17 октомври, 2016

if you keep messing with my head

Karma has a good sense of humor yet again. Radio silence must be a new trend going around the people in my life, whose presence I desire most. In other words, I miss you and I hate that I always say stuff and make things worse somehow but I'm also kind of glad I did because now I drew my own line and I will have a hard time crossing it which might make things easier. I can't count the times I've been promising to let things go and give up and I never do it for real. I keep talking, keep checking up and keep proving that I matter and I'm always here when in reality, if that was the case, I wouldn't have to prove it, right?
One of the very important lines I always fail to see is the one between not giving up and pointlessly holding on to something that will never be worth it. I mean... I used to feel it... Now I'm kind of glad I screwed things up so I can finally have a reason to move on and get over it. I can't always give chances and try to save everyone. I know how selfish that must sound and I do want to be here at all times as usual. I try to be. But at some point it just doesn't matter anymore. And the more I try, the harder it gets. I'm usually all up for creating my own hell or whatever, but I am actually trying to get better and this is not helping at all because I have almost everything I wanted and that almost makes me want to stay in bed and cry all day instead of enjoying everything else. 
It shouldn't be this hard and I shouldn't be fighting all the time. Hell, I shouldn't be fighting at all. I should be building walls and burning bridges so no one can cross them. You said so yourself. Then why on earth would you ever doubt me when I tell you I won't do anything that might make things worse for you. All I want to do is make it all better. Well... The road to hell must indeed be paved with good intentions. If you're already in hell, does it really matter if you're also going to hell? Didn't think so. 
In reality, I should be over the moon about the new people I got to meet and the realization that I am awesome and the world belongs to me. And I'd give anything to finally feel like it and not need anyone to make me feel complete. Instead, like the idiot I am, I keep waiting for something to happen, realizing that well... I'm an idiot and it was never something that was meant to be. I should start being faithful to my cats and get over all of this already. 
Yet I'm planning what to write in the book I got him for his birthday which the way things are, might turn out to be actually a Christmas gift instead. I hate people who break other people and then those other people are so broken that all the tape and all the glue in the world is not enough to even make them consider getting better and giving you a chance to help them. Let alone make them realize that you are worth being whole for... or at least functioning relatively normal just enough to make it work. 
In the end... Who the hell cares anyway... Whatever happens!

14 октомври, 2016

beautiful with you

October is the month of new beginnings this year and it started a bit off but I hope that changes from this week on. I'm still sick and still staying home for the day so I can get better. In the mean time I have to clean up my yet again messy room and prepare mentally for what will come.
And I blew my own wish. As always. Cuz I'm an idiot and I'm stupid and now I'm going to regret this for the rest of my life.I missed that... All of it as little as it may have been. I want it all and I got everything else. I want the crazy and the drama and everything that comes with it. I want to build sand castles and make houses of candles. I want to give embarrassing speeches where I pour my heart out and I want it all to be worth it.
So ... I got everything I wanted with the one exception that makes me want to throw everything else and not get out of bed sometimes. My job and colleagues are kind of awesome. I am loving it all. The lectures and the new specialty are a bit out of my depth but that won't be for long. I'm starting to understand things and I feel like I belong there. I can't imagine studying anything else or working anything else and enjoying it more than what I already have. This whole week I've been realizing how people who have just met me see how amazing I am and I'm not even trying. I should start believing and getting used to it. I managed to prove that I can do things almost all on my own and I'm so proud and happy for it. On top of all that I met so many awesome people who I'm kind of in love with and I can't wait to spend more time with them. I have no idea how I manage to find the exactly right people to have fun with and to match my insanity but well... I'm me. And that seems to be a very good thing which I had doubts about. It was all fine when someone else told me I was awesome. I think those last couple of days I finally got to feel it and understand it for myself. And I'm sure that euphoria will disappear soon enough so I'd very much like to remember how good it felt to finally find my place and to have things work out.
As for the exception...
Иронично е как всеки ден се разминаваме някъде между Софийски университет и Сердика по два пъти. Както беше с морето и планината, оставането ми в Студентски и местенето ти извън него, записването ми на магистратура, поправянето и разрушението, желанието за още и отказването, напред и назад... Иронично е как за всяка свалена стена вдигаш нови две, а ми казваш, че не искаш да се отказвам. Няма, докато не поискаш. Не знаеш, но съм от онези, които остават след като хората си тръгнат, за да си събирам каквото е останало и да си търся нови хора. Не се уча и не ми стигат кръговете в ада. Доказвам ти без да си ме карал, че не всички си тръгват, докато си вземат каквото искат от теб и се моля ти да не направиш именно това с мен. Не би трябвало да е толкова сложно и да се опитвам толкова много. Спрях и да го правя. Границата между смела и жалка поне съм се научила да разпознавам и стоя на границата. 
Well... I'm still me. I've found what I was looking for and I'm going to fight like hell to keep it and make it even better because that's what I do best and who I am. And giving up was never enough for me. I'm still here and still wanting it all. You included.