30 юли, 2016

supposed to be

I'm not writing you down. On purpose. Because the things I write about go away.
Instead I want to make an account of my saying goodbye in more than one way to some people in my life who no longer deserve my time and effort. Every summer I pack someone's things and move on. It's a tradition and I don't like to disappoint. So, everything is in a box under my bed because I want to keep things but not see them anymore. I don't mind talking to the said people, but I won't be the one reaching out. I've done so time and again and I got mocked and laughed at for it.
Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for not asking. I don't care how your life is going, as long as it keeps on going away from me. I, on the other hand, have found myself, a newer better version that couldn't care less about such people and have come to realize that people can come and go and I will still be fine. Maybe not happy, but fine it pretty good all things considered.
Also, it was a surprise who showed up to save my sorry ass when I didn't even know I needed saving. Well, that is still to be further considered because I do feel like deserving my place in hell but there is this tiny voice of hope still whispering in my head and also the thing that I am purposefully not writing about. It means too much when I have too little and care about too little. So... Fingers crossed and all but I'm keeping it whichever way it goes. Thanks for giving me inspiration to write when I thought that I'm done writing.
I thought this whole deserving my place in hell would be an experience full of self-loathing. It turned out to be healing in a way I never thought possible. I don't care what others think, I don't care if it's wrong on principle. I do what I want and I feel good about it. And at the end of the day I'm all I have, so.
For such an angry looking post, I have to admit that I no longer feel angry or betrayed. I am numb and empty. Which, for me, is like a whole new level of awesome, because I usually always feel too much. Well, I've tied all knots, found some new to deal with. It's life you know. It may suck every now and then but nights like the other are worth it all. And there is nothing like feeling lost and then having a friend show up to remind you how awesome you truly are.
I may hate it all sometimes, curse too much and act like an ungrateful spoiled little bitch, but if you know me, then I don't need to tell you it's all an act. And if you don't, well, think whatever the hell you want. Have a nice life guys. I am thankful to have spent time around and with you. I would be also thankful to never have to see your faces again. Thanks for making me stronger and for proving yet again that I can be wrong about people. I have a lot more to learn but I am a few steps closer to learning. And at the end of the day, it was mostly about me proving things to myself. It's still my story and you were just a chapter, never the whole story.

14 юли, 2016

it sure as hell ain't me

Sleep deprivation and over exhaustion have been sucking the life out of me for... Not sure how long anymore. Time flies and nothing changes. When I said I'd destroy my old self, I didn't think I actually would. Turns out it really isn't all that hard anymore. I miss him... Rather, I miss who I thought he was and I hate how one word and not even from me, changed it all. It's like proof that I never meant anything which seems to be a theme of my life.
I see him all broken, tortured, awesome, thinking he isn't worth it anymore and I have to keep myself from wanting to shake him hard and make him see that he is worth it. But I don't. I sit there, pretending not to smile everytime he says something that breaks my world yet again and makes me want to build castles. I want to try and save you so much but I can't keep saving people in the vain hope that someone might save me too. Because sane people run from the scary and damaged.
I keep waiting for that day in the distant future when I'm going to wake up and be free. I know how this goes. I know it all by heart. I'm never the choice, not even an option mostly but the lack of one. I'm not the one, never will be. I don't need to see it over again to know how it's going to turn out. So yeah, I like talking to you, I like seeing the world through your eyes when you let me, I'd very much like to try and save you. But first I'd really like to save myself and I don't really need a reminder of how much I hardly ever matter yet again.
I'm keeping my distance and praying not to go crazy in the mean time. Enough is enough.