30 април, 2017

red

Remember when we were at your place, I think the last time I'm ever going to be there and you played that Greek song. I took a picture of you. Well, I took lots of pictures over the last couple of months but it's been over ten days... And it feels like a whole new life which I'm not sure I like just yet. I made my roommate find that sticky note you left for her that first time you ever came to my place. I think my room knows too much and it will be hard to leave it all behind if I have to do it soon. I didn't wait till May and I'm not sure if I'm glad or sad about it. Instead I'm out all day, out till it's tomorrow, I don't sleep too much and don't really have time to come home and cry about stuff. Which is why I got today all to myself, decided to delete all the pictures from my phone and cried about it. 
Meanwhile I'm back to old habits which I guess was the only way to get over it in the first place. If you can ever get over something that never was (and never will be, as the song goes). I don't want to belong, I don't want to make plans and decide stuff. I plan to be reckless with myself yet again and enjoy every moment of it. 
As a whole, I'm not sure what to do and I'm wandering trough my life unsure of everything. I wonder if I like my job, if I like where I live, if I should move, change careers, if it all means something or not. I mean, who cares what I do and where I live. These are just details. Well, okay. I care. But who the hell am I? I think that is the most important question and I can't for the life of me find the right answer. I know very well who and what I am not. I know it by heart already and yet the lesson repeats itself. I am not even surprised anymore. 
Well, it's the little things that kill me as usual. They used to make feel whole. Like the songs, the pictures, the quotes... Which I am actively getting rid of. Why be reminded of all the things that prove you were not good enough when you know it all too well by now. Well, fuck it. 

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