30 април, 2017

red

Remember when we were at your place, I think the last time I'm ever going to be there and you played that Greek song. I took a picture of you. Well, I took lots of pictures over the last couple of months but it's been over ten days... And it feels like a whole new life which I'm not sure I like just yet. I made my roommate find that sticky note you left for her that first time you ever came to my place. I think my room knows too much and it will be hard to leave it all behind if I have to do it soon. I didn't wait till May and I'm not sure if I'm glad or sad about it. Instead I'm out all day, out till it's tomorrow, I don't sleep too much and don't really have time to come home and cry about stuff. Which is why I got today all to myself, decided to delete all the pictures from my phone and cried about it. 
Meanwhile I'm back to old habits which I guess was the only way to get over it in the first place. If you can ever get over something that never was (and never will be, as the song goes). I don't want to belong, I don't want to make plans and decide stuff. I plan to be reckless with myself yet again and enjoy every moment of it. 
As a whole, I'm not sure what to do and I'm wandering trough my life unsure of everything. I wonder if I like my job, if I like where I live, if I should move, change careers, if it all means something or not. I mean, who cares what I do and where I live. These are just details. Well, okay. I care. But who the hell am I? I think that is the most important question and I can't for the life of me find the right answer. I know very well who and what I am not. I know it by heart already and yet the lesson repeats itself. I am not even surprised anymore. 
Well, it's the little things that kill me as usual. They used to make feel whole. Like the songs, the pictures, the quotes... Which I am actively getting rid of. Why be reminded of all the things that prove you were not good enough when you know it all too well by now. Well, fuck it. 

24 април, 2017

when i can't sleep

That other time when we were out with out friend it was almost impossible to look at you without feeling this ache in my chest. I remember not wanting to come at all because I knew it would be too much. Everything is lately. It hurt to look at you and do just that and nothing else. Just like it hurt to hug you when we were saying goodbye. 
You know, it also hurt when I had made all those perfect plans and even came back early so everything could be set up just so you can quit on me yet again. I barely made it home before I actually fell to the floor and cried for the first time in a long time. I cried and I felt so angry at myself for trying so hard and still not being good enough. I said some pretty harsh things then. And I totally blew it afterwards by finally writing down everything because you figured it would be too much to talk in person. Well, it still was. Which is why I cried again like the big baby I am. And I cried and wept for an hour and a half after reading what you had to say. I remember trying to find someone to talk to so I'd stop crying and would focus on something else. And then the days started coming one after the other until Saturday when I came to that lecture even though I could barely keep my eyes open. I stayed, I listened and watched and that same ache numbed me. I kept looking at you wondering if you'd look back and you did, time and again. Then we walked down the stairs as if nothing had happened and well, it didn't after all. 
I miss you, you know. I miss sending you pictures and asking you how your days was. I miss making plans because it's what I do best. If I wasn't so scared to actually start a conversation and of course I didn't know you were out playing I would have told you how awesome today was because I learned the other batch and I would have told you about the crazy idea of being a marketing assistant where you work. And yes, that will completely blow things over and will make me seem desperate. Which makes me hate myself for telling you everything so early when I'll be moving next month and things will finally start to happen. But in the same time I knew I never wanted to feel that misery of failed plans and being so disappointed in someone I care so deeply about. 
I would have told you that I will be moving out and I would have asked your opinion on work, on moving ... On everything really. I think I always make sure I screw up big time so I no longer have any right to make more plans, steps or whatever. Well, I did. And it's not even May yet. I would have told you that I even feel sad about moving so soon and questioning my decision. I'd tell you how it feels like all my life had passed here in this little room that somehow knows me all too well and will hold so much of memories. 
You know, I'd tell you so many things if I could. But at some point nothing I say matters anymore. Nothing I do matters either. My expiration date comes way too soon these days and I feel too sad to even be happy about the things that are happening. 

