаво само докато го има. Понякога дори е по-добре да не знаеш, че може да го има, защото с него идва страха, че ще си иде или ще го загубиш. А то винаги се губи, никога не трае вечно. Привидно те спасява от удавяне, докато не започне да те дави липсата му.
Щастието не познава притежателни местоимения. Не обича да принадлежи, нито да остава. Научили са го, че най-много липсват онези, които ги няма и не са останали достатъчно дълго, за да им се наситиш. А и от подобно щастие насищане няма. Ставаш зависим, молиш се за поредната си доза и изпадаш в пристъпи на нелепа жалкост при по-дълга липса. Абстиненцията си прави с теб каквото иска, щастието също и започваш да се чудиш имаш ли нужда от подобно щастие или е по-добре без него. Докато не усетиш, че не си отива и не започнеш да го държиш все по-силно, а то все по-бързо се изплъзва от и без това слабите ти пръсти. И си отива както си е дошло. А от теб остава там каквото е останало. Както винаги.
Щастието... Дори не знае, че е щастие и изобщо не се интересува от дефинициите, които съм му отредила, а за мен дори си няма такава.
След всички щастия после ти иде сам да се удавиш в каквото там намериш - кафе, ром, текила. И всички щастия после забравят за съществуването ти и отричат някога да си им бил щастие изобщо. Освен едно единствено, което винаги ще бъде изключение от правилата. Щастията са си самодостатъчни. Обикновено, не им трябваш, за да са щастливи.
Щастието има най-прекрасната усмивка и мирише на дом и спокойствие, а вкуса на устните му напомня на ванилия и вечност. 

19 март, 2016

take me to church

There some irony in nights like this. In her looking at me like she owns it all, not having any idea what happens when she's not around. This sounds way worse than it actually is. I must have looked the same way when I was in her place. I know all his moves down to the last one and I feel tempted to try and wrap him around my finger just to put her in her place but... It's not my place to do so and that's just my dark side wanting to destroy things. 
Fine, let's say you're testing me. Can you like... Let me know? I feel like I'm walking on thin ice all the time, waiting for it to break, almost hoping it does sooner rather than later so at least I know my sentence. I even go back to my defense mechanisms where I try to ruin things before they ruin themselves. I keep putting it off and waiting for March, needing an excuse to not deal with things. Or even wondering if there's something to deal with in the first place. Yeah, that insecure. And that much I don't trust my own instincts, questioning my every more and doubting my every decision. Well, there's a reason why I'm still holding on and also a reason why he hasn't given up on this. And tonight I got another little reason to hope, so I'm not ruining anything just yet. 
Even the fact that I am considering just going out with someone else feels like cheating and I'm not even in a relationship. Either something is really wrong with me or it's just that something is wrong with everyone. 
People are amazing! Some of them have fire inside of them and it lights you up as well. And I am enough. The only reason my story sucks so far is because I choose people who make me feel like I'm not good enough without ever trying to first solve their own issues. So now instead of people I have issues. 
I do belong and not just to myself. I know it doesn't matter because he doesn't want me to and he doesn't even know it (or pretends so), I'm his. And just for tonight I don't care if he's not mine. I swear I had to force myself to let him go last night. It's getting harder to hide and control my feelings but I good my reminder how much it sucks when it all falls apart and chances are it will because that's just my luck. I'd rather have him this way than have it all and lose it yet again. And it's not a nice feeling to stand on the sidelines when you used to be the star. Yet another story of my life. Time to sleep it off and keep pretending I couldn't care less. Hopefully it won't be just pretending some day. 

18 март, 2016

little do you know

Pretending not to feel anything is becoming impossible. I keep waiting for the month to be over, the teaching practice... I'm sure I can find hundred if not thousand more excuses. I'm giving myself another chance on Sunday before I actually drop the bomb and ruin it all. It's obvious that you don't feel the way I do and it makes me want to stay in bed all day and cry about it. In fact I've had a few moments like that but managed bravely to still get up and pretend it doesn't mean as much. It does. And it's hurting me to know that yet again I'm falling all by myself. Well, it is the story of my life which will lead me to living with many cats in the next few years so why should that plan change now.
I do manage to keep myself busy for now. It won't last for long and I'm already forcing the words to not leave my lips every damn time I'm around you. I have too much feelings and can't get control over them. As if I've ever been able. But I'm giving myself a chance to get out in a less painful way and really wishing it works. Otherwise I'll be giving my own damn sentence pretty soon. I want it, all of it. I can see it happen, almost believe it is happening. How can I see it so clearly when you don't even seem to have even noticed my pathetic smile.
I keep wanting to give what little is left of my soul to people and all they want is my body. Then when what's left of my soul disappears thanks to them, they will be asking me if I have a soul. All the irony yet again.
I'm usually all for the label I get pretty often these days. I deserve it. Hell, I've deserved it long time ago. I'm easy and shallow at times. I pretend to be, at least, hoping it becomes true. I hate having feelings and wanting someone so much. I'd rather not feel anything.

11 март, 2016

imperfect

Well, Google decided to slap me in the face after last night's trip down insanity lane. Turns out sleep deprivation and coffee are no longer my friends. I knew that but I thought I was sane enough to be able to handle them. I am not. Which is why I turned this horrible busy Thursday into a day off. Plus I'm getting sick again and my responsibilities cannot be avoided for more than a day.
He keeps doing those tiny little things that now fill my heart with joy and will be killing me when I turn into a full-time idiot and finally tell him how I really feel if he hasn't seen it written all over my face already. The flower, the phone number, the dates that are not real dates, the perfume, the cute little moment of joking around and hugging. It would be nice for someone to finally love me back. And when I say someone, I mean him but he doesn't get to know that... Not yet anyway. 
So yeah, I set up my Google calendar to send me an e-mail and remind me of an old anniversary as if I won't remember. It's funny how my anxiety kicked in right before it. I don't like March. I hope it moves as quickly as it came. And it's been five months of this. I wonder how much more it can go on without a change and will I be the one to change it. The stupid thing is I can see clearly how perfect he is for me and how imperfect I am for him. Which is why I totally get why he's not head over heels into me. But I still want him to be. Now it's time to be a hero yet again and survive the next two weeks without going crazy.