29 юни, 2016

keep away

I haven't been whole to begin with. So I didn't break yet again. Not the same way. I'm breaking every day and turning into the person who doesn't deserve the good things because I want to have a reason why things don't work out and I want it to be my fault. I'm going to proudly deserve my place in hell and be done with it. 
It used to mean the world to me ... Having you, feeling something for someone again. Now it is exactly what motivates me to destroy this part of myself once and for all. And it's exactly the reason why I don't want to start something with someone as awesome as him. I don't want to go through any more of this, even if it might be worth it. I'm not worth it anymore. Or if I am, I'll make sure not to be pretty soon. 
Because just thinking about it all makes me want to cry and scream. I smile instead. Just the effort sort of makes it all go away. But then a song starts or I hear something that reminds me of you and I remember things all over again. I knew very well that the things that used to make my day will be breaking me afterwards. Well, this is it. And I'm sort of glad they do, because masochistically enough, it means I'm still me. But it also means that I no longer want to feel that way ever again. I don't want to make efforts and I don't want to be involved. I'm done with people. 
Not so surprisingly, when you take a step back and no one notices, you realize that your presence never made a difference and your absence never makes any difference as well. At least mine doesn't. So why should I even bother? I'm better off. 
In all honesty, the stupid idiotic hopeful part of me is still holding on to the only few pieces left of my shadow of a soul. And I'd very much like to keep it but in the same time I don't. What good does it do to have one, when no one around cares? I don't want to be the exception anymore. I want to be careless, reckless and not giving a damn about what anyone thinks. 
Well, I tried, I failed. I don't like failing. So I'm done. With all of it. Phones work both ways, I exist not only when you have nothing else to do and well... Have a nice life, or whatever!