24 април, 2016

feelings

It's raining. I almost walked home in the rain but I have nice friends who insisted to take me home. I have feelings. Don't give me hope. They need to disappear because things never work out for me and I've had enough disappointments to last a lifetime. Don't tell me you wonder if he has feelings as well. He doesn't. It's a fact - the people I love never love me back. Not really anyway. I'm just an in-between girl until they get back to the love of their life or finally meet her. I don't matter. Nothing ever does. 
The drowning was the first sign that I'm going back to the hell I spent a year coming back from. The two days of sleep and not wanting to get out of bed is the second. Wanting to get drunk or even light a cigarette is the third. Well, I'm already there. And my mom made sure of that by ruining the one thing I was looking forward to as usual. 
Yes, I had a dream the other day that inspired me to write another story. I even have a few pages started but I can't see the point to any of this. I'll start writing, then I'll have other things to do because I need education and I have exams and work and then the inspiration will leave because everything and everyone leaves me sooner rather than later. And that will be it. 

16 април, 2016

scent of a woman

I'm pretty sure I'm not the one and not even the only one right now but I still can't help but wanting to kiss you when you're falling asleep in my arms and I can't not feel like I have the world every time you're holding me tight while we're watching a movie or just when we haven't seen each other for a couple of days. I love waking up when you're holding me and trying to make me warm again because I can't keep warmth within my own body for long. I love touching your face when your angry and turning your anger into gentle purring. I love all our little moments which I know hardly mean anything because nothing in my life ever does but considering the fact that this fake relationship is more real than my supposedly real ones, I'm holding on to it. I'm not good for more anyway. Even if I am, I'll never have it and I still feel tempted to mess things up just so I know it's my own fault when everything goes to hell again. Screw positive thinking.
I deserve it all, I'll keep working my ass of and keep being the best possible version of myself as usual. I know I won't be the one but hoping hasn't killed me yet and what else have I got to lose anyway. Just for the record, I can be your everything. Hell, I can be anyone's everything as long as I want to. The bad thing is no one even tries to be that for me which is why positive thinking can't really work for me. I used to think positively and got through hell a couple of times for it. I'd rather believe that I deserve the worst so I'm not surprised when that's all I get. 
Still, Vili's words go over and over in my head and I keep smiling like an idiot. She asked me to imagine it all just for a moment - him and me together... Felt like magic just like it always does when I'm around him. But I just figured I'm the only one for once yet again - the only one who sees and believes in us. And there is no us to even begin with. There has never been and chances are there won't be. Because I'm too easy and too all the wrong things and not enough the right ones. 
Dear parents, thanks for giving me issues to live with when everyone of my friends gets married and all I end up with is my issues and lots of cats. 

07 април, 2016

find it all

So, it's April and I haven't decided anything. I'm going with the flow because it feels right and last week was just amazing even if it will never happen again. We were together like almost every night and we talked, did some cleaning, went out to dinner. He was even on a birthday in the same bar we go to with my friends and he came back to hang out with us. He even hugged me out of nowhere and it felt like something... I don't know. I might be misreading it all but I'm not giving up yet, even if there is no chance. I like having him in my life and I'm not about to lose that. And I know the second I tell him how I actually feel things won't be the same and we won't be as close. Waiting for May, I guess. It's like for two weeks I am completely fine with things the way they are and then I start thinking about it and wanting to get it over with and end things before I get even more attached. But what is going to happen if I do? We won't see each other anymore, we won't talk. It will be like breaking up without even having been anything more really. I don't want that. If things are going to change for the worse, I don't want to be the one changing them. Well, for now, at least.
Damn, it feels so weird to pass by people who used to mean the world to you and not even feel like saying hi to them. He didn't see me, so I pretended I haven't seen him as well and didn't say anything. If someone had told me few years ago that I'd pass him by and not even feel like talking to him, I would have laughed so hard. Ashes to ashes, I guess.
My life is nothing like I thought it would be when I finished high school. It would never have even occurred to me that things will be so different. That I'd be going through different kinds of hell for most of that time and will end up in almost the same position with someone else. Well it's not exactly the same but it kind of feels like it at times. Only it's not a circle of hell (not yet, anyway) because it's nothing serious. Not that I don't want it to be but it ain't really up to me. 
And there's the state exam coming and I'm already making plans for the summer, for next year, for after I'm done with SU. I'm hoping that by now I would have figured out how to accept the fact that I'll be living with fifteen cats and will be the drunk auntie at all my friends' family celebrations and the bitter old cat lady afterwards. 
I honestly am scared to even consider the idea of having someone in my life. I'll be scared all the time that he'll get tired of me and leave or will only be with me out of loneliness of something. When the cynical bitter part of my self shows I know it's time to go to bed and hope things are better tomorrow. Not that they are bad today but I haven't slept much and it's been a long day, so I don't have positive things to talk about. Still, it's April and I owed myself the confession that I'm a coward and the excuse to keep my mouth shut at least for a little while longer. 
Oh, and the weather was on my side. I got a dark cloud to follow me around and match my mood. 
The other day while I was waiting for the bus I saw a man running with his arms spread and I wondered what's making him do that. Then I saw a little girl running to him in the same way. He picked her up and turned around a couple of times while holding her and his wife was smiling and looking at them a few steps away. That's when I realized that it's what I want. Well, not now. Someday maybe. But I ain't that lucky and my special someone will probably go back to an ex or something or won't even give me the chance at all. So cats, dogs and books is all I want. The rest is scary.