31 декември, 2016

2016

January
Обича ми се - смело, безразсъдно, с риск пак да ме разхвърлят из основи и да се чудя пак как се дишаше.
В мен не се влюбват наистина. Преминават, стоплят се и ми казват как съм всичко, което някога са искали. После си отиват.
Смелост за душевни самоубийства нямам.
Целуваш ме, сякаш искаш да те обичам завинаги
По-добре ничия, отколкото с някой, който не знае как да ме обича.
Ето затова ще си имам котки. Защото ме учат, че да обичаш много няма кого.
Този път ще мълча и няма да обръщам света.
Не искам да има какво да губя.
Не дърпам конци, не играя игри и не бягам. Стоя си и оставям на другите да решат колко близо искат да бъдат до мен.
Above all I hope I'm strong enough to face whatever comes next.
I'd very much like to kiss you every damn time someone pisses you off.
The funny thing is I'm hoping he chooses me while still wondering why anyone would. I'm awesome because I survived and I keep doing so, but in the same time I'm fifty shades fucked up and I have no idea how anyone can be around for more than a few hours. Yeah, I know all that. Choose me anyway, you know.

February:
Никога
не оставя
часовника си
на вратата,
нито забравя
да го поглежда,
и си тръгва сам
винаги
когато помисля,
че може би
ще поиска
да остане
или да ме вземе
със себе си.

You're showing me the world and telling me I can't have it.
It feels like we're going somewhere at some point and then it turns out it's all in my head and we're nowhere because there is no we to begin with.
So, yes, I love it when people finally realize how much I meant to them and how supportive, caring and awesome I am but I'd very much like for someone to finally realize it while I'm still around trying and not when I'm so done with them that I don't even have their number anymore.
Yeah, I want it all, I want it now and I'm not the girl that gets it all but on good days it's enough to at least get to pretend I do.

March:
It would be nice for someone to finally love me back.
Even the fact that I am considering just going out with someone else feels like cheating and I'm not even in a relationship. Either something is really wrong with me or it's just that something is wrong with everyone.
The only reason my story sucks so far is because I choose people who make me feel like I'm not good enough without ever trying to first solve their own issues. So now instead of people I have issues.
Time to sleep it off and keep pretending I couldn't care less. Hopefully it won't be just pretending someday.
Щастието е хубаво само докато го има. Понякога дори е по-добре да не знаеш, че може да го има, защото с него идва страха, че ще си иде или ще го загубиш. А то винаги се губи, никога не трае вечно. Привидно те спасява от удавяне, докато не започне да те дави липсата му.
И си отива както си е дошло. А от теб остава там каквото е останало. Както винаги.
Щастията са си самодостатъчни. Обикновено, не им трябваш, за да са щастливи.
Щастието има най-прекрасната усмивка и мирише на дом и спокойствие, а вкуса на устните му напомня на ванилия и вечност.

April:
I honestly am scared to even consider the idea of having someone in my life. I'll be scared all the time that he'll get tired of me and leave or will only be with me out of loneliness or something.
I deserve it all, I'll keep working my ass of and keep being the best possible version of myself as usual. I know I won't be the one but hoping hasn't killed me yet and what else have I got to lose anyway. Just for the record, I can be your everything. Hell, I can be anyone's everything as long as I want to. The bad thing is no one even tries to be that for me which is why positive thinking can't really work for me.
Because I'm too easy and too all the wrong things and not enough the right ones.
It's a fact - the people I love never love me back. Not really anyway. I'm just an in-between girl until they get back to the love of their life or finally meet her. I don't matter. Nothing ever does.
Hell is the distance I feel between us when you're holding me.

May:
дано някога някой успее
и мен да научи на това
да оставам за малко
и после да тръгвам
и да оставям следа

I'm not holding up space for anyone, especially someone who is not sure if he wants it in the first place.
When the answer is always 'no' you stop asking the same question expecting a different one and move on. You find another way.
Now the whole world is going to start posting pictures of the rainbow. My world already did.
I feel like some part of me is dying yet again and I don't want it to die because I want to love again someday but at the same time I hope I become dead inside so I never have to feel that way ever again.

June:
I'm going to proudly deserve my place in hell and be done with it.
Not so surprisingly, when you take a step back and no one notices, you realize that your presence never made a difference and your absence never makes any difference as well. At least mine doesn't. So why should I even bother? I'm better off.