15 април, 2017

for handing you a heart worth breaking

Guess who is having a great week! Since it doesn't really happen that often and it won't last I decided to make a more permanent memory of this week so that I can come back to it after Sunday. I love my job, I exceed requirements and write guides. I am on top of my game, learning new things and having the world. In the mean time, I had an awesome weekend with my BFF where we talked till 7 in the morning, laughed a lot and well who needs sleep, right. I got awesome friends as a whole, my English classes are amazing and even though I'm pretty tired after work when I go there, they turn out to be fun and I completely forget that I'm tired and need to sleep. On top of that I thought the world will be falling down on me on Tuesday and it didn't. Well, it's not great in that aspect but it will either get better or worse and after having such a great week I'm waiting for the downfall and trying to prepare for it without ruining the happiness I gathered these days. My colleagues at work are also amazing and I love spending our breaks together. I got to see my one and only made of honor and she is also amazing. The whole thing may have failed but I got to be friends with this awesome girl and I can never ever regret that. My sis is also kicking ass at her new job. The other night we were trying to finish the puzzle I gave her for her birthday and listening to pop folk because... Well I wasn't in charge of the music. Then I finally got my diploma. It's been happiness overload for a while now I guess. Oh and today I got to drive my car and finally felt comfortable doing it, even if I never actually get my car to Sofia because of reasons I don't feel like writing about. 
I know this whole euphoric feeling won't last and the end of the week with my epic plans will be the end of it and of lots of other things. I've been preparing for it for a while now. I mean, I've been through a slutty period of my own (exaggerating a lot here) and I know that when it's not the right time there is nothing you can do about it. I'm just sort of sick of all the excuses people find not to make some effort and make things work. I would have. Hell, I have. Not that it turned out so great but trying beats the hell out of not trying any day. You never know when that thing you try might turn out to be the thing you needed all this time. 
Well, my epic plans usually crush and burn so may I not be as pathetic as usually and walk away without trying to fight for something that was never meant to be in the first place. Not now anyway. And with my luck, probably not ever.  

10 април, 2017

only makes me love you more

They say that when your soul is young you need to be reborn plenty of times in order to learn all your lessons. I must be a pretty young soul all things considered. Tonight is the first night I ever felt like lighting a cigarette and feeling helpless. It sucks when someone you care about is not okay and there is nothing you can do to help but to give them space because that is what they want. 
Other than that I'm walking to the grand finale and trying to figure out what to say in order not to end things but to end them nonetheless. As if that is possible. I'm reliving last year and preparing because I've decided yet again that things should end in May. And I need all the time I can get to prepare because you're never ready to end something when you wanted it to last at least a lifetime.
The dark hole I live in is getting bigger in some aspects. I'm hitting rock bottom any time now. All the plans in the world won't make things work out no matter how bad I want them to. And I'm losing a friend which is what I hate most about my idiot of a heart which decides to fall here and there for awesome people who happen to me but who I never happen to. 
It's a good things I have good friends who will yet again be there for me when the world ends. It did a long time ago but I'm having a hard time giving up. Basically this week is going to be a preparation for May and I should have gone to bed by now but I can't. I did have a friends weekend. Talking with my BFF till 7 in the morning was something I missed and something I look forward to. I'd very much like it if we could skip this year and move on to the next one, please. I had enough already and I'm not prepared to lose any more important people. In the same time I'm not okay being in between and being just friends with someone who I want for way more than that. I'm selfish for wanting it all and I'll get what I deserve pretty soon. Like he said today, we learn our lessons and then we're on to the next one. 
Just ended a friendship that I guess was never really one because of feelings on the other side. I can't help but think that it would be the same pretty soon but because the feelings on my side. Why is it that the best thing that can ever happen, meaning knowing that you're still alive inside and able to feel in suck a way, turns out to be the thing that makes you lose friends and break whatever is left of you. I am defined by the things I never have. Not for long anyway. It ends or it doesn't. 

02 април, 2017

or right after coffee

I thought I need to say it louder and more clear. But I'm saying it with every single thing I do. Even the little inside jokes, the wanting to discuss important things with you, making plans and wanting you to be a part of them. I keep saying it and you just don't listen. 
It does get from better to worse for me in that aspect. I'm just as in as you'll ever be out as the song goes. Meaning, I'm so friend-zoned that the universe is literally laughing at me with this whole thing. 
I survived a week of two jobs, lectures and plenty of responsibility. I even got a new job offer on top of that but I don't think I'll be trying for it. I like things the way they are in that area of my life. Next week will be hell but I'll survive somehow. I always do. 
I feel like either turning to my dark side or making a complete idiot of myself yet again. It will be one or the other because this in between thing and staying friends is seriously kicking my behind and making me not want to get out of bed. What was I thinking really? Things don't just happen because you want them to. Today was proof that well... It's time I got over it already. I can say it thousand times and it won't change a thing. I can be as sweet and awesome as always and it still won't matter. It's the story of my life after all. Why should it change all of a sudden?
I had an awesome day despite the panic lingering in the back of my mind. I made great pictures and was out with a friend who is going through the same thanks to me. I guess I deserve my hell.