26 май, 2016

dead inside

I keep discovering new definitions of hell. Hell is what came after I finally told him. Well... It ended. And I can play it a hundred times over and over in my head and it won't change a thing. Because I'm never the one, hell, I don't even count for much. It's the story of my life, so why should it start to change now. 
I'm functioning relatively normal, mostly pretending for everyone else and hoping to actually feel fine. Otherwise I cry when I finally make it home after a long day because I miss talking to him and having him around and in return for my love confession I get radio silence because it's the scariest thing in the world that someone who has been hurt time and again before has managed to fall for you and you can't even give her a real chance. 
Anyway... I decided to redo my old tattoo because it's as good a time as any and it might bring me back my inspiration and faith in my own damn self. I seriously can't seem a point in anything I'm doing these days and work seems to be the only relief because it keeps me busy and I don't have to remember anything. I don't even have the diary. It must be the realest love letter I've ever given to someone. 
I feel like some part of me is dying yet again and I don't want it to die because I want to love again some day but at the same time I hope I become dead inside so I never have to feel that way ever again. I'm pushing back the old habits and fighting the urge to do stupid things that will only lead to more problems afterwards. I need to get through this by myself somehow.
There is some magic in the fact that the weather has been bipolar, matching the way I feel lately. The next few months will be an interesting period of my life. And by interesting I mean a new circle of hell. I know I've survived worse but I was hoping I'd finally stop comforting myself in such a way. Well, things keep happening and they suck, so... I get points for breathing.

16 май, 2016

only makes me love you more

Hell is the distance I feel between us when you're holding me. Because there is no us to begin with.
Now the whole world is going to start posting pictures of the rainbow. My world already did. It makes me happy that we looked at the rainbow at the same time. Sleep deprivation has something to do with that.
It ended. I finally confessed and it took me one hell of a week to even realize what I'd done and how far I'd gone. Tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning for me. I turn a new page and start over, hoping my feelings disappear. I'll have plenty of work to do and I don't need the distraction. 
It would have been so great for this to work out. I'm sure this is not the end of this story. I have a feeling there is going to be more and not just friendship. I'm grateful to have found such an amazing person who is worth all my words and efforts. I wish I had tried harder but I'm scary when I do so. I did my best, I tried and it's going to take me a long time to get over this but I've got plenty of practice. And this is the brave me that has nothing to do with the me that cried every day for a week and couldn't sleep and eat. I almost went back to the black hole I've been trying to escape for a year and I managed to escape yet again with only some brief reminders.
It ends or it doesn't. I'll focus on my new job and the state exam. That's as far in the future as I'm going to have a plan. I'm not going to act out and start going out with everyone with a pulse because I'm not that type of girl. I'll give myself some time to get over this and hopefully it will sooner rather than later.

10 май, 2016

I'm betting on me this time

I'm quietly drawing a line for myself and will do my best to not cross it. 
Almost two years ago I gave up on holding on to someone who didn't care enough to do so. I made excuses when he didn't even bother to give me any. I made plans, I fought, I tried and held on. I promised I won't do it again and I intend to keep that promise. I'm not holding up space for anyone, especially someone who is not sure if he wants it in the first place. When the answer is always 'no' you stop asking the same question expecting a different one and move on. You find another way. 
Experience has taught me to take care of my own damn self finally and you make me happy but that doesn't mean you get to make plans with me only when no one else is around. Not when I'd drop things off to be with you. 
My mistake - I always teach them that they come first and I always come last, not even second. I choose myself for once because no one else did and because they should have. You should have. Also I'm sleepy and a bit pissed and trying to prove something, so I will stop here.
The world belongs to me and I will make it the way I want it to be. I don't need people to make me happy. I have myself and that, considering how many shit I've been through, is a lot. So make up your damn mind and stop wasting my time. 

07 май, 2016

temporary

най-силно оставям следи
където била съм за малко
задържа ли се за повече
спирам да имам смисъл
и колкото и дълго да стоя
все по-малко се виждам
и липсвам понякога
повече сама на себе си
когато най-сетне тръгна
ако изобщо го сторя
често забравям и стоя
когато вече други няма
дано някога някой успее
и мен да научи на това
да оставам за малко
и после да тръгвам
и да оставям следа