July:
I want to try and save you so much but I can't keep saving people in the vain hope that someone might save me too. Because sane people run from the scary and damaged.
I'm not writing you down. On purpose. Because the things I write about go away.
Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for not asking.
Thanks for giving me inspiration to write when I thought that I'm done writing.
It's still my story and you were just a chapter, never the whole story.
Well, turns out most friendships exist because I keep them going.

August:
I am old enough to know what I want and strong enough to survive if I don't get it.

September:
Продължавам да искам света. Искам всичко и го искам сега. Уча се на търпение. Хубавите неща нали ставали бавно.
I'm finally old enough to realize that I deserve more and I can still do better. I am finding a new better version of my own self and improving it step by step. So I get it. I'm a work in progress too.
And I have me... A little fucked up, a little lost but still breathing and still fighting. Some things are worth it. Some people are worth it even more. And so am I.
I'm always here and that's the problem. But I can't not be. If that's why I lose, then so be it.

October:
I want it all and I got everything else. I want the crazy and the drama and everything that comes with it. I want to build sand castles and make houses of candles. I want to give embarrassing speeches where I pour my heart out and I want it all to be worth it.
Иронично е как всеки ден се разминаваме някъде между Софийски университет и Сердика по два пъти.
And giving up was never enough for me. I'm still here and still wanting it all. You included.
One of the very important lines I always fail to see is the one between not giving up and pointlessly holding on to something that will never be worth it.
If you're already in hell, does it really matter if you're also going to hell? Didn't think so.
I hate people who break other people and then those other people are so broken that all the tape and all the glue in the world is not enough to even make them consider getting better and giving you a chance to help them. Let alone make them realize that you are worth being whole for... or at least functioning relatively normal just enough to make it work.

November:
Yet again I get the reminder that phones work both ways and I shouldn't be trying so hard for people who wouldn't put half the effort.
I'd sleep better if I had him to hold me and kiss my forehead.
People like me are left behind to remember those who leave and write pathetic little poems and love letters for them.
I realize yet again that some people will always be here, like me, so we can save each other when there's no one left.
Имам ключа за вратата и стоя на прага, чудейки се от кой край да я заключа.
I want it all and anything less makes me feel like I'm not good enough. And I am.
The worst thing about distance is you don't know if they miss you or they're forgetting about you, huh.

December:
The more time passes the more I realize that I don't feel like turning the world upside down and proving anything.
It's ironic really that I'm saving everyone and telling them everything is going to be okay and yet I can't seem to save my own damn self.
It has to be okay at some point, right?

caution tape around my heart

Less than three hours left of the year. I'm still sick and still a bit crazy. But I had a great time at work this week and solved some interesting cases. I even wrote what I want to accomplish in 2017 and I might write down by personal goals though they overlap with my professional ones.
In 2017 I want to be better. I want to pick myself back up, learn to be by myself and on my own without depending on anyone in any way. I want to find myself and what's left of my sanity. Also, I will try to remind my friends and family how much I care about them. I will stop holding on to temporary things and people and turn the world upside down for nothing. I want the world and everything in it and I'm going to make sure I deserve it. 
That said, I am grateful to have had such an amazing year. Yes, things were bad sometimes but there was always someone to pick me off the floor when I couldn't do it myself. I loved a little harder, laughed a little louder as the song goes and I added some amazing memories to my collection and tattoos to my skin. I realized how different I am and I'm yet to find out if it's for the best but it has to be. 
I had to find ways to stop myself from saying too much and doing to much when it comes to you. It's the hardest thing I've done yet. My hell of a week in may was the other dark highlight (the irony) of the year. And what came after. Well, I'm still getting over my last outburst of feelings for someone and I intend to keep the rest for myself. I'm no longer finding excuses to send pictures, check on you or even ask you out. This whole friendship thing works both ways, you know. If you wanted me around you wouldn't have been pushing me away so hard. 
Well, may the odds be ever in our favor! My plans for New Year's Eve were so much different. I hoped it would top the 2011 one but maybe next year. The other night I realized that this year I had my best birthday ever. At the beginning of 2016 I had the world and was on fire. Then somewhere along the way that changed. But it's always the case. I find myself, I lose myself just to find myself again. 

25 декември, 2016

just this

That awesome moment when I realize that I don't even know your middle name. And the thought that we might be in the same traffic jam. The end of the year seems to be the time for me to completely lose my sanity.
Yey me! I got myself plenty of presents for Christmas before it even came. My break started as a failure but turned out okay. I'm still sick but got to be around my family and we exchanged gifts and it was lovely.
It's been a hell of a year yet again. I'm almost glad it's over and yet I'm not ready for the new one. And, as it turned out I'm a little done with writing which is why I don't have much to say.
Oh, the other day when I was rereading the posts from this year I remembered when we stayed at my place and I was cold. I got up to find a shirt and you woke up and hugged me, wanting to get me warm again. It was one of the sweetest moments which I realized was missing because all those favorite moments are written in the diary I gave you. It's still the best love letter I ever gave someone. I have no idea where I found the courage to do it.
All things considered... I should have given up earlier but knowing myself well enough, I know it takes a while for the lesson to sink in and make a difference. So maybe next year I will do better by myself.
For the hopefully last time I am done fighting for people, chasing them and proving I deserve a place in their lives. I shouldn't be fighting so hard. I know I promised I'd stay when everyone else is gone but at this point I'm not sure you want me to. Hell, I've been standing here for a while now, wondering where that is exactly and yet you seem to be the one leaving. And I'm not holding you.
But if I must be entirely honest. I'd give it all back if I can have you. It's a lie that it gets easier. It doesn't. I get used to it more or less, reminding myself that people always leave. That doesn't mean that I don't want you to stay and be close like you used to. I'd want nothing more than to spend all the time in the world with you, watch movies, talk about anything and everything. I'd give it all just to have that. If you'd let me, I'd take all the darkness away and show you all it's beauty. I'd send you all my sunsets, all my moons. Hell, you'd be there with me when I take pictures of them. And of you and the smiles you have for when you enjoy stuff, when you're shy, when I catch you off guard and the one which I feel when you lean in to kiss me. I'd give anything to have more of that. That's what I wanted all this time. Just us. 

11 декември, 2016

trying not to

I already had most of my Christmas presents. Can we be done with Christmas already? I mean, I'd give all the stuff back for that one little thing that won't happen and that ruins everything. I miss last year. Everything had some kind of purpose then. Well, we all know how it turned out but still, it meant the world to me, all of it. Now, this? Pathetic on so many levels on my part. Not doing anything turned out to be the hardest thing yet and I'm doing it. I'm slowly letting go of all my ideas about it and realizing how pointless it all is. 
Okay, I know it isn't and it can be worth it and all that. But I mean seriously? Pretending nothing happened and acting like... The more time passes the more I realize that I don't feel like turning the world upside down and proving anything. I'm not waiting for something to happen but for my feelings or whatever to just go back where they came from so I can lock them up and be the numb version of myself that doesn't need or belong to anyone. 
It looks like I'll be all by myself on New Year's and I'm honestly glad. I mean, I've been on my own this year so it seems appropriate to welcome the new year with just me and my fireworks. Oh, and my camera. Ideally, I wanted to go somewhere where I'd be able to catch all the fireworks but I have a car only in theory so that's not an option. My two favorite holidays are coming and I don't feel like celebrating either.
I guess I'm done with writing and it's done with me as well. That applies to teaching too. I finally got the camera I wanted so I will give photography a try. And I've been a rockstar when it comes to my job. I only need to focus more for the Uni stuff and everything will be okay. I can't wait for the year to be over already, yet I don't feel like new beginnings. It's ironic really that I'm saving everyone and telling them everything is going to be okay and yet I can't seem to save my own damn self. Not that I'd admit I need saving. I don't. I'm better off on my own. Feelings just mess me up and then things fail as usual and I'm left to wonder how the hell will I find myself and where to start looking. I get it now. And I'm done, even if I have to remind myself that sometimes. Because Christmas makes you want to be with the people you love and well... It's just going to be me and my camera this year. 
Ironically enough I've been trying to change my hair because that's what I do when things are ending and it just won't turn out the way I want it. Irony! So as a bonus I got my helix pierced and I'm planning on a tattoo for January maybe. Then I'll figure something else out. And soon it will be summer and I'll be moving everything will be okay. It has to be okay at some point, right?